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~ Horrorscopes ~

There’s nothing scarier than the gender binary… except these horoscopes!

Happy Halloween! Though the full moon has faded, it’s still time to self-reflect. Our very own skeleton council has convened to read your fortunes, revealed to them through cursèd whispers in the night. Scroll down to uncover their nefarious predictions….if you DARE! 


Put the ouija board down, are you TRYING to get haunted??? Do a solid bunz trade for a tarot reading like the rest of us. You know you’re going to be fine, but sometimes it’s nice to hear it from someone else.


Take some time for yourself, Sag! Cook a delicious meal with a loved one and snuggle up under the (real or virtual!) covers. But whatever you do, don’t turn on the lights after midnight.


Right about now you should be hosting the apple bobbing contest and baking Pillsbury cookies for everyone. We get it. A new tip to channel your inner mom: e-cards! Ever heard of them? We know it’s not 2005, but you’ll have that parental charm as that little bunny saying “hoppy halloween” pops up in your friends’ inboxes. Live your best life.


Are midterms creeping you out? Us too! The best solution? Turn on the scary concept album of the century, Kim Petras’s TURN OFF THE LIGHT, and eat something with entirely too much cinnamon. You’ll thank us later.


You are the Halloweenie. You know it, we know it, everyone knows it. Don’t let your friends convince you to watch Sinister, it’s WAY TOO SCARY! Seriously, just take a brisk fall walk and remember how nice it feels to be alive, here, in the present. Even just for a moment.


Listen, we all know you’re winning the costume contest this year. Leave some drip for the rest of us!! It can be hard to stay focused, and that’s okay – you have a lot going on this season. Own your little victories.


Halloween has got you wanting to live out your Carmilla dreams of being a sapphic vampire, and honestly, we support it. Maybe not the time to be biting any necks (you know, with COVID and all), but you could use that inside time to dye your hair, invest in a new goth wardrobe on Depop, or make some edgy TikToks. We won’t judge you.


The days of pumpkin spice are drawing to a close as we move towards apple cider and extravagant hot chocolates. You know, indulging in some corporate latte excitement won’t strip you of your socialist card. We swear.


Ariana Grande really released an album JUST FOR YOU! Turn off the lights, pour your autumnal drink of choice, and simply vibe. Okay wait maybe turn the lights back on oh my god it’s really dark in here. Okay. Okay. We’re good. Light some candles. Next song.


Maybe you aren’t a superstitious person, but hey – you’re reading the horoscopes. Beware of crossroads, ladders, and mirrors in the dark. But please be nice to black cats! You might feel an extra kinship with them this season; you both deserve some extra love right about now.


The stars tell us that you wish you could be dancing at some sort of wild Bar Le Ritz theme night. While we’re in the red zone, replicate the experience at home by blasting SOPHIE, dancing in your last-minute costume, and writing on the bathroom mirror. Want some extra immersion? Your kitchen table is now the stage. DISCLAIMER: we are not responsible for any ensuing injuries. 


Now’s the time to show off your interpretive dance number expressing your complicated feelings about pumpkin-carving as an institutional practice. Be wary: it’s prime time for an old skeleton to jump out of its closet. No, not like that. You know what we mean.