Compendium | Administration power drunk and oil-crazed

Scientists embarass McGall, consequences unfold

In a dramatic revelation, McGall researchers confirmed on November 3 that human-made climate change is irreversible, and biblical environmental conditions will soon sweep humanity from the face of the Earth. The revelation is particularly embarrassing for the administration, which has sought to spin earth-devastating climate change in a positive light. On Friday, McGall declared that the species will cling on no matter what, but that students must radically adapt their lifestyles to accommodate the brave new world before us.

The Weekly contacted the McGall environmental researchers for comment; however, all bar one were busy burrowing deep beneath the Macdonald-Stewart building in an effort to found an underground stronghold. The only researcher who could be reached for comment was visibly distraught.

“Wow. So environmental destruction,” said Professor Doge Sanscomic, an Environmental Collective Murder academic. “Such sad. So fear.”

At press time, splits between McGall’s research community and the administration were evident. A point of particular contention is the Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens’ pro-crude oil marketing campaign, which has been underway since the beginning of the semester. Across campus, students have been invited to sample a “cup o’ crude” in lieu of their morning coffee. Another initiative, “crude-for-food,” has seen McGall pay for student services using only its profits from fossil fuel investments, though has received widespread outrage, as well as condemnation from the United Nations.

“I tried a cup [of crude] before a conference once. It tasted like natural-habitat-death, with just a hint of Alberta,” Bryan McBlob, a U0 Farts student, told The Weekly. “Pretty gross to be honest. Both taste-wise and moral-wise. Definitely why I decided to join Divest and Destroy,” he continued, referring to the anti-fossil fuel campus activist group, Divest and Destroy McGill.

“I don’t know what everyone is grumbling about,” Bitumens told The Weekly in an email. “For a start, we’re raking in those dolla’. Plus, we’re all going to have to accept this is the life we’re all going to be leading soon. Better get used it.”

“I mean, when there’s no water to drink – are people going to complain about drinking crude oil then? I don’t think so,” he added.

Campus tension reached such a point that McGall principal, Suzie Forte, decided to weigh in on the debate on November 6. Addressing an angry mob that had congregated outside her balcony at the Administration Palace, the principal remained recalcitrant.

“Now I become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” she announced, eyes agleam and arms outstretched. “All shall love me and despair!” she cried, before retiring to her throne room.

Students participating in the angry mob were reportedly at a loss for words, and pressed the administration for clarification. Some claimed they heard snatches of conversations outside the palace referring to a “new world order.” None of the senior administration could be reached for comment after November 6. All have been hospitalized for an extremely rare condition in which the iris and pupil morph into dollar signs. The Weekly wishes those affected a speedy recovery.