Compendium  True D’oh rips blunt at victory speech

Giant smoke sesh marks inspiring beginnings for the marijuana majority

Justy True D’oh raised more than a few eyebrows during his victory speech last Monday. The 43-year-old prime minister-designate addressed crowds of supporters, eyes glassy and coloured the hallmark Liberal red, following a commanding victory for his party.

But nobody in the room could’ve predicted what happened next.

True D’oh has been known to work a crowd, but when he took the stage, that reputation was elevated tenfold. Producing a gigantic blunt from one inside pocket of his crisply pressed blazer and a lighter from the other, True D’oh took a huge hit of the chronic, sending his supporters into a frenzy of whooping cheers. In a gesture that bridged the linguistic gap between his supporters, he raised his arms high, middle fingers higher.

The speech that followed was revelatory to all in attendance. Between bouts of coughing and fits of giggles, True D’oh admitted that his entire campaign was actually an elaborate ruse to push one issue: the legalization of marijuana. It turns out that the man whom his opponents called “just not ready” really just wanted to blaze. He went on to describe the emotional pain he endured in his youth, forced to hide his love of the green stuff growing up in the public eye. At one point, he trailed off, staring blankly into the distance before one of his aids shook him back into consciousness.

The extent of his party’s victory seemed only to embolden True D’oh, who then challenged Stefon Arpeur to a boxing match and stripped down to his underpants to show off a fresh new tattoo of a pot leaf on the small of his back. After impressing the attendees with an assortment of smoke tricks, he ended by comically falling down a flight of stairs to the roaring laughter and thunderous applause of a room now thick with smoke. He then mingled with supporters, juggling babies and doing other classic Justy things.

Opposition candidates were understandably less enthusiastic. While True D’oh was smoking, Arpeur was seen drinking heavily and belting out a truly bloodcurdling rendition of Bette Midler’s “The Rose” with his band. Tom Mullé Claire appeared for the most part to take the results in stride. However, numerous reports indicate that he was later seen hurrying out of an animal shelter with a litter of kittens in his arms.

Critics have torn into True D’oh, calling the whole ordeal “a disgrace” and “absolutely unacceptable.” True D’oh responded with a heavy hand, grabbing his crotch and shouting “my majority begs to differ.”

To his credit, True D’oh has stuck to his guns, repeating that marijuana taxation will be an important revenue stream for the government. Less admirably, he stated that despite his new focus he still plans to run a deficit in the billions “to pay for Funyuns and more weed.”