Students celebrating their revolutionary victory.

Compendium  SHMU General Assembly takes revolutionary action

Students overwhelmingly in favour of anarcho-syndicalist restructuring

The November 9 General Assembly of the Student Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) ended in a most revolutionary manner, with the organization declaring its sovereignty and restructuring itself as the Students’ Union of Soviet Socialist Faculties (SUSSF).

In the new structure, former faculty and departmental associations have been reorganized as soviets, also known as councils in non-revolutionary parlance. The Departmental Soviets report to the Faculty Soviets, and in turn the Faculty Soviets are represented in the All-Student Congress of Soviets.

Speaking to The Weekly, Abraham Kream, the newly appointed Chairperson of the Council of Students’ Commissars of the Students’ Union and former King of SHMU, Lord of the Twelve Faculties, Protector of Social Justice, Lord Paramount of Arts, Eternal Sovereign of la Nouvelle Résidence, the Advisor on Matters of Social Responsibility, Interim Carer of the SHMU Babies, Conqueror of Climate Change, Great Restructurer, and General Assembler, could not hide his tears of joy, which gleamed under the moonlight as they slid down his revolutionary cheeks into the triangular goatee that he had grown overnight.

“The vast majority of the student soviets are represented at the Congress. A number of delegates from the Soviet of Graduate Students (SOGS) are also present. The mandate of the compromising SHMU has terminated. Backed by the will of the vast majority of the students, backed by the victorious uprising of the students and the garrison which has taken place in Shtaneer, the Congress takes power into its own hands,” Kream declared to a massive crowd, all dressed in red and turquoise – the colours of the SUSSF.

The SUSSF’s declaration of independence comes as no surprise. As anyone who has been following the activities of SHMU’s Small Council for the past few weeks will know, Kream and Emilia Trotsnik (former SHMU VP Isolation and Obliviousness, newly appointed Students’ Commissar of Military and Naval Affairs of the Students’ Union) have been spearheading a revolutionary movement to push former SHMU into anarcho-communo-syndicalism.

In an interview with The Weekly, Trotsnik explained the revolution. “Just as a blacksmith cannot seize the red hot iron in their naked hand, so the students cannot directly seize the power. It was for this reason that we have been working to increase the power of SHMU – to become the vanguard of this revolution,” Trotsnik said. “The climate change policy, the anti-austerity mobilization, our involvement with the provincial student federations, supporting the demilitarization of the campus… Anyone who has ever heard about Marx would have been able to tell you that a socialist revolution was nigh.”

Not everyone has been happy with the SUSSF’s declaration of independence. Deputy Provost Student Gripes and Weed Sir Trololollivier Sandwichheart has attempted to enter Shtaneer, only to be reminded that he does not have the proper documentation to enter the building.

“They told me that it was a ‘sovereign state,’ and that I ‘had no right’ to be in this building,’” Sandwichheart said, using one too many scare quotes in his sentence.

Also notably, the Hotel-Motel Faculty of Predatory Capitalism has chosen to stay out of the revolution, effectively placing itself on the wrong side of history. Currently facing a leadership crisis, the Predatory Capitalism Undergraduate Board has turned to campus celebrity Lexus Centrikov for guidance.

Speaking to a group of students all suited up, Centrikov said, “I fucking told you so.”
“Ever since last year, I’ve been telling you. SHMU is too political. SHMU is socialist. SHMU is anarchist. SHMU is anarcho-syndic–” Centrikov said before being cut-off by a francophone student who would only identify themselves as Pierre-Joseph.

“Well technically, the current system that they’ve enacted is far from being anarchical. First of all, they restructured themselves as a state, with a considerable amount of bureaucracy and hierarchy. That is hardly anarchical,” Pierre-Joseph explained in French.

“Regardless of the fact that they may or may not be anarchical, this new state is a danger to my wellbeing and yours. What do you think will happen when the students reclaim the means of education?” asked Centrikov.

Representatives from Parti Québécois (PQ) approached the SUSSF on November 12, congratulating the newly formed state on its initiative to declare its independence. In spite of their congratulatory demeanour, however, the representatives looked rather disappointed, as if something had stolen their thunder.

Refusing that her statement be translated from French, PQ representative Pauly Morois said, “Nous félicitons l’Union étudiante des facultés socialistes soviétiques. Nous l’envions, même. Il semble que toutes et tous sont en train de déclarer leur indépendance, sauf tu-sais-qui. Eh bien, en tout cas, belle job les gars.”

In the upcoming days, the SUSSF will be hosting important foreign dignitaries with irrelevant political titles such as the Queen of Canada, the King of Spain, the Prince of Monaco, and the Pope.