Compendium  Students invited to “revel in glory” of McGall weaponry

Open house includes tour of hangar, bomb range

McGall’s open house last week saw a veritable flood of half-interested wealthy American parents and their children on our esteemed campus, raising eyebrows in feigned interest at the many entirely thrilling sights. A recent addition to the open house, the “Walking Tour of Things Designed to Kill People,” was a surprise hit among attendees.

One of the main organizers of the tour, Kevlar Saul, spoke with The Weekly about the unexpected interest. “I guess a lot of prospective students want to know about McGall’s long-standing involvement in technologies designed and manufactured for the specific purpose of ending human lives,” Saul said cheerfully. “The drones were a real hit.”

The tour’s announcement was itself the subject of much curiosity, as McGall had previously done “everything in its power” to keep military research away from the eyes of the public, according to Saul. When reached for comment on the overnight renouncement of such secrecy, McGall’s Extremely Welcoming Centre simply explained that “it was time” for McGall to be fully transparent in its militaristic dealings, and because “it’s not like people would refuse to attend the university based on its contributions to warfare anyway.”

The tour reportedly included a visit to the heretofore secret McGall hangar, embedded deep in the heart of Mount Royal and accessed through a tunnel that connects to the basement of the Jones Administration building. Tour attendees were invited to “gaze with wonder” upon the rows of unmanned aerial vehicles. When they proceeded to the armoury, the attendees were then granted permission to “reach out and feel the unyielding strength resting inside [the thermobaric explosives].”

The McGall Military Research Division also staffed an ‘information kiosk’ in Service Point during the open house, alongside other student services and offices. The Division candidly answered questions about the militaristic applications of many engineering research projects, and also revealed the involvement of other faculties in the research, much to the “pleasant surprise” of many attendees, according to a debriefing released by the Division.

“I got a much clearer sense of the practical applications of research here,” one prospective student said of the tour and kiosk. “I’m thinking of going into biochemistry, so it’s good to know that I could be contributing to the painful deaths of people in strange and exotic lands halfway around the world, someday. […] Chemical warfare is a whole other job niche I hadn’t considered until today.”

Given the success at the open house, Saul is optimistic that he will be able to continue giving the tours in the future. “There’s something about that spark of delight in people’s eyes when their fingertips graze against the smooth surface of a drone. It’s a real pleasure to inform the public, and I think the transparency is a good move on McGall’s part.”