Having trouble getting yourself to focus? Can’t write your paper, as you’re too distracted by an intractable feeling of dread concerning your future? Here are a few tips for anxiety management from one of our most illustrious experts!
1. Plan a vacation to Iceland. Everyone should go at some point, right? Cost is no object, because you’ll probably never be able to pay for it, you’re just planning the trip to kill time until you go take that test you’re gonna bomb anyway!
2. Consider learning to hotwire a Toyota, so you can steal one and drive to Mexico where your family can never find you and ask when you are graduating!
3. Lounge on your sofa and practice your Bond villain voice. University is your supervillain origin story anyway, best be prepared for the requisite theatrics!
4. Try shrooms! You’ve been meaning to since high school, and I know a guy who can get them for cheap. Come on, it’ll take the edge off!
5. Tweet at that cute guy you met in October of first year, who you really wanted to hook up with but never managed to, and haven’t seen in like two years. He’ll be thrilled to hear from you!