Compendium | Ask The Weekly: A girl who burns

How to find the perfect hot girl

Dear Weekly,

I’m not sure if this is the kind of question you answer, but how the hell do I find hot, dateable girls? I don’t think I’m really unreasonable in relationships. I split all my bills, I flush after I use the washroom, I don’t have any annoying catchphrases. But every date and relationship in the last few years has just ended badly, some way or another.

I go out to the gay bars once in a while. I order and drink my craft beer really obviously, even though I don’t think it tastes amazing or anything, and I keep eye contact with the cutie in the corner. I go and talk to her, and we seem to hit it off. I go back to the bar for another drink and when I look over, she’s making out with some hot chick with a buzzcut and a flannel overshirt.

I’ve tried online dating. Same shit. I get into a good conversation with some girl, and then we meet up for an awkward coffee date and I don’t know how to ask her home. I mean, it’s like 2:30 p.m., isn’t it weird to try to get it on in the early afternoon?

Maybe I should try to hang out around activists or something? You know, try a little “I’m just exploring my post-structuralist side” kinda stuff? Is that disingenuous?

Basically, what I’m asking is, “Where do I go to find hot girls, and how do I make myself look like a hot girl to them?”

—Single as fuck

Dear Single,

Hot girls are hard to come by, but don’t get down on yourself. You’re just looking in the wrong places. Don’t ignore a girl with fire in her eyes. Don’t mistake a burning curiosity for a passing glance over her shoulder.

Date a girl who burns. Be a moth to the flame. Date a girl who sears her fingerprints into everything she touches. Date a girl with ashes on her clothes, because she is about to burst from that gray drabness, remade, reborn.

She’s the girl at the coffeeshop in the arid desert town, surrounded by the charred remains of her former companions. She might give you a glare, as most girls who burn do not like to be interrupted. Buy her another glass of 100 per cent ethanol. Don’t stand too close.

It’s easy to date a girl who burns. Give her matches and oil for her birthday. Give her the gift of fire. Let her know that you understand that an eternal inferno is the greatest love.

If you find a girl who burns, keep her close. When you find yourself awakening amidst your flaming bedsheets at 2 a.m., and she is clutching her hellishly hot hands, turning her very tears into steam, make her a cup of tea, and hold her (gently, through a fire blanket).

If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, illuminated only by the ethereal glow of an impossible and inextinguishable flame, date a girl who burns. Date a hot girl.

—The Weekly