Compendium | De-de-demilitarize causes stir

Controversy exploited by University while it prepares for war

In an escalating war of attrition against radical conformists, campus direct action group Demilitarize McGall has changed its name to ‘De-de-demilitarize McGall,’ The Weekly has learned.
The name change has come after a De-de-demilitarize McGall awareness-raising action on Remembrance Day, which caused campus centrists to crawl out of their privilege-hidey-holes and voice an opinion in retaliation.

Students’ Facebook accounts were flooded with demonstrations of centrists’ newfound self-confidence the night of November 11. The Weekly interviewed Facebook debate participants who were enthusiastic about the forum as a means to promote discussion.

“It was so empowering,” said Glen Reject, a U3 Management of the Class War student. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t have the confidence to voice my opinions in person. Online though, I can swear and belittle as much as I like! This is one of the truly liberating interpretations of freedom of speech.”

“It’s great because I get to match silent awareness-raising with pure spite!” he continued.

De-de-demilitarize McGall refused to stoop to the level of the radical conformists however, only to cause further anger, prompting a slew of ill-informed tirades in the campus press. According to insider sources at De-de-demilitarize McGall, the name change serves the purpose of detoxifying their “brand identity” among the student body.

“We were actually really concerned when people started insulting us online and in the press,” said an activist who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s upsetting because we really aim to reach out to reactionary students – they’re the ones we care about the most. Unrequited love is just the worst.”

The squabble reached a new peak with the creation of an anti-De-de-demilitarize McGall Facebook page, Militarize McGall, which appeared after the Remembrance Day action. Initially, McGall internet message boards circulated the rumour that this was a false-flag operation by anti-military activists on campus, designed to humiliate jingos by wildly exaggerating their claims. Weekly investigative journalists were able to trace the IP address back to a source located within James Defenestration.

“This confirms our worst fears,” said Kook Swain, a U0 Brain Thinky Science student. “The University is engaging in a propaganda campaign to recruit students for its long-planned military attack on the University of Tdot.”

“I work in the McGall Laboratory for the Perpetuation of Marginalization via Death and Destruction (MLPMDD), and I kept coming across plans for a massive, globular death-ray weapon,” they continued. “It seems strange, but at the time I just went along with what everyone else was doing.”

Swain told The Weekly, with some remorse, that MLPMDD workers would chant like medieval monks while working. “The refrain was always the same: ‘Tdot, Tdot, Tdot. Death, death, death,’” they said.

Subject to The Weekly’s discovery, De-de-demilitarize McGall has been able to make sense of its latest access to information request. “They’re building a Death Star. They are coming. Run. Hide,” the group told The Weekly in a concise email.

Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens, and Bane of Students, Andray Bigbadboss, were surprisingly frank when contacted for clarification.

“We’re sick and tired of this rankings bullshit,” said Bitumens. “The time has come to bring this rivalry the next level and crush them [University of Tdot] once and for all.”

“Only one small group of rebels stand in our way,” he continued, referring to De-de-demilitarize McGall.

“Where is the rebel base?” demanded Bigbadboss of Weekly reporters. “All this fuss about spending! Students should glory in the magnificent wealth spent on our new weaponry.”

McGall later sent out a press release confirming their propaganda campaign for the war effort, with Principal Suzie Forte due to authorize the mobilization of the Death Star later this week. In the interest of impartiality, The Weekly declined to point out that their whole project is vulnerable to a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-person starship. De-de-demilitarize McGall has relocated and begun organizing on a small forest moon.