Compendium | McGall hires Countess of Downton Abbey

New Provost of homogeneity to address equity concerns

On March 20, the administration at McGall University finally took action to address complaints about a lack of diversity in its academic staff by hiring Countess Can’t-erbury of Downtown Abbey as the new Associate Provost (Homogeneity, Policy and Procedures). Upon her arrival at McGall, the Countess said she was “deeply disturbed” by a recent equity report which shows that the number of white male professors at the university has remained the same over the past 150 years, and in some cases, has even regressed.

The Countess, chosen for her expertise on white privilege and cat-herding, is spearheading a task force that is currently investigating measures that can be taken to address the dire situation. She is even consulting experts within the field of white privilege, including world renowned expert Dolores Umbridge, the previous headmaster of McGall University. Umbridge, who is the current leader of the McGall Men’s Rights Movement, recently won the case for establishing men-only hours at the university gym.

Despite limited funding, the Countess has already taken proactive measures by increasing expenditures by 69.45 per cent. The majority of funds have been spent on acquiring shredders, which the Countess believes is an essential tool to combatting the issue of employment equity at McGall, for reasons as yet unknown to The Weekly.

When asked by The Weekly about the recent scandal revolving around hundreds of missing tenured applications submitted by professors of colour since 1995, the Countess explained that “an IT backlog since that time was still preventing further investigations.” Yet she also explained “that this is not a huge problem, as many of those applicants probably did not possess the proper qualifications in terms of entitlement.”

Numerous senior administrators have already expressed great delight at the Countess’ early success. “This issue of diversity is deeply rooted in the history of McGall. Our people have been falsely demonized for hundreds of years, and we are glad someone is finally taking action against reverse discrimination,” said John White, just a regular McGall senior administrator, in an interview with The Weekly.

White’s colleague, Jane Snow, echoed similar sentiments. “My recent experience at McGall has been very hard on me without the guidance of strong white male role models in senior positions, especially after my experience teaching at the prestigious Camford University in the UK.” She cited “a culture of diversity that silences dialogue about the importance of homogeneity on campus” as the main crux of the problem that she hopes can be overcome.

As her next move, the Countess will be hosting a white people only closed meeting in order to provide a safer space for McGall faculty members like Snow to express their concerns.