Detective novels
Publisher: I am enjoying cocaine, because it is the 1980s.
Editor: I too, am enjoying much cocaine.
Author: I always said seven books a year was the lucky number. Cocaine is the best.
Reader: I feel an attachment to this character and must continue to follow his always-surprising endeavours in the next installment. Also, emotions are hard.
Science fiction books
P: Should I just tell the author to write the screenplay first?
E: Well, fuck you too, spellcheck.
A: I hope the pro-environment message isn’t too subtle. Maybe I should set it in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, just to be sure.
R: Mom, can I have this one please?
Modernist poetry
P: Can we at least make it look like Lord of the Rings?
A: The substantive breaks with stylistic convention will secure my fortune and happiness.
R: And to think, he finished it only days before his death in poverty and obscurity.
Shakespeare
P: And you’re saying the publishing rights are free?
E: So many folios, so little time.
A: Actually, I am more than one person.
R: Should I put this on the coffee table, or next to it?
Contemporary literature
P: I’m so alone.
E: Success in this internship will help kick-start my career in publishing.
R: Oh, I thought it was Fifty Shades. Nevermind. And it didn’t win a Booker?
Alt-lit
P: I am also the editor.
E: I am also the author.
A: I am also the reader
R: I am also the publisher.
Diet books
P: I feel no compassion for human life, and never will.
E: Is this immoral?
A: Maybe I did a bad thing.
R: Now society will accept me!
Canadian literature
P: Have we run out of stock nature photos yet?
E: Is it too much to ask for a lead character?
A: My novel will finally define for all time the “garrison mentality.”
R: Since the election of the Harper government, I have a newfound desire to discover this country’s nationalist traditions.
Erotic fiction
P: $$$
E: Would a comma add to, or detract from, this erection?
A: I enjoy writing while my kids are at school.
R: By reading this in a public place, I am showing the world how comfortable I am with sexuality.
Dickens novels
P: Shall I leave the end off?
E: I’m just going to pretend I got to the end.
A: And they pay me by the word!
R: I chose to focus on the first chapter in my book report, Mrs. Sanders.
Self-help books
P: <3 capitalism 4 lyf.
E: So many sentences in the imperative…
R: Oh. He has a PhD. That means that this is the one I can trust and so will buy.
Recipe books
E: Did he mean tablespoon or teaspoon?
A: You put the onions in the pan, and the money comes out.
R: The claims about preparation time mean these recipes will fit into my daily schedule with ease.
Textbooks
P: Do you think they’re ever going to do anything about this?
A: Shall I change the units or the examples this time?
R: “Charlie, I found it. It was under the keg.”
Kama Sutra
P: Should we put this in the ‘world’ section?
E: Is the illustration upside down?
A: I am extremely fulfilled, like, in every single way you would expect.
R: Where is the nearest yoga gym? I hurt.
Financial guides
P: I don’t need this. I will never need this. People will always pay for books.
E: I don’t need this. I have a BA.
A: Soon, I shall be king.
R: Where did I leave my piggy-bank?
The For Dummies books
P: Can we do a Dummies for Dummies?
A: We need air. Send help.
R: Adderall is easier.
Academic journals
P: We should do this again.
E: He didn’t cite me. Rejected.
A: Only five more till tenure.
R: Thanks for your submission to the Journal of Studies. We have passed your article on to be peer-reviewed.
Liberal political theory books
P: That was boring.
E: The white male author of this book has clearly never felt love in his life.
A: Why won’t everyone listen to me?
R: I wish everyone listened to me like they listen to this man.
Scientific data collections
P: Did you run it by EXXON first?
E: It looks like it’s true. But it also looks like a lie.
A: Punk gave us all unrealistic expectations when it comes to authenticity.
R: Oh. That’s handy. My car actually reduces the effects of climate change.
The Harry Potter books
P: And she’s 100 per cent sure she’s done, is she?
E: Boom. Fucking. City. Life is so good.
A: Should I tell them about Harry’s real father?
R: I can’t wait to get my letter from Hogwarts!