Compendium  Goodcopolous bans students from campus after rager

Despite insisting that he was “down, man” and “totally not a narc,” new Dean of Students Andres Goodcopolous was once again turned away from a student’s house party in the Mile End on Thursday. It was the fourth time this month that he had tried unsuccessfully to “get [his] rage on” with McGill students in the popular Montreal neighbourhood.

Citing his “gnarly” goatee, the huge red anarchist “A” on his t-shirt, and his general radness, Goodcopolous denounced the decision and complained of a severely harshed mellow, before banning every student in attendance at the St. Viateur get-together from campus for two weeks.

As Metallica blared from a boombox in his office Friday, Goodcopolous explained that the students had violated his right to free association, and were not real anarchists like him. “Homies need to learn that unanimity can only be secured by sweet, nourishing hierarchy,” Goodcopolous said, while staring fondly at the framed portrait of Principal Heatha Lower-the-Boom that sits on desk.

Students expressed bafflement at the Dean’s disciplinary measure. “I just don’t get it,” said Telephore Sansouci, U3 Basket-Weaving, who was at the party. “This bearded guy just kept trying to strike up conversations about Bakunin, and offered me some ‘totally primo ganja.’ I didn’t know he was Dean of Students.”