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I always knew in the back of my head how important my friends were. I’ve obviously had ups and downs with many of them. Yet my friends have seen me through all my phases and stuck with me as I’ve evolved into the person I am today. And as friendship is a two-way street, I’ve done the same for them. While I reside in a happy romantic relationship, my friendships are one of the most important things in my life. I gain so much love and knowledge from the people I build friendships with, and what I’ve gathered up to this point, I will always hold close to my heart.
I resonate with the notion that our personalities are made up of the ones from people we’ve met throughout our lives; SZA has been one of my top artists ever since a close friend recommended “Good Days” to me in 2021. Every time before I peel an orange, I roll it the same way as a friend of a friend of mine.
With Valentine’s Day having just passed, there’s been a noticeable societal shift away from spending time with significant others to prioritizing our friendships. The moment I personally realized the importance of investing time and care into my friendships rather than romantic relationships was when one of my best friends got a boyfriend. Gradually, she stopped devoting time to us and our friends, as she spent more and more time with her boyfriend. If we wanted to hang out with her, he would be automatically invited. He was her priority, and she made this explicitly clear to us. Most of us noticed this shift, and in some ways, I started to resent her for it. I felt guilty, though. I wanted my best friend to be happy, but not at the cost of our friendship. I never wanted any of my friends to feel this way about me, so I calculated how I was going to act in my future relationships. I would approach my relationship with open arms, but still have set times dedicated to my friends.
I got into my first serious relationship shortly after experiencing this. I started to understand that some of my friend’s actions were valid: you’ll obviously devote time to the person you are with. But at the end of the day, it’s natural to still invest time in your friendships as well. I always find myself wanting to call my friends or have a laugh with them, which is a different experience than hanging out with my boyfriend.
Incidentally, being in a healthy relationship has amplified my commitment to my friendships. While my boyfriend and I are in a strong relationship, it’s only one extension of our lives, as we are much more than simply our romantic ties. By avoiding devoting my whole life to this one relationship, I’ve been able to still reach out and hang out with my friends.
Growing up in a patriarchal society, there are some things that only my girlfriends will ever understand, making their friendships that much more valuable to me. My friendships give me more than what a romantic relationship can sometimes offer. As I love to spend time with others, I’ve always been one to cultivate my existing friendships and seek new ones. My favorite memories are the ones I’ve shared with my friends, laughing about something ridiculous in the car or their rooms.
Asma Siddiqui mentions in an article for Vogue India how throughout a woman’s lifetime, friendships are neglected when more “important” relationships develop, such as the ones we have with “husbands, children, in-laws, and parents.” Depending on the phase of our lives, the strength of certain friendships can change. My friends talk about how their moms don’t have close friends, and it makes sense to lose these strong connections at an age when you have an entire family to take care of. The world has established that the role for most women is to become mothers and raise their children; that role is more often than not something that is forced upon women. So, when she is placed in that role, she isn’t given the free time to sustain her friendships and make new ones. Yet isn’t there a sting that comes with accepting that idea? How can the girls I’ve grown up with suddenly not be the centre of my life? The ‘inevitability’ of my lifelong friends someday having their own, more ‘important’ relationships to tend to is a terrifying thought.
Nevertheless, this fear has not altered the importance I’ve placed on developing close connections with my peers. At university, the single most important thing to me outside of academics is making lifelong friends. We can learn so much from anyone we cross paths with. While my friends’ mothers have a different experience with friendship in their maternal years, with dating becoming less of a worry to young women, I have greater hope that I will stay close to my best friends in my future. There’s been less of a concern on maintaining a family, and more of a focus on maintaining your friendships with the downfall of dating culture. There’s a newfound importance in keeping our friendships throughout those years that will stick with us even if we all decide to settle down and become mothers.
In high school, I was always looking for a boy to latch on to. It made the time go by quicker, and it was an easy distraction from schoolwork. Over time, the boys changed, but my friends never did. I will always be so grateful for the friends whom I’ve met and the ones to come. To have thoughtful conversations with, laugh with, and confide in a friend is the strongest connection one will have at the end of the day.