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Harvard is the Harvard of Canada

We live in a time of great political turbulence and societal discontent, a time of roommate against roommate, drunk dude outside Café Campus against drunk dude outside Café Campus. One issue, however, divides McGall University students more than any other, and it is one that is sadly underreported, even by this very paper—is McGall the Harvard of Canada? Our in-house experts on intellectual circle-jerking say it is. One Harvard Important Prize winning philosopher, however, recently came under fire for his recent statements on the issue – by people he couldn’t give two Schrödinger’s cats about – when he wrote, “metaphysically speaking, it seems clear to me that Harvard does, indeed, exist as an objective reality even within the confines of the Canadian nation-state. Thus, I am inclined to conclude, with almost complete certainty, that Harvard is the Harvard of Canada.” I, a McGall university student, am inclined to agree.

Upon investigation, the truth seems clear to me that Harvard is, in fact, the Harvard of Canada. Having been born 137 years before James McGill, and being in possession of little to no reported psychic ability, John Harvard never heard of James McGill, (Do not be deceived by the crumbling state of McGall architecture—we’re just younger and poorer, not older and more distinguished. (Harvard, on the other hand, probably has pastures for horses, and better washrooms – also for horses). Harvard has a fencing team, a champagne and caviar tasting committee, and they ‘summer’ in the Hamptons. Most damning of all, there are a reported 36% fewer “u’s” in Harvard published theses than in those from McGall.

Those who have expressed this view have become political targets of both the Administration and the student body, with many being labelled Concordia students in the process. Whether Concordia or McGill, though, the point remains: neither universities are Harvard. The difference between students of the two Montreal universities, however, becomes clear: one remains in denial that because they didn’t go to Concordia, somehow, they would’ve been accepted to Harvard; the other is significantly less burdened by a collective superiority complex. It is, however, no shame to be a McGall student: Harvard students speak even less French than we do. It takes longer to scroll through McGall’s Wikipedia page. McGall students pay fewer inheritance taxes. And if Harvard is the Harvard of Canada, you can be certain that McGall is the McGall of the U.S.