Since it was announced that I would become the Principal and Vice-Baroness of McGall University, people from across time and space have sent me their words of welcome and warm wishes. This, more than anything else, speaks to McGall’s noble history and dazzling accomplishments, built from the sweet, salty tears of hundreds of thousands of unsuspecting people.
As my first order of business, I have signed an executive order which authorizes McGall Security and its proxy paramilitary force to use “all necessary and appropriate force” against anyone suspected or unsuspected of utilizing a human-powered, pedal-driven, single-track vehicle on our fine campus.
Since biking increases your heart and respiration rate, cyclists actually exhale more CO2 emissions than pedestrians and motorists combined. Like all public institutions, McGall must do its part to fight global warming by reducing the amount of CO2 on campus. With this new eco-conscious measure, our university will become the first bike-free institution of higher learning by the year 2015, and finally, joy-free by the year 2035.
At McGall, we believe education should be a long, gruelling process of disillusionment that leaves you with a sense of profound existential dread – preferably, somewhere between the right and left ventricle of your heart.
If you have any suggestions, feel free to write them down on a piece of paper and set it on fire.
—Suzie “McLavish” Forte
Principal and Vice-Baroness of McGall University