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Big feet increase earnings; men free of all blame

Study finds small feet, not systemic sexism, to blame for women’s low pay

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Women’s smaller feet are to blame for their comparatively low pay, new research commissioned by the Institute for Studies (IfS) shows.

The report proves the link between smaller feet sizes and lower pay, effectively dismissing over 150 years of sociological research that suggested the gradual reification of performed gender roles into male and female over time, an economic system reliant on the exploitation of all non-males, and the all-around shitty nature of men were to blame.

The report asked women and men – there were no other categories offered – to self-report both their shoe size and their wage. Professor Paul Nathanson, lead-researcher in the IfS team, then compiled the Facts into Graphs and Took Averages.

When quizzed as to why he chose to impose an artificial gender-binary on participants, Nathanson replied with the words “just because” and “common sense” several times.

Nathanson told The Twice-a-Weekly that the results “were not un-unambiguous.”

“The data clearly shows that women earn less, and also have smaller feet,” Nathanson said. “Now I’m not a ‘scientitian’, but I think it’s pretty clear what that data means…women need to grow some bigger feet.”

Nathanson notes that the findings are consistent across race, class, and even across different countries, “proving it.”

“People have been bandying about some radical ideas over the past century,” Nathanson said. “But ‘feminism’ and ‘sexism’ are really just outdated intellectual fads that bare no relation to the reality of my Graph and Calculator.”

“The idea that our society is structurally sexist, that women are sorted, ordered, categorized, and named according to a ‘value’ system that has been constructed to coerce the female body because of men’s atavistic fear of powerful women, and that this system does not apply to men, is plainly misguided,” Nathanson said. “I saw a woman with size 10 feet yesterday; I bet she had loads of money.”

When asked if he felt that maybe he had misunderstood “it all,” Nathanson was unequivocal.

“Women need to stop blaming and start growing,” he said. “I grew my feet, so why can’t they? They could also buy bigger shoes, because of freedom.”

“We agree,” said Ted Turner, founder of CNN, Bruce Bawer, and new McGall University Principal Suzie Fartier.

Despite Nathanson’s confidence, many of the rest of everyone are “thinking that this is one of those ‘untruths.’”

“I refuse to read anything ever,” said Paul Johnson, first-year Bubble-Blowing student and Devout Bro. “But I think Nathanson is doing a bad thing, [yes], he definitely is.”

“It’s not that I know less than him,” said Gee R. King, coordinator of Awesome at Dream-Big Radio. “It’s that I do know more than him and he is wrong. Also, lived experiences.”