Compendium | University is a sham

Nerds fight back to no avail

Campus sleuths have uncovered a secret that runs to the core of the University establishment. Documents leaked to the The Weekly confirm that university education is in fact an elaborate scheme to erode students’ self-esteem and critical thinking abilities in order to create a population of servile dullards.

Disgruntled and socially exiled McGall nerds were behind the revelation; a group of them hacked a University email account and discovered a folder containing correspondence between the administration and political top brass. Most emails contained detailed documents advising academics on how to degrade students.

Examples included such instructions as: “peer at students over your glasses,” “ignore students’ questions; use passive aggression,” “set presentations that are designed to humiliate the presenter,” and “engineer overly-large classes so that students feel like cattle.”

In the interests of readers’ peace of mind, The Weekly has held back publication of some of the most shocking recommendations. However, campus activists consider making students’ families pay tuition the most humiliating measure.

“No matter what you do it’s wrong,” said Keener O’Dowde, a U3 Social Interaction Tips Student and former straight-A high school pupil. “You do your work, get your shitty C+, receive no advice, and then get thinly-veiled abuse from your prof, TA, and classmates. Then I have to turn around and pretend to my family that everything’s fine?”

The Weekly interviewed Crackers Burge, a Masters Comical Science student and disgruntled nerd, to speak to the revelation. “What we’ve figured out is that this began post-student strike. Political elements decided that students needed to be tranquilized back into stupidity – they were frightened of exposure.”

“What’s most worrying is that some students seem to have been co-opted,” he continued. “It’s those slimy student Liberal Party members who strut around with their suits and pompous smiles and condescending conversation. These people have been bred to make you feel bad about yourself,” he continued. “God-awful class traitors!”

McGall has reacted with characteristic apathy; Liberal McGall, the university’s Liberal student society, released a statement calling on the need for more “neutrality and rational discussion.” However No Justice Without Justice For Nerds (NJWJN), a student group aiming to collect all academic-minded students under one roof, has decided to raise awareness of the issue.

Some of NJWJN’s activism has raised eyebrows, however. The group has accused student politicians, professors, and administrative staff of belonging to an alien reptilian race.

“David Ickes was right. Just so, so right. The proof is in their eyes: their cold, emotionless, reptilian eyes,” chirped Nerd-In-Chief, Satchel Gramme, referring to the glaze of hopeless exasperation commonly found among bureaucrats.

“It’s all a trick. They put on their human shells everyday, but their alien technology isn’t sufficiently advanced to capture the beauty of the human eye.”

An anonymous administration insider contacted The Weekly to clear up some of the confusion. “In a way, this reptile shit is playing really well for us. We’re obviously not reptiles,” he said.

“We are engaged in psychological and economic warfare though,” he chuckled. “Governments crush the working people while the middle class sits smugly because they think they’re exempt. Our genius is in making them think that, while enslaving their puny minds when they come to study with us.”