Compendium  SHMU Daycare given the reins of Frosh

Incoming students found to be literal babies

Following years of rowdy drunk froshies causing scandal and trouble in the Milton-Parc community, Frosh coordinators decided to tackle the problem head-on by giving the reins of Frosh supervision to the Student Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) Daycare Centre.

“Our field experiments have shown that froshies have very similar needs and exhibit nearly identical behaviour to the four-year-old children we work with every day,” said experienced SHMU Daycare Centre caregiver Daisy Dove.

“Like small children, froshies need regular naps. They need to be held when they walk down stairs. They can’t keep their hands to themselves, and have trouble performing simple tasks like eating three times a day or peeing in appropriate locations. And just like children sometimes eat dirt or chalk because they don’t know any better, froshies sometimes ingest dangerous substances that threaten their well-being.”

The implications of the research were obvious: Frosh coordinators simply had to implement practices used in early childhood education.

“It’s very important to talk to your froshies and small children in a soft tone of voice and never yell at them. But you must be firm when they break the rules and nip bad behaviour in the bud,” said child development psychologist Dr. Rachel Johnson-Richardson.

“Despite the twenty-year age gap, we found these practices to be widely effective.”

Heeding the expert advice, Frosh coordinators enacted some basic disciplinary rules. For example, straying from the collective leash would lead to the confiscation of one drink ticket. A second demerit would lead to their bracelet being cut.

“In addition to these disciplinary procedures, we also took precautionary measures to ensure a safe environment,” said Dove. “We hired contractors to build seven-foot baby fences around Lower Field, and put up ‘froshie crossing’ signs on Sherbrooke.”

The new program was a resounding success, eliciting supportive reactions from froshies. “I actually have no concept of self-care and responsibility,” said U0 Farts student Lil’ Jimmy. “Thankfully, the entire student society is now like a mother to me – it’s like I never left my parents’ home.”

The change also resulted in a drastic reduction in the number of 911 calls, and very positive feedback from the Milton-Parc community. McGall Emergency Response Team for Students (M-GERTS) volunteers, however, felt a little neglected, and were spotted twiddling their thumbs in their tent on Lower Field.