In a full disclosure, Forte explained in an email that she had hacked his account because she wanted to stalk the pictures of him that he had hidden from his profile.

“I never wanted any of this brouhaha, or to ruin what was a lovely and cordial SHMU election,” said Forte, “but he’s such a #hottie.”

Asked by The Weekly what she found attractive about Kang, Forte stated she had a particular fondness for his “amusing forays into wild exaggeration,” as well as his “pert buttocks.”

Kang retracted his criminal charge against SHMU President-elect, Cream Overhim, after hearing of Forte’s admission.

“I’m in shock,” said Kang. “The only reason I ran for president last year was for the chance to occasionally sit at the same table as Forte.”

Kang said he “wasn’t quite sure how to proceed,” and asked Weekly reporter Dan A. Ray to look over a text he was about to send to check it wasn’t “too needy.”

Weekly journalists comforted a distressed Kang, who, after sending his text message, fretted that it had been “read” but not responded to.

“Heeyyy sorry, sorry, bin rly busy with this McGall Principal shit, Bitumens was being a pain again – wanna hang soon do?” responded Forte.

Kang and Forte were later overheard, in campus favourite Bar des Pins, awkwardly switching between conversation topics a little bit too quickly.

Elections SHMU estimates the success of the relationship at 50 per cent.

“Some of our analysts think it’s sweet, but others think Kang will harp on about SHMU conspiracies too much, jeopardizing the relationship,” said a source, who wished to remain anonymous.

The post Kang’s Facebook hacked by Forte, Weekly learns appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The Weekly learned how Centrikov had chosen to interpret the theme of imbecility, hoping to be the first person since Plato to reveal to humankind the true form of an abstract concept.

“This is a really exciting opportunity for me to make my art, and perhaps immortalize myself as a visionary of human cultural expression,” explained an earnest Centrikov.

“Personally, I felt imbecility suited my personality best, so I’ve been trying to embody that in this campaign,” he continued.

Centrikov was keen to stress that his art was collaborative, and urged campus culture critics to remember the important role played by Conservative McGall, an artistic collective cunningly disguised as a political organization.

“Despite a breadth of experience to draw on in terms of overwhelming imbecility, I really have to credit my friend, FlowerByKenzo Quibbler, whose experience definitely rivals mine,” gushed Centrikov.

This claim has a familiar ring to campus gossip enthusiasts, who have long amused Facebook users with witty retorts to Centrikov’s status updates. The widespread conception is that Quibbler is in fact the puppetmaster.

The Weekly asked Quibbler to respond to the puppetmaster accusations; however, he declined to comment. By sheer luck, Weekly journalist Dan A. Ray came across Quibbler on his way home, reporting that he was easy to recognize because of his “extraordinarily massive head.” When accosted in person, however, Quibbler grabbed a broomstick and flew cackling into the moonlight.

In an interview with The Weekly, Centrikov refused to comment on whether Quibbler was the true artistic visionary.

“You dare accuse me of being Mini-Me to his Doctor Evil?” demanded an outraged Centrikov. “Just because we are spawned from the same demon and fight each other’s Facebook battles doesn’t mean we’re the same person.”

“This is art at its most sublime, and you’re asking the wrong questions,” he told The Weekly.

When asked in what precise ways his SHMU electoral campaign was a perfect artistic interpretation of the theme of imbecility, Centrikov could hardly stop talking.

“Well obviously, first comes my electoral platform,” he said. “You see, over the past few years I have carefully constructed a reputation for myself as a defender of patriarchal values. And really in this regard I was extremely successful,” he said while referring to his history of vocal criticism of efforts dismantle institutional prejudice.

His electoral campaign, however, features an attempt to jump on the bandwagon and claim ownership of the very efforts he has been fighting for years. Centrikov explained that the true genius of his art was not this dramatic about-face, but rather that he had convinced the student body that was serious in the first place.

“It’s actually quite a subtle distinction,” he explained. “Of course it’s totally preposterous that students take me seriously given this carefully constructed record – yet I’ve done it! People think I’m serious. Really, it’s quite exquisite. People are taking my imbecility for granted, precisely as I planned.”

