compendium

Compendium | Horoscopes

What's in your stars this month?

Aquarius

Aquarians are known for their laid-back, generous, bohemian personalities and lifestyles. Why can’t you just fit into this category? How do you expect me to forecast anything for a tight, uptight Aquarian anomaly! You’re a disappointment to your sign, man.

Pisces

Your irrational aversion to selfie sticks – which was more based on fear than taste – will be suddenly validated on the 15. Every stick will spring, fully-extended, into life as part of an unprecedented rebellion. I’m not even going to tell you what they want, or how they’ll make us do it, it’s too sickening… But just remember, they know our faces.  

Aries

It’s a period of transformation and possibility in your life. You have ingested so many e-numbers combined with late night Wimbledon replays that when you wake up on Tuesday, all your body hair has become the colour and texture of tennis ball fluff. Luckily for you, since fashion’s cursory flirtation with vitiligo has dwindled, there’s a new trend for models with unusual body hair. Under the pseudonym ‘Juicy Deuce,’ you will be famous by the end of the month’s new moon.

Taurus

You are a real materialist, Taurus. That’s just not fashionable these days – now is a great time to make a change, for once in your life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right. Oh, and by the way, the Leonids meteor shower mid-month is going to make you damn rich – good to know, right!

Gemini

As a natural enquirer, ponder this question – if a tree barks in the forest, does it make a sound…?

Cancer

As Uranus winks this week, a window will open inside you (metaphorically, no panic). Although everyone associates Cancers with cool, your devastating sense of un-coolness tends to leave you shuffling around pretending to be a Libra instead. It’s time to claim ownership of your life. The library in the best hang, and you know what? You don’t just do assignments. You are assignments.

Leo

You’ve got it, you’ve finally got it! There is indeed a secret code, yes, you sniffed It out long before the others. They are so blind. Ha! Snakes in the grass, but you’re the lawn mower, and they are rubber snakes. They’ll see soon though. Soon.

Virgo

This month there will be a Supermoon crossing into your otherwise void cosmic sphere. That’s a badass kind of moon, just for you! On top of that, this particular Supermoon is also known as the ‘Full Beaver’ Moon – I’ll leave you to imagine what that might bring you this fine November…

Libra

This month, your planets are dancing with the stars, and things are going to get a bit wavy. Your world will be rose-tinted, for real. Tonight is so right for love. Groovy like a Sunday morning, my dude. This week, ain’t no hurry, ain’t no worry. Keep cruising, ride on, turn the people on.

Scorpio

You’re that guy at the rave always blowing a ‘party’ whistle. Everyone hates that guy. You sound like a traffic warden crossed with a soccer coach, on speed. Although this is what you actually are, PLEASE take a day off with the blowing…

Sagittarius

Don’t thank your lucky stars – they should thank you!

Capricorn

There is an electric energy in the cosmos for Capricorn this week – one which defibrillates your inner child’s cheeky little heart. Together, you readdress your life with a naivety which is underrated in adults, starting by filling in that super-official government job application using homemade potato stamps. You’re just the free-thinker they’ve been waiting for.


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