Compendium  Students push for Eldritch Studies

Access to knowledge of celestial eternals crucial

Last Friday, February 13, the Dark One reached out from its slumber and into the minds of thousands of students affiliated with McGall, and spoke to them in their nightmares, reminding them of the futility of their existence.

“You mortals live on a tiny speck of dust in a universe beyond your comprehension,” said the Thing That Should Not Be. “The vast reaches of the dark void are forever beyond your petty grasp. The knowledge of the eternal celestials shall never be yours. Your wretched existence has no purpose.”

Speaking to The Weekly in an interview, Howard P. Lovecraft, U3 Interdimensional Development Studies student, described the nightmarish broadcast as terribly painful, as if a thousand nails were hammered into his head each time a new word was uttered, but also thought-provoking.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far,” Lovecraft said.

Inspired by the shared nightmare that will be forever grafted into our collective memories, Lovecraft and his really cool friend Jen Cemertek, U3 Pseudo-anarchist Studies student and Totally-One-Hundred-Per-Cent-Objective Opinions editor at The Weekly, started a petition to launch an Eldritch Studies minor.

“You know, in my studies, we read about many a great philosopher and political theorist. We listen to the words of dead men from [the] 19th century, hear them telling us to destroy private property, among other things,” Cemertek said in a letter written in red ink.

“Yet not once have I been taught how to do blood sacrifices properly – it’s very wasteful if not done properly.”

According to the petition, Lovecraft and Cemertek envision the minor as “an interdisciplinary approach to how the universe functions, and how we can manage to deal with the fact that the arcane shall never be made clear to us.”

“So, is that like philosophy?” asked Gore Semantikov, U2 Erratums Studies student and Last-Week’s-News editor at The Weekly. “Don’t philosophy students also realize that truth is subjective, and the infinite shall be forever beyond their grasp?”

“It’s a bit different,” Cemertek was heard to say. “The study of the Eldritch is more practical. We want to acquire the secrets of the celestial eternals, and then use blood magic to wake the Sleeping One, the Dark One, the Thing That Should Not Be – perhaps even bend it to our will.”

“All for academic purposes, obviously,” Cemertek concluded.

“Access to information about, and knowledge of, the celestial eternals are crucial,” said Argus Tiberius Indigo, an exchange student from Proxima Centauri, whose close friends call them ATI. “My planet was completely destroyed, because we did not know what the architects of the universe had in mind. Things like that can be easily averted with more knowledge.”

Later, Lovecraft explained the purpose of the minor in much simpler terms.

“The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age,” he said.

Lovecraft and Cemertek are planning on submitting the petition to Principal Suzie Forte by the end of March. Speaking to The Weekly, Forte said she was beyond ecstatic to hear about an opportunity to uncover the secrets of the celestial eternals.

“The Dark One was condemned to an eternal slumber in the depths,” Forte said in hushed whispers. “For it was destined to bring the knowledge to us – but we were denied our rights.”

“I will see to it that the Eldritch Studies minor becomes a part of McGall’s curriculum. Our day will come. The secrets of the celestial eternals shall be ours, and humanity shall become one with the architects of the universe!”