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Loco 4 Loko

SAQ Attempts to Quell Striking Workers with Return of Four Loko

Société des alcools du Québec (SAQ) employees have been on strike and off contract since March 2017. Striking employees are demanding compensation for overtime work. While they have asked for better pay, some workers are considering settling with the Quebec government on a proposed compromise: a lifetime’s supply of Four Loko.

The striking workers have been pressuring the Quebec government to intervene in the negotiations between the union and the liquor giant, but Premier Philippe Trois-Couilles declined the union’s request on Monday. Exclusive sources report he was apparently complaining to a colleague later on that “K’yaillent juste se verser un rhum and Coke pendant leur pause du midi I mean calmez-vous caliss” (“they ought to just pour themselves a rum and Coke during their lunch breaks and chill the fuck out”).

While most people are completely appalled at the Premier’s alleged statement, some appear to have taken it perhaps a bit too literally. On Tuesday morning, the SAQ board of directors agreed to the proposed compromise and put Four Loko back on the shelves. The proposal would also take the extra step of providing their employees with preferential prices on the recently-banned alcoholic energy drink. How generous!

One worker from their brand new pilot program has been able to work for fourteen days straight and claims he is loving his job more than ever! Our correspondent at the scene at the des Pins and St-Laurent SAQ report that the employee seemed jolly and energized, chanting “Beach day, everyday!” as he went about his duties. Although these new practices may be unorthodox, the employers are very pleased with the outcome of their first round of negotiations. Their PR team has even qualified it a “great success,” as Four Loko has been flying off the shelves and bringing new hope to the SAQ workers, and to the larger Montreal student community.

Even Premier Trois-Couilles is rejoicing over the new strategy. Sources say he has been spotted purchasing a peach-flavoured Four Loko in an SAQ near his home in Quebec City.