Petro Canada has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for four decades of work in advancing peace around the world.
The Nobel committee in Oslo said Petro Canada had helped to transform the world “from a backwards land of stones and pebbles to a world of tamagotchis.”
The award comes as Petro Canada faces increasing criticism for its role in digging up thousands and thousands of years worth of the sun’s energy buried beneath the pristine landscape of Alberta in order to slowly suffocate humanity to death with toxic fumes.
Announcing the award, Nobel committee President Thorbjoern Jagland acknowledged Petro Canada’s current attempts to exterminate mankind and “force the third apocalypse” onto seven billion people, but said “people like Nelson Mandela needed [sic] cars to get around in.”
“Without Petro Canada, or its fellow oil companies, people would be just walking or biking everywhere. Can you imagine someone like Martin Luther King walking around from place to place? Spreading his message on two wheels? Do you know how long that would have taken? Literally no one would have cared. He’d have just been ‘that guy on a bike.’ You’d have been all like ‘Oh, that’s Martin, the guy on the bike, he did absolutely nothing for me today. Nothing. But that’s okay, because he’s just a guy on the bike, just minding his own business on his two wheels, and that’s cool,’” said Jagland.
“You know what makes ordinary people fucking Nobel Prize winners? Not cycling their cheap-asses everywhere. You wanna win the Prize? Start taking yourself seriously, for a start. And. Fuck. On a bike? Look, no one, and I mean no one, can take you seriously on a bike. It’s like all the big dawg peace-savers are fucking speeding away in a Ferrari or some other swag shit, and you’re just back in Nowheresville, Ontario eating your fucking banana. Get rid of the banana, get off those two wheels, and join the fucking big leagues. Yeah, Petro Canada wins ‘cause they bring the big leagues. No bananas, no bullshit, they just bring it big and everywhere and all of the time. And boom. Nobel prize. Boom.” Jagland said.
The last organization to be given the prize outright was Médecins Sans Frontières, which won in 1999 for saving literally millions of people around the world from almost certain death.
A representative from Médecins Sans Frontières called this year’s award “fully stupid” and said the organization will now begin sending arms to “each and every doctor, nurse, and health-care worker out there.”
“This is such a joke. Seriously. The Nobel Peace Prize committee needs to read something. Just a thing. But it’s too late. So lock and load. Médecins Sans Frontières is going in. Straight up boom-boom blap blap fucking in there with our guns like big bags of dicks swinging around and around our heads. First Obama and now this? If this is the Nobel committee’s idea of peace we will show them what their ‘peace’ looks like. It looks like war in their faces. We gonna have doctors up in their grillz.”
A spokesperson for Petro Canada said the company welcomed the acclaim, and that they had been working toward a moment like this since before the company’s inception in 1975.
“I believe it is justified for Petro Canada to see its work for peace recognized, not only in the context of Canada, but the world,” he said.
“We started way back before the wheel was invented, just six people and a vision. And now Petro Canada is the most important project in the world for peace in terms of transnational, supranational cooperation. Without us no one could do anything.”
Euan EK is the David Sugar Professor of Rationality. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.