Compendium  Coffee is the uncaused cause

Scientists surprised, everyone else already awake

In an unprecedented solution to the most difficult problem of the universe, scientists have revealed that they have discovered the uncaused cause: coffee.

The discovery brings to an end a search that has lasted an/the entire space-time continuum, and finally puts to bed the question of the origin of the universe, causing celebration, dismay, and masses of people to see Jesus in their lattes.

The finding, published in the journal Laboratory!, shows that the universe came from a single molecule of coffee, and that nothing could possibly have come before it.

“It all goes back to coffee,” said lead researcher Dr. Thomas A. Quinas of the Institute for Studies (IfS). “After all of the science and adding up has been done, it’s clear that the universe came from a single molecule of coffee. There’s no point questioning us: everything that has happened proves us right. In the order of causes it goes coffee then God then God’s terrible, terrible mistake [the universe].”

“It appears God needed a little wakey-wakey; there could not have been anything before his first cup,” Quinas said.

Philosophers are divided on whether they already knew the answer. A popular televised philosophical talk show, Is it?, was the centre of controversy last night as several philosophers clashed over the discovery of the first cause.

“Philosophy pipped science by like, millenia,” said William McRoberts, Professor Emeritus of Dressing-Well at McGall University. “If everything has a cause, then it’s either an infinite chain or somewhere along it there’s a first cause. All the badass philosophers, such as myself, went for option two. The less-good philosophers wrote the film Inception. People should think and talk to each other more, [then] there wouldn’t have been all this confusion.”

“It’s true,” said Jacobius Levyathan, Associate Professor of Caffeinated Literature at McGall University. “If you think about it, nothing happens before coffee. Have you ever done anything before you’ve had a cup? No. So how could God? Exactly. Hence, coffee is the first cause. From coffee proceeds everything. No coffee, no things: il n’y a pas de hors-cafe. Science has done a good job; we have final proof that uncaffeinated life is not worth living.”

“Stfu!” said Jokes Derridas. “It was I who knew all along. Prove me wrong using words!”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. [Boo] hoo, boo hoo” said Richard Dawkins, Professor of Antagonistic Crybabying at the University of Sinkingship.

Despite the disagreement among philosophers, basically everyone else agrees nothing comes before coffee.

“Something before coffee?” said U1 Chimney Building student Chim Chimeney. “Another coffee? A percolator? Lol you guys are just seeking controversy.”

Religious leaders have not reacted with the same confidence.

In a statement released to the media, the Vatican has announced it will “begin looking through the archives” for “whatever we missed”  as soon as it finishes flagellating itself. “That is how metonymy works,” noted the Vatican.

A leaked Vatican document obtained by The Twice-a-Weekly shows that the Vatican now believes it has been mistaking the word “coffee” for “thee.”

The document claims that a recently-discovered scrap of paper from St. Augustine’s early diaries revealed the mistake.

In a poetically-worded paragraph, Augustine reveals, without confusion, that it is coffee he loves:

“Belatedly I loved coffee, O Beauty so ancient and so new, belatedly I loved coffee. For see, thou wast within and I was without, and I sought thee out there. Unlovely, I rushed heedlessly among the lovely things coffee hast made. Coffee wast with me, but I was not with coffee. These things kept me far from coffee; even though they were not at all unless they were drinking coffee. Thou didst call and cry aloud, and didst force open my palate. Thou didst gleam and shine, and didst chase away my sleepyness. Thou didst breathe fragrant odors and I drew in my breath; and now I pant for coffee. I tasted, and now I am tired and thirst. Coffee didst touch me, and I burned for another cup.” 

Elsewhere, Milton Friedman, the somehow-undying leader of the Church of Selfish-Bullshit, was unperturbed.

“Back to the drawing board,” he told The Twice-a-Weekly. “I’m sure we’ll find some more theories to apply to the world without taking into account anything real soon. [We] had people going for a while there.”

The news that heaven is in fact a bowl of coffee has sent coffee sales skyrocketing, and coffee connoisseurs are now hotly debating the type, grind, and melange of the first coffee, much to the boredom of most people who just want to function for another day’s wage slavery without losing their job.

Despite being presented with irrefutable proof that coffee is the uncaused cause, several SSMU councillors still refused to believe the truth, claiming that the truth is too political and divisive.

Euan EK is the William J. Faculty Professor of Faculty Relations at the University of Adjuncts’r’Us Incorporated. All inquiries should be directed to