Compendium | McGall vows to “bring everyone down with us”

Dip in ranking leads to scheming, naughtiness

At a press conference this afternoon, McGall’s principal and vice-baroness Suzie Forte admitted the only way for McGall to perform better in the QS Totally Arbitrary University Rankings is to “bring everyone else down with us.”

“I was really looking forward to cutting more arts classes,” Forte explained. “But we sorta reached the limit. We also toyed with the idea of expanding class sizes by holding them in the Perky-Milson stadium. But in the end, we decided that we had no choice but to lay waste to those phonies in Massachusetts and Ontario.”

Forte pointed out that McGall had been conducting “totally unethical” research for years, and that they “probably” had something in their “arsenal” to drop on the University of T-Dot (U of T), Hawward University, or Massachusetts Institute of Tummy Tootin’ (MITT). “At McGall, we’re fortunate enough to have years of expertise in inducing human suffering. I mean, did you know that we used to develop fuel air explosives? And all of that research we did into psychological warfare for the CIA? Why isn’t that tallied in the rankings? That has to count for something,” she complained to the conference.

“By the time they work out what went wrong, we’ll be sitting on a beach, earning 20 per cent,” Forte added, paraphrasing evil mastermind Hans Gruber from the Die Hard franchise.

Still, Forte made it clear that there were other ways for the QS or Times Higher Education to improve their system.

“Also, I’m pretty sure that some parts of X-Men were filmed in the Arts Building in August,” she said. “I think the world of higher education is ready for a Hugh Jackman index. God, that man is work of art. He’s talented too. Were you watching the Oscars in 2009? I was.”

Meanwhile, the Board of Covetors, McGall’s highest and naughtiest governing body, released a statement which said that they had briefly considered building bike gates all over the U of T campus in order to “show them who’s the boss.”

“Frankly, we’re sick of how U of T has been getting all of the attention lately,” wrote Philmore Dietrichson, a member of the board. “It won’t affect their ranking very much, but the goal here is really to change how others perceive U of T, because that’s mostly what those rankings are about. It’s not like their methodology made sense anyway.”

In an interview with The Weekly, Samuel S. Pennington, the dick behind all university rankings ever, admitted that the methodology used to establish the rankings had been “mostly” made up on the spot.

“Generally speaking, our ranking is based off the number of old-timey looking buildings per university,” he said. “We also look at whether or not said old-timey looking buildings have any sort of vegetation growing on them. We look for vines mostly.”

Unfortunately for McGall, Pennington said he did not believe that the destruction of U of T would result in any significant change to the ranking.

“We just learned a few days ago that a portal to hell had just opened, right in the middle of campus,” he explained. “That’s probably going to cost them in the rankings – I’ll have to check if we factor those in.”