Dear members of the McGill Community and Market place:
We would like to thank those of you who took the time, to share your opinions concerning the Protocol Regarding Demonstrations, Protests and Occupations. Your comments on the substance of the document and on the process itself were thoughtful. There was no unanimity on changes being sought, can you believe!
We write today to tell you that as a result of these consultations, it has become evident that further discussion on this complex issue would be useful means of pacifying you, and, that in addition to written submissions, different types of exchanges on this matter such as song and dance would be welcome before final decisions will be made.
As well, in further reviewing best practices in this realm, we have come to an understanding that the McGill community will be best served by an agreed-upon statement of values and principles agreed upon by us, rather than a protocol of operating procedures, which, by definition, must be sensitive to context and determined by judgement and reason and rationality and basic moral principles.
As such we have prepared a Statement of Values and Principles Concerning Freedom of Expression and Freedom of Peaceful Assembly that we have outlined below.
1. McGill values academic integrity. As such all students are required to pay a new $500 “plagiarism” fee, so that we may catch cheats.
2. McGill values frank and open discussion on matters of aesthetic expression. We invite all members of the university community to donate money toward the ongoing beautification of campus.
3. McGill values its students, and prides itself on providing them with the best work-experience possible. To join the alumni donation team, call 514 398 9999.
4. McGill values diversity and peaceful assembly. As such, will be diversifying both our investment portfolio and assembling a greater number of senior administration positions starting in September.
5. McGill values transparency. Starting in September, all students are required to declare all political affiliations on their application form and all political activity will be recorded on their transcript.
6. McGill values inclusivity. We accept Canadian Dollars, American Dollars, Australian Dollars, British Pounds, the Euro, and Japanese Yen.
7. McGill values sustainability. We promise to sustain our use of resources as long as students keep paying.
8a. McGill values freedom of expression and peaceful assembly. We will be opening a dedicated “protest zone” on the other side of the mountain in August this year.
8b. The creation of this zone will necessitate the creation of a $100 non-opt-outable Freedom and Liberty fee.
9. All protests will accord with the principle of “between 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. or else.”
10. All protests will accord with the principle of “economists know best.”
11. A corollary to 10. (and 7.) is that any occupations will be filmed and sold as reality television shows to fund extensive use of private jets.
12. Excellent protesters will receive course credit. Protesters must sign an attendance sheet to receive this credit.
These guidelines will of course be subject to the same usual rigorous consultation program. Dates and venues for the renewed consultation process will shortly be made available, but they have tentatively been set for April 14 to April 30, for your convenience. The process will include consultation fairs and the creation of an open website allowing all positive comments to be posted completely unedited, for consumption by members of the University community. We urge members of Conservative and Liberal McGill to participate in this important process.
Following the consultation period, the Statement of Values and Principles Concerning Freedom of Expression and Freedom of Peaceful Assembly will be brought to Senate and the Board of Governors for final deliberations when we deem the time is right.
We look forward to watching you jump through hoops over the next months.
Princess Di Anna, Vice-Principal (Counting and Adding Up)
Manthony C. Assi, Silliest