Compendium | Republicans deny the existence of women

Leaders baffled with idea of women as people

In a shocking turnaround after last Sunday’s American presidential debate, the Republican Party has announced that it intends to continue denying that women are people, too.

“It’s not that we don’t believe women exist,” said Kellyanne Conway, Drumpf campaign manager and human woman, in an interview with the McGall Weekly. “Nobody is suggesting that women don’t exist. What we’re saying, simply, is that women don’t exist, per se, as people — which is obviously very different.”

The announcement followed a policy statement made last Friday by Donald Drumpf, a clump of moldy Cheetos and Republican nominee. The statement, released in the unconventional format of “leaked audiotape”— presumably to appeal to millennial voters— included Drumpf confirming that being famous allows him to assault women without consequences. The statement solidified what has long been understood as the GOP’s policy on women — namely, that they exist to serve and entertain men.

“So as you can see, we clearly do acknowledge the existence of women,” said Conway. “Just not as autonomous individuals.”

In a show of support for his party’s policy on women, Rudy Giuliani, a withered husk of a New York mayor and current Drumpf advisor, said: “Of course, these comments are disgusting and vile and I don’t agree with them. But you know, it’s just locker room talk — we all do it. I’ve done it. The difference is that I’ve never said it on record, or in a locker room — why limit it to just there, right? — but really we all say this kind of thing all the time.”

Drumpf’s policy was featured heavily in the debate. In the opening minutes, moderator Anderson Cooper asked Drumpf if he was aware that kissing and groping women without their consent qualifies as sexual assault. “I respect women,” Drumpf said, winking at his daughter Ivanka, “I’m a huge supporter of women. I love women. Nobody loves women as much as me.” He did not, however, respond to questions or demands made by moderator Martha Raddatz, opting instead to spew racist, alarmist vitriol until addressed by Cooper. When criticized later for his dismissive behaviour toward Raddatz, Drumpf replied: “Who?”

“As you can see, he is sticking to his policy,” said Conway, addressing the criticism. “Donald Drumpf is an honest, reliable man. He honestly thinks of women as objects, and unlike other wishy-washy Republican leaders, he isn’t afraid to stick to that. Perseverance, honesty, reliability — these are important presidential traits.”

Drumpf’s objectification of women was felt throughout the debate, when, referencing a row of women sitting in the front, he complimented Anderson Cooper on the décor. Responding to a question made by a woman in the audience, Drumpf said: “That’s a beautiful question. Terrific question. Very sexy. I just want to grab it by the pussy.”