Leaked documents obtained through ATI requests

University inadvertently grants newspaper’s requests; documents outline internal procedures

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Thanks to a recently-filed Access to Information request, The Twice-a-Weekly has obtained documents that outline McGall University internal procedures. Over the coming weeks, The Twice-a-Weekly will present the documents in their unedited form. This week’s document is an email from VP (Student Purchases and Receipts) Mortono Joaquin Fendelson to Dean of Farts Christopa P. Manfreddo, outlining internal procedures for dealing with questions, and some specific situations. The Twice-a-Weekly presents the document in full below.

Dearest Manfreddoooooo:

How’s it hanging? Did you cut any research funding yet? No? You should do that. As per your last email I’ve included some deets below about dealing with questions/issues/commies, et cetera. Hang tight, bbe.

 Dealing with questions

If a student’s question mentions one of these sets of keywords, they should trigger a response using another set of keywords.

 Set one

Keywords to look out for in a students’ question: Money, where, what, doing, you, with.

Keywords to use in answer: Victim, budgetcuts, underfunding, global economy, World Class University, student wishes, the Francophone Problem [the Parti Québécois].

Set two

Keywords in question: Nothing, education, learning, happening, advising, help.

Keywords to use in answer: Victim, budget-cuts, underfunding, global economy, World Class University, student wishes, the Francophone problem.

Set three

Keywords in question: Lies, access, information, request, to, truth, show, now, illegal, courts.

Keywords to use in answer: Conspiracy, campus, beautification, future, consider, your.

Context-specific questioning

What to do if a faculty member asks about the money:

Is this a tenured, full professor?

Yes: Take money from our account and put in their account. Offer to make Chair of Department.

No: Say you will take money from their account and put it in our account.

Is the question related to specific expenditures?

Yes: Refer to The Francophone Problem, discuss benefits of science.

No: Laugh at, make humorous reference to Marxism and/or trade unions.

What to do if a student asks about the money:

Mention career trajectories. Discuss importance of assortment of contemporary ‘needs’. Pepper response with frequent references to Facebook, Apple, and competition from young people in India.

What to do if non-student questions students’ learning environment:

Mention research priorities. Point menacingly at assortment of graphs.

What to do if student questions student’s learning environment:

Mention tenured-faculty. Put six-pack of imported beer at student’s feet. Talk about Thought Catalogue. Mention Fruit Salad™.

What to do if a student journalist asks about the money:

You are too far out of James. Retreat.

Hope that clears up any questions, home boy.

Peace out.

MJ Fendie, VP (Parties and Hanging Out) (I like this better, what do you think Chris?)