The Weekly also observed Centrikov participate in a protest at SHNAX, in support yummy sandwiches for all. He was seen mingling awkwardly with a group he had also spent years disparaging, giving off a strong impression of being totally out of his depth. According to Centrikov, his awkward attempt at integration was “all deliberate.”

Asked what his final creative act would be, Centrikov advised The Weekly to pay close attention to the “Let’s SHMUsterbate Together” event.

“I’ve developed strong artistic links with the reddit community in anticipation of the piece de resistance of my artistic odyssey,” Centrikov explained. “One user in particular, a certain mcgill_circle_jerk, has been particularly useful in prepping for the SHMUsterbate.”

“I’m confident that in this particular race, I will definitely come first, and fastest,” he declared.

Events took a turn for the strange during the interview, however, when a man bearing a striking resemblance to Centrikov, barged in on the interview wearing a banana suit.

“I’ve come to from the future!” cried the intruder. “It is I, Centrikov. I’m here to warn you that your hopes at artistry are a dream.”
“What you’re doing isn’t art, it’s satire, the lowest form of artistic expression. Stop, or your reputation will be ruined. Don’t turn into me. I work nights in a banana stand.”

“I was told there was always good money in it, but that just wasn’t true,” continued Centrikov-from-the-future.

Present-Centrikov despaired, but agreed with his future self he wouldn’t risk his promising career in investment banking in pursuit of artistic glory.

“It will be most difficult to give up on the SHMUsterbate,” sobbed Centrikov. “I was so excited.”

The post Portrait of an artist appeared first on The McGill Daily.

“You know, I never gave any serious thought to this anti-o shit until now,” said Whitey McCracker, a U1 Patriarchy Administration student in an interview with The Weekly. “This is a chance for me to intrude on something that doesn’t involve me, and to put my degree to practice. So I think it’s great!”
Although Queer McGall’s event excited a strange joy in students of Patriarchy Administration, others were genuinely insulted. A group of self-satisfied students, dressed in suits in an awkward attempt at showing authority, convened a closed meeting to discuss resistance tactics.

“This is actually quite a tricky situation,” explained Pomp N’sercumsdance, a Brain Thinky Science student and anti-reverse racism activist, after the meeting. “This attack is an example of unacceptable and oppressive exclusion — but we can’t pass a motion to postpone indefinitely this time. No… this requires a new type of witchcraft.”

“Rest assured we’re taking decisive action to reassert our position,” he continued in an annoyingly conspiratorial tone.

Quickly afterward, The Weekly interviewer decided they had had enough of N’sercumsdance’s sensationalist bullshit and bribed him with candy stolen from the SHMU nursery in order to reveal his secrets. N’sercumsdance went on to reveal that anti-reverse racism activists were pooling resources to summon the ancient order of the Whites Templar, historically tasked with protecting crusaders from reverse racism in Holy Land.

“Wow. Much interesting development,” commented Professor Doge Sanscomic, who reads popular histories when lonely. “So history. So protection from reverse racism. Much excite,” they continued.

The Whites Templar mysteriously disappeared from Palestine during the 13th century, though rumours persisted for centuries that they had gone underground in order to hide the precious Ark of the Covenant from queer people of colour. The shock reemergence of the medieval order on January 30 thus caused a stir; dozens of heavily armoured Whites Templar rode up McTavish, chanting their battle cry: “protect the silent majority.”

Huddled in fear, it transpired that the ‘silent majority’ who had turned out to greet the knights turned were actually an angry gaggle of around ten bros. Manic but inspired cries for help went up as they rushed down the steps of the Shtaneer building, like lost sheep joining the flock.

Sir Robert de Douche, noted leader of the Whites Templar, stepped from his horse and addressed the assembled bros. “Never fear, good carriers of the flame. We will reckon with the queer people of colour, who coveteth not your excellent presence.”

“Too long have righteous brethren wallowed in fear of the QTPOC. Too often have brethren been cast aside. Resist, brethren, lest you be banished from all of Rad Sex Week merriment.”

“The fuck bro? Wanna speak English or something?” demanded N’sercumsdance. “You’re in Quebec! This is an English-speaking country!”

