October 20, 2014

Compendium! | November 12, 2012
Anarcho-syndicalist Dean clamps down on unions
Kostapolice’s ascent of career ladder described as “ruthless”
Written by | Visual by Balls to the Wall

Andres Kostapolice, the new Dean of Students at the Royal Institute for the Propagation of Bourgeois Science, has told campus unions MUNACA and SSMU they must refrain from all political agitation in the future.

The move is Kostapolice’s first since Campus Communist rag The McGill Daily announced his promotion last Thursday.

Kostapolice, a famed grassroots organizer who goes by his initials AK (“because I’m like a bullet to the system”), announced the clampdown at a press-conference on Friday.

“As an anarcho-syndicalist, it is my responsibility to ensure workers are remunerated at a fair and non-exploitative rate – which is the market rate,” said Kostapolice. “We are already situated within the collapse of civilization. It is within this reality that we must choose sides, and I think workers need to realize that they’re being a tad too demanding.”

Kostapolice was quick to point out that “the market always clears,” and that, therefore, he needed to not pay people as much.

“Like the society to which it has played the faithful servant, the University is bankrupt. This bankruptcy is not only financial, but it is also financial,” said Kostapolice. “Very financial indeed.”

Some have remarked at the swiftness of Kostapolice’s ascendency to the position of Dean. Local Autonomist and Principal of the Royal Institute, Heatha Mama Boom, said Kostapolice’s rapid rise was due to his “blood-curdling ruthlessness.”

“He’s a person you just cannot trust at all,” said HMB. “So he seemed like the perfect fit for the role of Dean.”

“I want you to remember that divine violence, which is the sign and seal but never the means of sacred execution, may be called sovereign violence,” said HMB. “I am the sovereign of this campus, and I was very, very impressed with his backstabbing suppression of democratic revolt in Seattle a few years ago.”

“These days, not only Cultural Studies in particular, but the whole of the liberal humanities in general, are engaged in the suppression of social revolt, and I wanted Kostapolice to be a part of that,” said HMB.

The global economy has basically tanked; the gleaming techno-future of American capitalism was long ago packed up and sold to China for a few more years of borrowed junk. A university diploma is now worth no more than a share in General Motors. As a result, administrators are under pressure to make something they do worth something to someone soon, and Kostpolice was hired with a view to squeezing a few more pennies from the vulnerable before utter collapse devastates everything.

Understandably, therefore, Kostapolice remained defensive when asked about his grassroots activism, and was quick to affirm that while he remained an anarchist, he would propagate only “anarchism without adjectives, otherwise known as the rules.”

“The idea that there is something called ‘the market’ is not so very different from my understanding of anarchism,” said Kostapolice. “Economists will often admit this, if you ask them in the right way. Markets aren’t real. They are mathematical models, created by imagining a self-contained world where everyone has exactly the same motivation and the same knowledge and is engaging in the same self-interested calculating exchange. I see my anarchism as basically the same thing.”

“I believe that people who have lost the habit of striking for themselves as individuals, who have submitted to every injustice while waiting for the majority to grow, are going to become metamorphosed into human high-explosives by a process of packing,” said Kostapolice. “Therefore, I will pack them all together very tightly by taking all of their money and stripping them of their right to collective bargaining. That will start the revolution.”

When asked by The Twice-a-Weekly how the increasing strength and depth of capitalist crises affected his understanding of anarchism, Kostapolice retreated into the hulk of the James Administration building, repeatedly muttering “Say’s law, Say’s law,” to himself.

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