McGall students and staff opened their new and improved email inboxes this week to discover a stirring message from Principal Suzie Fruité.
“Friends,” she began with gleeful desperation, “dark times are upon us. Our finances are in shambles, our buildings are on the verge of collapse, and our reputation is crumbling. But worry not – McGall’s proud history of smashing Guinness World Records with the production of exorbitantly large quantities of food will save us once again.”
“The glorious days of Fruit Salad ‘12 and Brownie ‘14 have set our community on a bright path that I am ever so pleased to continue: the record for the largest smoothie ever made,” wrote Fruité.
Indeed, a new day dawned on September 1 as McGall did in fact break the record for the largest smoothie ever made.
“It is beautiful,” gushed McGall Supreme Head Chef Olive de Veloute, beaming as he gazed wistfully from the top of Lower Field at the 3,100-litre behemoth beverage below.
“I didn’t think it would have to come to this, though,” he added under his breath. “But I’ll do anything to keep Suzie happy.”
Asked whether McGall’s attention could be better directed to lowering food prices on campus, de Veloute was positively seized with indignation. “Look, are we here to break records or are we here to eat?” he snapped. “Besides, I think our prices are very fair,” de Veloute assured The Weekly, as an emaciated and almost certainly starving student despondently glanced back and forth between the spare change in her hand and the $27 sandwich on sale at the Sadpath Cafeteria.
“I didn’t think it would have to come to this.”
The event was a real coming-together of the university community, with over 100 volunteers on hand to commemorate McGall’s monumental mélange. The Weekly asked one volunteer to comment on the relationship between such a highly public self-indulgent demonstration of excess and pressing food security issues in Canada.
“Yeah, I totally agree that food security is, like, super important,” ventured Madgy K. Bulett, an earnest McGallian acting on his pledge this semester to “get more involved with good causes.” “I’m mostly here to guard the slip-and-slide section – see, we put this rope here so that people are sliding safely as they re-enact flood girl and stuff – but at the same time, I make sure that people who aren’t from McGall don’t steal our food, so in that sense securing your food is crucial,” Bulett nodded assuredly.
An unwelcome interruption to the feast occurred when it was discovered that the bottom part of the smoothie bucket – about 1,000 litres worth – had spoiled, becoming unsuitable for consumption. Luckily, de Veloute saved the day by repurposing the unfortunate mixture as a medium for a celebratory bath, and thousands of attendees plunged into the smoothie bucket to engage in a rejuvenating communal soak. Young and old alike had the time of their lives as they marinated in the vat for over three hours.
As the event came to a close, a jubilant Fruité announced that the leftover smoothie goo would be graciously donated to a shelter. Amazed by their own collective magnanimity, McGall community members attending the event broke out in song, offering an impromptu and admittedly disjointed rendition of a “reduce, re-use, recycle” chant as they vacated the premises, their bellies brimming with fruit juices.