Compendium  “Everybody in this building needs to be shot into outer space”

SHMU Council meeting runs until wee hours, discusses referendum motions

Tempers flared at the most recent gathering of the Students’ Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) Council, as debates on contentious issues raged until 2:43 a.m. when the meeting was finally adjourned. Refusing to allow any hot topics to go undiscussed, councillors endured stale, cold samosas and slowly failing vocal cords.

The meeting was prolonged beyond its usual tedium due to the consideration of several new motions for the upcoming SHMU referendum period this semester. Among the uncharacteristically long list of motions for the referendum was a motion regarding the relocation of certain offices within SHMU, which took up most of the debating time during the meeting.

The motion was moved by SHMU Vice-President (VP) Extraterrestrial Sham Haggis, and VP Universal Affairs Showy Jay, and resolves to “shoot certain offices currently located in the SHMU building into fucking outer space once and for all.” The resolutions go on to specify that The Weekly office in particular “has a crater in the moon with its name on it,” and that the entirety of the SHMU office should be “given the astronomical boot, if you know what I mean.” Other smaller offices were also slated for launch, but in less grandiose and descriptive fashion.

When debate opened on the motion, opinions were highly polarized. Immediate concerns were raised about the logistics of the operation. SHMU President Karp Larping was among the first to speak up. “Sure, it needs to happen. But how? Are we gonna get a demo team and rip these offices out the side of the building? Or just collect everything inside them and load it into a spaceship?”

Several councillors spoke out in favour of the motion, but with reservations about its limited scope. Damn Bannermore, representative for the Department of Brain Thinky Science, suggested that, economically speaking, it would be worth including a number of offices located elsewhere on campus in the ejecta. Bannermore indicated several floors of the Farts building, as well as certain offices within the MacDoodle Engineering building that “could certainly use a trip to the surface of Pluto.”

Very few were vocal opponents of the gist of the plan itself, but instead fierce debate continued for hours on the scale and management of the plan. Sham Haggis spoke up in favour of his more conservative motion to only send a few offices from the SHMU building. “If we’re going to be honest, everybody in this building needs to get shot into outer space. I think we can all agree on that. But it isn’t doable.”

A representative from the Department of Criticism and Critiquing, King Sharzem-O’Granny, emphasized the urgency of having the motion moved forward in the upcoming referendum. “The longer we all stay on the surface of this shitty planet, the longer we have to fuck everything up.”

The meeting finally adjourned when it was decided that the motion would proceed as a referendum question, with minor amendments. Rather than selecting a few offices, the question now reads that the entirety of the SHMU building is to be lifted from its foundations with several rockets strapped to its sides. The precise logistics are yet to be made explicit, but details will follow if the question passes referendum later this semester.