Alright, this is the one. My days of sentimental, inspirational-themed, hallmark-gift-card-esque columns are over. You thought I wouldn’t snap out of it, but I did. You thought that it wouldn’t arrive, but it has. Ladies and gentleman (all six-ish of you), I present you with my badass column:
(Before I start I’d just like to mention that my column name “Life Lines” is a spelling mistake by my cheesy editors; it is in fact “Life Lies”, which it does…so you should lie right back.)
So Christian Bale – better known as the guy that plays Bruce Wayne in the recent Batman movies – is having some issues. He entered the silver screen scene as an unassuming 13-year-old that was handpicked by Steven Spielberg to star in the great director’s Empire of the Sun. This was the tricycle he got on to eventually ride a Harley. (Note one: motorcycle metaphors increase column badass-ness by ten per cent.) This Harley came in the form of deep, dark roles that showed his prodigious talent and led to a cult following that rivals Sean Turner’s.
End of the story? Hell, no. (Note two: adding various profanities before either “yes” or “no” greatly decreases the meter on the sappy-rainbows-and-butterflies-writer scale.) Looking at the graph that displays Christian Bale’s relative calmness as a function of his movie career, you see two jerking lines that signal to lurking episodes. First, Bale is charged for attacking his sister and mother in London, but is later cleared as they don’t press the matter. Second, Bale goes what can be badassedly called “apeshit” on the set of the upcoming Terminator: Salvation when the cinematographer steps into his line of sight during a scene.
Where am I going with this you ask? Just wait, all this history is quite necessary for the unveiling of my most badass characteristic. Recently, Christian Bale has been under medical inspection, and it has been suspected that he suffers from a severe case of double personality disorder. That his masterful acting skills are a consequence of that. Now before you know my secret, you need to look at Bale’s repertoire. This dude didn’t star in The Notebook. No, his film titles include The Secret Agent, Reign of Fire, A Murder of Quality and perhaps most badass of all: American Pyscho. Realize how straight-up un-cheesy this man is.
Now I guess you’ve already figured it out – why I’m telling you all this. And yes, it is my pleasure to acknowledge: I am Christian Bale’s other half. I’m the other part of his identity. Sure, you could say that double personality disorder does not actually mean two people but that’s how badass we are. And.
You see that? See what happens when I try to go out of my comfort zone? When I try new things? Not only do I lose my touch (the touch that makes my readers all warm inside) but I pick random topics, dish out on useless trivia, and make weird (not bad) ass comparisons.
Let me just save what there’s left to save: Bale has also starred in movies titled A Portrait of a Lady, All the Little Animals and Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna. And like Bale in these films, we should try to see the quieter, “sentimentaler” side of life.
Despite his issues, Bale is a phenomenal artist who is trying in his own to understand the inexplicable intricacy, that like dew on a spider’s web, glistens through our lives. How’s that for back to normal?
I’ll be having tea and reading Reader’s Digest inspirational stories if anybody wants to join me.
See you next time,
Johanu’s column will be back next Monday. Send <3s to firstname.lastname@example.org.