Compendium | Fendelson cures cancer

Humble administrator refuses to accept Nobel prize

This weekend, the Deputy Provost of Student Purchases and Receipts Mortono Joaquin Fendelson cured cancer. In what people around the world are calling “a fucking big deal,” cancer has been thrown from our small planet and into outer space, after a long and spectacular duel with Sir Fendy.

Fendelson, a silver fox with a chiseled jaw-line and biceps that make Michael Phelps look like a small goldfish, says his actions were for “everyone,” echoing the sentiments of Sir Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the internet. Fendelson also stated that he would not be enforcing the patent on this new development.

“I just don’t feel it would be right of me to accept praise for this,” he said. “Have you ever read any Marx? Value is produced by the collective work of mankind. I’m just the same as everyone else; it’s only right to ensure that the people will benefit from the success of the people’s work. Maybe I can’t bring about the revolution, but I can do my bit to give back.”

Offered the Nobel Prize one month in advance of the typical October announcement, Fendelson declined the award and its attendant $1 million prize, stating he does not wish to have a large public profile.

“I’m more of the quiet type really,” said the soft-spoken, genteel Fendelson. “Apart from my research I spend my time amongst the poesie of the great John Keats.”

Fendelson also sings in a local church choir, and his voice has been described by some as reminiscent of Keats’ own nightingale. “Resplendent,” said one fan. “His voice, his command of pitch and tone…resplendent.”

One of Fendelson’s closest associates, Baroness Heather Mama Boom, said that she “couldn’t be more proud of lil-Fendy-woo,” and called him “something like a Ghandian Martin Luther King, but with Princess Diana’s eyes.”

Asked what his plans for the future are, Fendelson says he doesn’t want to think too far into the future, but that he really wants to go home and bake his grandma “a nice cupcake or two.”

“I don’t feel we respect our elders enough in this society,” said the former Rhodes Scholar, “so I try to go out of my way to involve them in my day to day life. I’m not saying my life is that interesting, but that people learn from open discourse. That’s what I build my life around, encouraging community involvement and the extension of the public sphere, citizenship, if you will.”

Euan EK is a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist noted for a clarity of argument and swagger of style.