Compendium  Admin denies chinchilla scandal

Underground rodent lair discovered in Administrative Palace basement

The Weekly has discovered the existence of an illicit chinchilla farm operating in the basement of McGall’s Administration Palace.

The Weekly has also learned that this chinchilla farm is secretly responsible for 70 per cent of McGall’s reported privately-earned income.

Documentation, obtained via a request for access-to-some-stuff (ASS), showed that the farm has been in operation since 1821. However, more recent accessible documentation will not be available until McGall completes its audit in the fall, according to McGall provost Toni B. Musty.

Musty said he is “appalled” at these allegations. He insisted that the chinchillas were “scofflaws,” and that they would not be allowed to live in such an important and expensive building.

Our source, who wished to remain anonymous, worked with the chinchillas until massive administrative cutbacks resulted in his termination in the fall of 2014. He said that one caretaker still lives in the bowels of the building, and is solely responsible for the feeding, sponge-bathing, breeding, and selling of more than 500 chinchillas.

Our anonymous source, who says he originally started in chinchilla farming because of his passion for the creatures, said he could not stand by as his former colleague and the chinchillas remained vulnerable to this subjugation.

“It’s not chin-chill,” the source told The Weekly in an interview. “The chinchillas have needs, and [their needs] are not being met. Where is their dust for burrowing? They need dust! How will they remain plush?”

Traditionally, chinchillas bathe by immersing themselves in sand or dust, but the administration appears to have neglected this practice and has instead been cleaning the chinchillas with water.

“This is why I’m speaking up now,” explained the source. “I’m worried about their health.”

The abhorrent treatment of the chinchillas has also been linked to rodent infestations taking place in other buildings. The chinchillas, unwilling to remain subjugated to a cold, endless enslavement in the marble basement of the Administration Palace, are calling on rodents worldwide to rise up and revolt against human imperialism.

Also, The Weekly learned on Saturday that government officials have unsuccessfully attempted to conduct a raid. While they were able to rescue the abjectly lonely farmer, the administration appears to have been tipped off, and was able to move the chinchillas to an alternate location.