Compendium | A curse cast on SHMU

Leaders missing, words from dark presence

The Student Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU) is in crisis. Its staff and executive members have started to disappear, leaving behind nothing but hastily scribbled notes that say, “because reasons.”

So far, two people seem to have disappeared: SHMU VP Partyperson Lolzy Gerard Lee, who became a SHMUrsonality during last year’s slightly uneventful elections, and SHMU Overlord Jenn Drakonia, who hails from the Lost Kingdom of R’lyeh, resting place of Cthulhu, the Dark One Who Sleeps.

Student associations across campus have been holding emergency council meetings, general assemblies, public fora, town halls, and weeks of action in order to address the issue of these missing SHMUrsonalities.

At an October 13 public forum organized by the McGall Committee Regarding Emergency Exigencies and Policy Solutions (McCREEPS), students discussed the possibility that arcane and eldritch elements were at play.

Speaking to his fellow student citizens, Howard P. Lovecraft, the recently elected president of McGill Students for the Furthering of Eldritch Studies (SFES), recalled concerns from his constituents. “There were tales of the strange clawprints seen around the Shtaneer building’s windows in the morning, and of occasional disappearances in regions outside the obviously haunted areas.”

Lovecraft ominously continued, “As to what the things that caused these clawprints were – explanations naturally varied. The common name applied to them was ‘those ones,’ or the ‘old ones,’ though other terms had a local and transient use.”

“The Chamber of Secrets is not even here at McGall. And besides, there’s no way the Ministry would allow magical happenings at this Muggle institute.”

Just when Lovecraft finished his sentence, a cold laughter was heard, extinguishing the flames in the fireplace, the only source of light in the public forum meeting room (which was decorated with impeccable taste in a Burtonesque late-Victorian style).

After some stumbling, forum attendees realized that the room was actually equipped with fluorescent lighting. Once a particularly resourceful student had turned on the lights, forum attendees were shocked to see that a terrible message was written on the walls with red paint: “The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Dark One, beware!”

“That’s nonsense,” exclaimed Hermione Watson, an exchange student from Scotland or England or something. “The Chamber of Secrets is not even here at McGall. And besides, there’s no way the Ministry would allow magical happenings at this Muggle institute.”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” exclaimed one student, with hands coincidentally covered in some red paint, who wished to remain anonymous.

“The point is that SHMU is cursed, clearly. Those who have ignored the word of the Dark One, who spoke through the Neutral One, who preaches objectivity and political neutrality – now you shall face their wrath,” the anonymous student who was caught red-handed later explained to The Weekly.

At an October 14 general assembly (GA) organized by McGall Students for General Assemblies and Annual General Meetings (SGAAGM), student attendees expressed worry that the decreasing number of SHMUrsonalities would result in a lack of direct democracy for students.

“I don’t care if the Dark One is on a rampage of revenge against SHMUrsonalities. The fact that it’s acting without student input is completely unacceptable.”

SGAAGM Mobilizer of Students Gream Rippster expressed her absolute discontent with the fact that the SHMUrsonalities would suddenly disappear without first consulting the student body through, at the very least, an online survey shared widely on Facebook.

“I don’t care if the Dark One is on a rampage of revenge against SHMUrsonalities. The fact that it’s acting without student input is completely unacceptable,” Rippert said at the SGAAGM GA.

“You wouldn’t see our beloved administration doing this – McGall admins care about student input, they listen to everything we say, they never shut down our conversations, they never appoint people to important positions regarding student life without first consulting with students, they never hide what student services money is being spent on, and they always listen to student petitions about climate justice and respond in a timely fashion,” Rippert continued.

“None of that’s true, though,” interjected Deputy Provost (Student Gripes and Weed) Sir Lolliver Sandwichheart, who was present at the GA to crack down on unauthorized snacks.

Speaking to The Weekly after the GA, U1 Divination and Necromancy student Segué Placetenant said that the disappearance of the two SHMUrsonalities is just the beginning.

“Night falls and soon SHMU shall know the price of defying the Neutral One, heir of the the Dark One Who Sleeps. The spirits from the past shall rise to aid the Neutral One, of the bicycle and the summer beard. As one Tory falls, another must rise,” Placetenant said in an eerie monotone voice.

The night of The Weekly’s prophetic interview with Placetenant, a most curious natural event occurred. The stars in the night sky started to move and to realign themselves. As thousands of students flocked to Lower Field, the hidden pattern of the stars slowly became clearer.

In the end, they spelt out, “Lexus Centrikov cometh!”

Abraham Kream, first of his name, the King of SHMU, Lord of the Twelve Faculties, Protector of Social Justice, Lord Paramount of Arts, Eternal Sovereign of la Nouvelle Residence, the Advisor on Matters of Social Responsibility, and Interim Carer of the SHMU babies stepped to the front of the crowd of students and said, “Let them come! SHMU has repelled countless terrors: evil leases, treacherous student newspapers, Judicial Board cases.”

He continued, “SHMU shall not fall and I shall find my lost SHMUrsonalities, wherever they may be. With the help of my Small Council, we will withstand these troublesome times. I dare anyone to defy our collective will, which speaks through me!”

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