Compendium | Campus radicals learn rationality

Give up

Over the Easter weekend, the McGall community was shocked to hear that the radical students on campus – often called “the vocal minority” – had given up on all of their ideals and protests, citing the fact that they were “rationally, just plain wrong” in a statement released by William Blake, a U2 Criticism and Critiquing major. The statement, he claims, speaks for all radicals on campus. “One person can speak for a whole group, of course,” is how Blake chose to explain it.

“It’s been a long road for us. But thanks to commenters on Facebook, Reddit, and the McGall Twice-A-Weekly’s website, I’ve learned how wrong I was about everything,” continued Blake.

Blake, who had participated in many demonstrations against the Quebec government’s tuition hikes – and also their proposed indexation and budget cuts – admitted that he had been “wrong” to demonstrate. “It became quite clear to me: because I could pay for higher tuition, I’m not allowed to protest against it. I have a MacBook and sometimes buy Starbucks coffee; after realizing this, I stripped off my red square in disgust. Also, Quebec’s tuition is the lowest in the country, and when things are low, they should be higher. That’s like downtown Duh-ville.”

“My original idea to instead tax corporations a percentage point or two more, I found, was also ridiculous. The businesses would leave, and, as is known, without businesses, how could the province survive? Yes, businesses, not education, is what’s important. I now feel strongly that education should be structured like a business, because business just works. Pay more, get better things. Economics: it always works. Unassailable, really.”

Blake expressed regret that “my and other campus radicals’ actions last year, in getting a tuition freeze enacted, caused the government to cut the education budget this year. The protests led to that, for which I am deeply sorry.”

Blake also addressed other recent controversies that he had taken a radical stance on, such as Divest McGall. “I thought that divesting from fossil fuels would make a more ethical university. But, once again, rationality came out ahead. Divesting would barely dent fossil fuels’ money supply, and what would it mean for engineers? Their post-graduate employment possibilities would be threatened. We can’t just willy-nilly go into a decision like that. It should take time. And we need to make sure engineers have jobs, before finding cleaner energy sources. Same thing with Demilitarize McGall. That research isn’t all bad, after all. The ends justify the needs.”

Blake had recently participated in the March Against Police Brutality. “What a horrible mistake,” he conceded, before announcing his intention to pay the $637 fine he had received after being caught in a kettle. “Listen. It’s like this. The police are among the best people we have in this great nation (I mean Canada here, though I think Barack Obama and the U.S. are doing great, too). They protect the people. I now have an implicit trust in them. Brutality is an outlier. And the protesters need to start submitting their route, really.”

Blake further pledged support for moderation in all facets of life. “Thank goodness I had my revelation before voting in the SSMU elections. I now know that a moderate approach – one that works with the administration, never too pushy, was the best for this school. Plus, everyone who I voted for declared that they would keep politics out of their platforms. Personal politics have nothing to do with making decisions for the students’ society, of course.”

Recent controversies over Frosh themes and 4Floors costumes were also addressed: “I used to be offended by things like blackface, sombreros, and Frosh themes that encouraged the hypersexualization of women. But I needed thicker skin. I mean, once you get rid of one thing, where does it ever stop? This slope is very slippery. Gotta just grin and bear it.”

At the end of his statement, Blake concluded with a statement regarding McGall’s administration, about whom he had previously penned numerous angry articles for The Twice-A-Weekly. “I used to think those guys were so, so bad. But then it came to me: the administration just wants to help us. They’re here, primarily, for students. I can’t wait to take more Arts classes with full-time professors, even if they’re bigger in size. Because I know the administration listened to people like me.”

Blake, when asked by The Twice-A-Weekly what he plans to do with his newfound rationality, gave a low-key answer. “Well, I plan to teach radicals the same lessons I’ve learned using internet commenting. But, when I’m not doing that, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go to some sports games, watch some movies – I heard Argo was really good – and definitely hit the wine and cheeses up. Oh, and BDA. Dolla dolla beers y’all!”