Dear Anarchist Aunt Abby,
I’ve recently been demoted at my job, and am having trouble coming to terms with my loss. I feel like everything I’ve dedicated my life to is on the brink of falling apart. All I ever wanted was to turn Canada into a barren war machine run by robots and flying monkeys, but now that I’ve been removed as Heir to the Chamber of Secrets, women will have control over what they wear, the environment will soon be on its way to recovery, and children may even start to remember how to laugh.
I’m just a hardworking guy, with feelings like anyone else. Sometimes, when I get really sad, I try to sing away my blues – but there’s only so many Neil Diamond songs in the world. Maybe I was wrong all along, and authoritarianism isn’t the true and glorious path for our nation. I mean, if the system is so flawed that a guy who looks like a wet puppy in need of a good kick can get elected, then maybe that system should be torn apart.
Dear Abby, is it time to give up my beliefs and join the anarchist movement?
—Soul-Searching Stevie
Dear Soul-Searching Stevie,
Wow, sounds like you’re having a hard time! Make sure to take care of yourself and mourn your loss. Dictators need love too. Maybe now would be a good time to explore your sensitive and creative sides – you could take up a soothing hobby, like knitting sweaters out of True D’oh’s shedding hair (the stress of the job will surely wreak havoc on his hairline), or pickling the broken dreams of Gil Dudeceppe.
Alternatively, you could use your new spare time to catch up with your old friends – Argus Filch, Miley Cyrus’s dreadlocks, and that bald guy who hosts Deal or No Deal. Either way, it sounds like you really need to take a long look at yourself – who is the real Stevie? What keeps him warm at night?
I think, if you probe deep enough, you’ll find you still believe in your core values – protecting the patriarchy, disenfranchizing the marginalized, and supporting cultural treasures like Nickelback. I’m not sure you’d really fit in with us anarchists; you would be the Chevy Chase to our Community (a white man asshole who’s just holding us back). But I’m sure there’s a place for you somewhere! In fact, I heard SHMU is looking for a new VP Internal – I bet you could give that Centrikov kid a run for his money!
You should also probably go fetch Chris Alexander from the pile of manure he’s hiding under. Get him a shower and a warm cup of tea (make sure none of your co-workers have peed in the mug!) and then the two of you can settle down to some Netflix and discuss the future of the Conservative Parrots of Canada. I know there’s a lot of hate going around right now, but try not to be too blue. After all, if you didn’t exist, who would Canadians unite against? You’re bringing this country together, one strategic voter at a time.
So Stevie, take some Imodium, sing a lullaby for your fallen regime, and go to sleep knowing that in four years, Canadians will probably be ready once again for real change and vote your party back in.
And, whatever you do, don’t stop believin’!