Compendium  Students and staff give thanks for colonialism

Inconsistency in values important, says administration

McGall organized and impromptu event, “Let’s give thanks for colonialism,” to coincide with Columbus Day and Thanksgiving earlier in the week. The administration opened the doors of the James Defenestration building to a curious student body, eager to discover the secret colonial delights within.

The event organizer, Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens, spoke to The Weekly about his motivations.

“You know, colonial history isn’t all about pillage, and theft, and disease, and slavery, and genocide,” he explained. “There was also a little commercial export thrown into the mix. Sometimes, it’s nice to accentuate the positives.”

“McGall of course had its own part to play in the whole business – and we want to show the student body what a great time we had of it. Sharing is caring, after all.”

According to the promotional literature for “Let’s give thanks for colonialism”, the event was billed as something that would “at last cut the bullshit” about what Thanksgiving is really about. “We might as well give up pretending this is something it’s not.” said Blinda Hebb, a mandarin at the Office of the Deputy Provost (Student Gripes and Weed). “Let’s throw caution to the wind and celebrate like it’s 1899.”

Students attending the event were encouraged to come in fancy dress – those who turned up without a costume were handed skimpy white shorts, long socks, trilby hats, and pipes. Many were shocked by the scale of the imperial splendour at the festivities, but expressed their thanks that this was a system from which they could all benefit.

“It’s nice to know that whatever I do, colonialism, colonial history, and McGall have got my back,” said Major Rand Trilby, a U3 Objective History student and event attendee. “It’s important that we collectively give thanks for the opportunity to feel superior. I mean this has been going on for centuries and we’re still reaping the benefits – jackpot,” he added.

Undercover Weekly journalists at the event told of the undisguised debauchery in James Defenestration, with members of the administration reportedly riding around on horseback, inebriated with gin and tonic, while students enthusiastically debated which among them had the most extensive feudal land rights. The highlight of the event however was a panel discussion, with surprise guest speaker, Christopher Columbus, conjured back from the dead with the combined wizardry of McGall’s Board of Governors.

“I thought there was an Eyes Wide Shut theme going on or something like that,” said Jill Spellbinder, U2 Occult Sciences. “All these old white guys dressed in robes sort of dancing around a cauldron. Then all of a sudden this old Italian dude jumps out with a comedy grin.”

Columbus, reportedly pleased to return to the mortal realm, took questions from an inquisitive, if drunk, audience. Some students at the event were still confused about what to think of the morality of colonialism and Thanksgiving.

“There’s some confusion I know, but it’s important to bear in mind that holding inconsistent values is the key to a happy life. I’m sure Trololollivier [Bitumens] would agree,” said Columbus.

“True that – how else do you think we manage to keep the moral high ground with students while doing all our sketchy research,” quipped Bitumens.