This first Mama Matina’s Roast is dedicated to Heckin’ Horoscopes, the true legends
Card: Nine of Wands
Relax bro. Nobody’s gonna take your breadsticks.
Card: Two of Pentacles
Specialty hats are piling up in your closet like the dirty dishes in your sink… seriously…wash your dishes. And why do you have so many hats?
Card: Eight of Pentacles
Buy a planner, Lindseé.
Card: The Sun
Strolling through Jeanne-Mance Park naked: performance art or a cry for help? (gototherapygototherapygototherapy)
Card: The Chariot
You’re not an Egyptologist, you just spend too much time on Reddit.
Card: Four of Cups
That lead water won’t drink itself!
Card: Six of Wands
Look at u, ZOOOOMing around in your new desk chair.
Card: Three of Swords
You might have a slight ~cardiac arrhythmia™~ (?)… nothing serious… ;)
Card: Queen of Pentacles
You look great today (:
Card: Five of Swords
Hath a man wrong’d thee? Break his heart and steal his medieval weaponry, ladiez.
Card: Four of Wands
Your BJÖRKSNÄS bed frame is missing a screw… she’s a lil’ wobbly…
Card: The Tower
Good luck, you’ll need it!
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