Few things serve as well for a paradox as the words of a newspaper column compared to the conversation at a family gathering. At the latter, you chat about snow storms and sunny skies from the first greeting to the final dessert while avoiding religion and politics like the plague. In the former, you hardly ever mention the weather because it’s controversial topics that get readers reading.
But this has got to stop. The crisp air that greets me every morning is a mere warning of the teeth-clappering, tear-inducing cold that is to come. It is very hard to write a piece that everybody can relate to, but the temperatures that will descend – pun intended – upon us in the coming weeks is something that will affect us all. And for this reason, even if it means balancing the paradox by bringing up various abortion legislations at the Christmas table, I will speak out.
My anxiety toward the coming chill is well-founded. Firstly, I was born and spent my childhood in Africa. Thus, my blood starts to form icicles the moment the temperature drops below 15 degrees. Secondly, I spent my teenage years in Manitoba, which, if you don’t know, is where the White Witch of the North goes to cool down. It’s a place where you do not open your mouth for the fear that your saliva will freeze instantly rendering you unable to eat for the day. It’s a place that is already under a metre of snow, unlike breezy Montreal.
Not for long though, chaps. The cold is coming. And for too long have we curled into the fetal position and watched winter control our lives five months of the year. Did you know that nine out of every ten Canadians who felt unpleasantly cold in the last year said they felt it was due to the weather? These statistics speak for themselves: temperatures below zero are damaging our society. For once we need to unite, analyze our foe, and attack head on. I propose a carefully constructed three-step master plan.
1) Awareness is key. We’ll print loads of pamphlets explaining the dangers and unpleasantness of winter and reasons to avoid it, and we’ll get Montreal’s best pamphlet hand-outers to spread the word at the Roddick and Milton gates.
2) We outline our plan, which is centred around the necessity of staying in doors at all times where milk and fresh cookies are served by the McGill administration 24/7.
Any classes that require a student to leave a building and physically enter into what shall from now on be referred to as The Unpleasantness Of Winter add to the general unpleasantness of a student’s well-being that is unnecessary to their education.
If these three simple steps are carried out, I foresee the coziest of winters ahead. A winter where McGill students can finally wake up without pulling 17 layers over their heads. A winter decorated by laughter and hot chocolate. A winter that will stand as the very definition of “pleasant.”
Send your frozen saliva to firstname.lastname@example.org.