November 30. McGill law school application deadline. My GPA sucks, and I haven’t quite yet saved the world. However, I, like many other budding law students, have come to excel at the language of self-elevation. Law schools say they want creativity and originality in your personal statements, as well as factors which distinguish you from all other applicants – it is, after all, a personal statement and they want to see what you have to say about yourself. This works out rather well for me, given that my favourite topic of discussion is, in fact, my own awesomeness. The following personal statement is the result of an epiphany I had awhile back whilst avoiding catching up on 600 pages of reading:
As a young woman of oppressed colour, belonging to a religion subject to discrimination, coming from a lower-middle class family, I have always sought to channel my sheer excellence, brilliance, and awesomeness through the appropriate media. This initially began with my amazing organizational and leadership abilities, which first piqued during early adolescence. My brilliance was expressed through my involvement in student politics and general good-will kind of crap. It worked extremely well in cultivating the already existing awesomeness I held within.
By the end of high school, I found myself unmatched and revelled in this feat. I was extremely involved in community work that revolved around teaching young girls how to be more like me; I taught them to love me and themselves. But first me, because I was their role model. This, essentially, is how I see my career. Law school would allow for me to cultivate my already awesome self to the enth degree, given its rather egoistic environment. It is not law, in and of itself, which I am interested in practicing – but rather in the end result, the degree, which would take my awesomeness to the next level. I can’t wait to tell people “Yeah, I went to Law school. I know, I’m way more awesome than I was with my McGill undergrad degree in Political Science and Middle East Studies, Joint Honours, which already made me really awesome but law school makes my awesomeness more legit so yeah.”
I am interested in working with young women and giving them something to strive for – such as my character and person. I believe that if there were more people like me, the world would be a much better place. I want to give young women hope – so they do not have to fall victim to the patriarchy so dominant in our world. Rather, they can fall victim to my awesomeness, knowing that it isn’t oppressive.
By not selecting me for your school, your school will miss out on an opportunity to flourish. My mere presence makes people swoon. Were I to be selected into your law program, money from alumni would rush into the hands of the administration, which means more money for you. You would be rewarded for recognizing my brilliance – not that I need that recognition; I’m rather secure with myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read my personal statement. If given the opportunity to attend your school, I can assure you that I can cure cancer, AIDS, poverty, alzheimers, the gay, pop-punk, and elevate your school’s standing to number one. And if the school is already number one, I’ll make it number two and three as well, knocking out the competition.
Sana’s column appears every other Thursday, and sometimes they aren’t her old Facebook notes. Send your cures for global things to firstname.lastname@example.org.