Compendium  Wanted ads

WANTED: fucks to give.

WANTED: Someone to change my lightbulb. I am too short to reach and have run out of candles.

WANTED: Someone to kill the spider in my bathroom. It is very large and I am very afraid and I need to pee very badly. It’s been 2 days.

WANTED: Somebody to e-mail my profs for me. I am very concerned with making a good impression, even though they will inevitably just reply ‘ok’.

WANTED: a goddamn refund on this goddamn clicker I was waiting to sell back.


WANTED: A good book that will make me look cultured when I read it on the subway.

WANTED: An expert on the feeding and care of interdimensional demons. The portal has closed and now it is stuck here.

WANTED: A fellow time traveller to commiserate with. Nobody warned me 2016 would be such a shitshow.

WANTED: Somebody to pet my hair and tell me I am smart and beautiful.

WANTED: An expert on the maintenance of interdimensional portals. Mine has closed and now I am stuck here.

WANTED: A devil’s advocate to debate with ‘for the sake of the argument’. People with convictions need not apply.

WANTED: Someone to summarize Game of Thrones for me. I don’t want to watch it, I just want to sound like I know what I’m talking about.

WANTED: A new body. Mine is falling apart.

WANTED: A tutorial on how to use this rice cooker. There are too many buttons and I am out of my depth.

WANTED: Half an almond croissant. I don’t need the whole thing but I don’t want to throw the other half away!

WANTED: Cheap storage for my emotional baggage.

WANTED: A mother. Mine is perfectly fine and I love her a lot but she is very far away and I need someone to fold my clothes and buy me vitamins and ask me how to use the facebook.

WANTED: A DJ. Must be willing to play songs people have actually heard of, for more than fifteen seconds at a time.

WANTED: A hero. He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. I will be holding out ‘til the morning light.

WANTED: A quiet place where I can scream very loudly and not frighten anyone.

WANTED: Some fucking peace and quiet.

WANTED: Somebody to explain light to me. It’s a particle?? But it’s also a wave???? What the heck is up with that

WANTED: A meme interpreter. I am trying to relate to my fellow youth.

WANTED: The Obama to my Biden.

WANTED: A bassoon player for my Nickelback cover band. Only serious musicians need apply!

WANTED: Freedom from this mortal coil.