Last night, the dreamboat of James, Mortono Joaquin Fendelson, saved the Earth from climate change.
Citizens of the world are rejoicing after learning they had been saved from what scientists had called “the burning up of everyone and everything you ever cared about in a giant inferno of terrible terrible pain.”
“I’m, like, relieved,” said Juan Deyerection, a U1 Frosh Student. “The sun is hot.”
Fendelson told The Twice-a-Weekly that he is “not undelighted” with the achievement. “Global warming, climate change, the hole in the ozone, it’s all over, it’s done. I fucking ended that shit. Boom city. Boom fucking city,” Fendelson said.
“It wasn’t much of a fight really,” Fendelson said. “Climate change has been getting cocky for a few years now, sticking his head above the parapet. It was alright when he was pushing up the temperature by small degrees, I mean, like, no one gives a fuck about Australia and those small islands out there, but shit was getting warm, nahmean? I had to step in.”
Onlooker Francesca Peekabia remarked that Fendelson dispatched climate change with the consumate ease of “Muhammed Ali, but like if Muhammed Ali was on that shit that Lance Armstrong was taking.”
“Climate change is a piece of shit wimp,” said Fendelson, who works out his muscular physique by lifting three children out of poverty each day, “I only had to look at him and he screamed like Michael Jackson, but like if he was a porpoise.”
Despite ending everyone’s certain doom, Fendelson has come in for criticism from some quarters for refusing to hold back in his interviews.
“I just think he’s a bit too open with the press,” said Public Relations expert Al Wayslie. “He opens the cupboard and just chucks dozens and dozens of bones out at them. He hides nothing. It’s not the best way to approach this problem.”
When The Twice-a-Weekly put it to Fendelson that with his power comes great responsibility, and that he should be more of a role model for the future rulers of the world, he responded that “those who critique me are those I have saved. Yet I do not cast the first stone. Will I turn the other cheek? Yes. Will I stand in the stocks and take the apples and tomatoes of the baying crowd in my open mouth? Yes. But will I kneel before the gospel of the PR gods and corporate strategists? No. No I will not. Life is for living free. I hope by ending climate change we can all, at last, live the liberty we deserve.”
With that Fendelson kissed this reporter on each cheek, and allowed us all to breathe a cleaner, freer air.
Euan EK has faced prosecution in countries that don’t even exist anymore. It will survive.