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Mama Matina’s Monthly Roast

It’s not what you want to hear, it’s what you need to hear

This first Mama Matina’s Roast is dedicated to Heckin’ Horoscopes, the true legends



  1. Aries 

Card: Nine of Wands

Relax bro. Nobody’s gonna take your breadsticks.


     2. Taurus 

Card: Two of Pentacles

Specialty hats are piling up in your closet like the dirty dishes in your sink… seriously…wash your dishes. And why do you have so many hats?


     3. Gemini

Card: Eight of Pentacles

Buy a planner, Lindseé.


     4. Cancer

Card: The Sun

Strolling through Jeanne-Mance Park naked: performance art or a cry for help? (gototherapygototherapygototherapy)


     5. Leo

Card: The Chariot

You’re not an Egyptologist, you just spend too much time on Reddit.


     6. Virgo

Card: Four of Cups

That lead water won’t drink itself!


     7. Libra

Card: Six of Wands

Look at u, ZOOOOMing around in your new desk chair. 


     8. Scorpio 

Card: Three of Swords

You might have a slight ~cardiac arrhythmia~ (?)… nothing serious… ;)


     9. Sagittarius

Card: Queen of Pentacles

You look great today (:


     10. Capricorn

Card: Five of Swords

Hath a man wrong’d thee? Break his heart and steal his medieval weaponry, ladiez.


     11. Aquarius

Card: Four of Wands

Your BJÖRKSNÄS bed frame is missing a screw… she’s a lil’ wobbly…


     12. Pisces 

Card: The Tower

Good luck, you’ll need it!


Mama Matina has her own Instagram account (@mama_matina) if you want more Mama Matina content.

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