Do you have trouble finding the perfect shade of red lipstick? Look no further! This tutorial will teach you how to create the most stunning red lip — by the end of this, you’ll look like Vampira’s hot twin.
Disclaimer: This tutorial is not for vegans or the faint of heart.
- 4 goat horns
- 1 cup crow’s fat
- 1 metric handful of pitted cherries
- 1 incapacitated meninist
- 1 bad neighbour
Step one: For a perfectly moisturizing lip balm, grind up the horn of goats with crow’s fat and stir the solution in a small, heated cauldron. Rub this new DIY balm on your lips so that they’re primed to retain your lip colour long after you fall into eternal slumber.
Step two: Take the pitted cherries and mash the fruity flesh in a bowl. Dip a thin brush into the mix and outline your lips. The cherries will give your lips great colour pay-off while adding a bit of sweetness to the metallic taste of our secret ingredient.
Step three: Bite into the flesh of a meninist – I guarantee that their blood will be the perfect red hue for your lips. No need to spend time trying to figure out your exact skin tone just to find the perfect lip colour. One bite fits all! Misogynistic blood suits every complexion, so don’t be afraid to wipe any excess fluid on your cheeks to create a rosy, lively look. You’ll send a message to your enemies that you will outlive them all.
Step four: Take a tissue that has been used to mop up tears of white guilt and gently press your lips against it to get rid of any excess lipstick. Leave the used tissue on the doorstep of a Confederate Flag-toting neighbour or an outspoken white friend who refuses to acknowledge the merits of affirmative action. You will strike fear into their hearts and send the message that your witchy aesthetic is not just for show.
Step five: Apply a clear gloss over your lipstick to seal in the commitment of dismantling the gender binary and white supremacy. Let your lips shine gloriously in the moonlight when you venture outside for your nightly hunt; the reflection of this glare will protect you from inferior, bigoted beings who mistake your human form for vulnerability and weakness.
Bonus tip: If you’re at a party and overhear people talking about why racism is over, send them a not-so-gentle reminder that they know nothing by going into the bathroom and writing the words “LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT” on the bathroom mirror with your new lipstick. Let them feel the weight of their privileged ideologies while they pee out all the cans of PBR they drank that contributed to their insufferable white liberal mistakes.
By following this tutorial, you will have the reddest lips to rule them all. Taylor Swift’s lips will look paler than Rachel Dolezal’s real skin tone in comparison. Let your reign of terror begin, and may it last forever.