Compendium | Weekly editors on strike!

Mice ‘scabs’ take over production

Last week, the editorial board of The McGall Weekly voted to go on a strike, to protest the really horrible working conditions in the office.

“Oh my god the smell,” said one Last-Week’s-News editor, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s the smell of pad thai, pizza boxes, bleach-like coffee, and our collective hopes and dreams,” they explained.

Jane “Airblade” Dyson, another Last-Week’s-News editor, said that she really missed the sunlight.

The working conditions at The Weekly’s office are said to be “less than ideal.” The editors are asked to work under extreme fluorescent light, and constantly fed coffee to keep them awake for more than 23 hours a day. They are forced to look into computer screens and spew out words until no more words can come.

“There’s just so much negativity in the air,” said Jen Cemertek, Totally-One-Hundred-Per-Cent-Objective Opinions editor at The Weekly. “It makes me sad. I’ll go on strike.”

Gore Semantikov, Last-Week’s-News editor, echoed Cemertek’s sentiments. “There’s just so much negativity in the air-air-air. It makes me sad-sad-sad. I’ll go on strike-strike-strike.”

“We work in terrible, terrible conditions. Like, for instance, all the computers in the office are four years old! We cannot play music on YouTube and use our designing software at the same time,” said Kitty ‘Hellfire’ Brandhel, resident demonologist turned Aesthetics editor.

In an editorial published earlier, The Weekly’s editors declared that the strike would be in effect until the working conditions became “slightly more” than “less than ideal.” This would include allowing the editors to leave the office every now and then so that they could at least take a shower.

The editors also declared that the office would be picketed, and no one would be allowed in. Speaking to The Weekly in an interview, John Galt, U3 Liberty Objectivism and Libertarianism Studies (LOLS) student, expressed their disapprovavl of this development.

“I am extremely disappointed. How dare the editors go on strike, thinking they are so high and mighty! People should be striking against other things. Like there is a growing anti-austerity movement happening somewhere in Quebec. Those socialist bastards! We should go on a strike against that. Maybe we could all go away into the mountains, and go back to using nuggets of gold as currency,” Galt said before droning on for another 150 pages of rambling about the benefits of capitalism and individualism.

“Who is John Galt?” asked one anonymous passerby, who wished to be referred to as Dagny. “This is very problematic.”

However on Monday, another issue of The Weekly managed to hit the stands. When asked how this could happen, The Weekly’s prime news reporter Dan A. Ray said that it was the mice.

“We all knew that the mice were observing us. We heard about their plans of burning the building down. But all along, they just wanted to produce the paper,” Ray explained.

“And boy is the quality of their paper better than ours,” they blurted out, off the record.

Speaking on behalf of the mice, Squeak Squakle said nothing, because mice cannot speak.

“We are proud, and our strike shall go on,” said Jill Spellbinder, Last-Week’s-News editor at The Weekly. “Those mice think that they can outsmart us, but we’re like cats. And cats eat mice.”

“I am not that concerned with the mice, actually,” expressed Marx Catapult, Cybernetics editor at The Weekly. “And we should not be violent [toward] mice. Some of my best friends are mice.”

The rest of the student body wasn’t around to comment.