Compendium  Incidents of “visceral flashbacks” on the rise among fourth-year students

WalkSafe, MROs, Fendelson weigh in on epidemic

On Saturday, WalkSafe McGall responded to a call from a panicked fourth-year student who was suffering from “intense, visceral” flashbacks to his time spent in the Milton-Parc area. The episode began as the student saw a discarded Frosh cup, a sickly shade of flourescent green. “Thehorrorthehorror the hooooorrooorrr,” he was reported to scream.

WalkSafe reported that the student’s flashbacks were more than visual. “He said that he could taste the warm Boreale in his mouth, could feel the next morning hangover, could feel the August sun beating on his shoulders” as he raved into the night. He also reportedly heard the McGall fight song “multiple times,” but eye witnesses at the scene heard only the echoes of a house party happening three blocks away, mixed in with his shouts.

This incident is one of many reported this month, as recently divulged in a McGall MRO. “This time of year is especially difficult for students, especially those close to graduating who have to relive the trauma of their first years in the Milton-Parc area over and over again in what should be a simple commute home. Also, please don’t pee in the alleys,” reported McGall’s PR Mascot, Sweetie Boy-Sweet.

One student reported excrucriating migraines as she witnessed a group of first-years, decked in puke-suits, partaking in their first Carnival. Huddled in a ball on the ground, she attempted to warn these students, but her babbling was mostly incoherent. This reporter’s best attempt to transcribe these mutterings would look like: “ohgodpleaseno, stop, this is too much, so cold, the beer, the beer, the puke running down my chin, onto-my-suit. Ohgod.” The group, reportedly on the Carnival team For Whom the Balls Toll, merely dismissed these “haters” and moved onto their next event.

Many students are wondering how they can avoid such visceral reactions. “So, do we, like cut up on Pins and skip it altogether? How far north do I have to go? Just getting to the 80 [bus] at Pins might be difficult,” said fourth-year student Bo Plankton. “I mean, BDP is right there. Oh. BDP. The cups, the balls, going everywhere, a person crouching under you to pick up the balls, no room no room no room anywhere. It is only a Tuesday. Packed like sardines…”

Psychologist and VP of Student Life Mortono Joaquin Fendelson claimed to have some tips for students, available during his “many meetings with student groups this semester.” Fendelson has spread the following tips:

“Never, ever, ever, go into New Rez. You might remember the floor seven party you went to with promises of free pizza but all that was there was five guys playing beer pong, and the stickiest floors you had ever felt. You might remember eating yet another pasta in your to-go box in the cafeteria. It is highly suggested you stay away.”

“Similarly, Upper Rez is a place that shall not be named. Similarly, you might not want to go to the Greater Toronto Area [GTA] to prevent further flashbacks. Too many people you know from Rez are there. Think of it – Scarborough. Now run away from that place.”

Fendelson also states that despite these warnings, one should be able to look upon first year with “Fond Memories (TM).”

“Frosh is a wonderful event that brings people together on campus, much like a giant fruit salad, or not protesting, ever (but, if you have to, please form an orderly queue, and orderly is defined by this new document). I mean, not that McGall’s campus needs to be much more together. It is truly the happiest place on Earth, a wonderland, and Frosh and first-year is an intergral part of this Eden we have created on Earth. Also, please don’t yell swear words or pee in the alleys or drink outside Lower Field. There are fines for that.”

While filing this story, the original reporter was unable to finish, as he was given a tip about another incident occurring at Tokyo Nightclub on a Thursday night. Upon seeing the Marlin hanging over the queue, he went into an immediate fugue state. His recorder, turned over to this reporter, reveals these quotes: “I am the Marlin. The Marlin is I. Where am I going? Where have I been? This is where I’ve been, inside the Marlin, like Jonah. I am Jonah. What is my test?” And he was gone. He has not been seen in days, though reports have placed him at various Mile End locales, trying to “shed his skin, or former identity, like a snake.”

WalkSafe, in wake of these incidents, has pledged extra support for students, while also advising them to take the Metro or something.