White tears increase on campus

McGall sees a 40 per cent increase

According to a recent study conducted by StatsMcGall on the undergraduate student body, white tears on McGall campus have significantly increased since last year. According to the organisation, there has been an estimated 40 per cent increase: “and this is just for the month of September,” read the report. The results were announced at the recent McGall Block Party, which was held on lower field and hosted by none other than Principal and Vice Baroness Suzie Forte herself.

“We are befuddled by this rise in white tears,” said StatsMcGall head coordinator Bevan Jerry, himself a student and activist on campus, and a self-identified witness to many white tears. “We thought they had reached their apex last year after students voted overwhelmingly to adopt a motion at the SHMU Winter General Assembly to set up an ‘an actual safe space for BIPOC [Black, Indigenous, and people of colour] students on campus.’” The motion failed online ratification shortly after. According to the study, cis white male tears account for around 95 per cent of the overall increase of white tears on campus.

Baroness Forte started chanting “All Lives Matter!” shortly after the announcement of the updated campus white tears index. Her chant was greeted with scattered applause and scowls from students of colour who were caught off guard by yet another microaggression, as they simply wanted to “get to class without having to be constantly reminded that McGall doesn’t give a shit about us,” according to bystander and campus activist Chantal Jules.

In an interview with The Weekly, Jules highlighted that the most recent instance of the resurgence of white tears on campus is the petition “We’re Relevant Too,” on the popular website www.change?.net. The petition calls on SHMU to ratify the We Love Legal Procedure Board’s decision that setting up a safe space in SHMU “just for BIPOC” is unconstitutional. The petition, the launch of which coincided with International Day of Peace, stated “white students on campus are uncomfortable with recent divisive politics,” and that they “don’t see race or colour” – echoing Marc Jacobs’ historic announcement following criticism of the white models with dreadlocks used in his show earlier this week.

“Being back home in the Middle East this summer really made me forget about white people,” said student activist Rami Shmalek. “I got so used to not being told by white people that I’m being ‘too emotional’ or ‘reverse racist’ when I was pointing out human rights abuses to them […] When I landed at King Trudeau International Airport earlier this month and saw all these white people, I said to myself, ‘Shit, I’m going to have to do some readjusting.’ This morning’s announcement was a stark reminder of that too.”

Bevan Jerry, also a self-identified BIPOC ally, said that the StatsMcGall results should not distract the administration from listening to its BIPOC students as well. “Yes, there is a significant increase of white tears and we should address that, but the McGall administration can’t only concern itself with these tears. What about others?”

When approached for comment after the semi-successful Block Party, Baroness Forte seemed confused. “I had no idea students were this upset,” she declared. When asked whom she meant by “students,” she replied, “well… the white ones, that’s where all the tears are coming from, right? We should probably do some damage control.” However, it remains to be seen whether this damage control involves throwing BIPOC students under the bus, again.