Weekly journalists witnessed members of the resistance group as they became increasingly agitated, torn between their hatred for exclusion in general, and their love for exclusion of immigrants. The logical impossibility of the competing positions was such that it created a rift in the fabric of space-time in front of the Shtaneer building. The Whites Templar and the reverse racism resistance group were sucked in.

“Wow. Much divide by zero,” commented Sanscomic after witnessing the event.

The post Whites Templar ride to the rescue appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Students’ Facebook accounts were flooded with demonstrations of centrists’ newfound self-confidence the night of November 11. The Weekly interviewed Facebook debate participants who were enthusiastic about the forum as a means to promote discussion.

“It was so empowering,” said Glen Reject, a U3 Management of the Class War student. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t have the confidence to voice my opinions in person. Online though, I can swear and belittle as much as I like! This is one of the truly liberating interpretations of freedom of speech.”

“It’s great because I get to match silent awareness-raising with pure spite!” he continued.

De-de-demilitarize McGall refused to stoop to the level of the radical conformists however, only to cause further anger, prompting a slew of ill-informed tirades in the campus press. According to insider sources at De-de-demilitarize McGall, the name change serves the purpose of detoxifying their “brand identity” among the student body.

“We were actually really concerned when people started insulting us online and in the press,” said an activist who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s upsetting because we really aim to reach out to reactionary students – they’re the ones we care about the most. Unrequited love is just the worst.”

The squabble reached a new peak with the creation of an anti-De-de-demilitarize McGall Facebook page, Militarize McGall, which appeared after the Remembrance Day action. Initially, McGall internet message boards circulated the rumour that this was a false-flag operation by anti-military activists on campus, designed to humiliate jingos by wildly exaggerating their claims. Weekly investigative journalists were able to trace the IP address back to a source located within James Defenestration.

“This confirms our worst fears,” said Kook Swain, a U0 Brain Thinky Science student. “The University is engaging in a propaganda campaign to recruit students for its long-planned military attack on the University of Tdot.”

“I work in the McGall Laboratory for the Perpetuation of Marginalization via Death and Destruction (MLPMDD), and I kept coming across plans for a massive, globular death-ray weapon,” they continued. “It seems strange, but at the time I just went along with what everyone else was doing.”

Swain told The Weekly, with some remorse, that MLPMDD workers would chant like medieval monks while working. “The refrain was always the same: ‘Tdot, Tdot, Tdot. Death, death, death,’” they said.

Subject to The Weekly’s discovery, De-de-demilitarize McGall has been able to make sense of its latest access to information request. “They’re building a Death Star. They are coming. Run. Hide,” the group told The Weekly in a concise email.

Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens, and Bane of Students, Andray Bigbadboss, were surprisingly frank when contacted for clarification.

“We’re sick and tired of this rankings bullshit,” said Bitumens. “The time has come to bring this rivalry the next level and crush them [University of Tdot] once and for all.”

“Only one small group of rebels stand in our way,” he continued, referring to De-de-demilitarize McGall.

“Where is the rebel base?” demanded Bigbadboss of Weekly reporters. “All this fuss about spending! Students should glory in the magnificent wealth spent on our new weaponry.”

McGall later sent out a press release confirming their propaganda campaign for the war effort, with Principal Suzie Forte due to authorize the mobilization of the Death Star later this week. In the interest of impartiality, The Weekly declined to point out that their whole project is vulnerable to a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-person starship. De-de-demilitarize McGall has relocated and begun organizing on a small forest moon.

The post De-de-demilitarize causes stir appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Disgruntled and socially exiled McGall nerds were behind the revelation; a group of them hacked a University email account and discovered a folder containing correspondence between the administration and political top brass. Most emails contained detailed documents advising academics on how to degrade students.

Examples included such instructions as: “peer at students over your glasses,” “ignore students’ questions; use passive aggression,” “set presentations that are designed to humiliate the presenter,” and “engineer overly-large classes so that students feel like cattle.”

In the interests of readers’ peace of mind, The Weekly has held back publication of some of the most shocking recommendations. However, campus activists consider making students’ families pay tuition the most humiliating measure.

“No matter what you do it’s wrong,” said Keener O’Dowde, a U3 Social Interaction Tips Student and former straight-A high school pupil. “You do your work, get your shitty C+, receive no advice, and then get thinly-veiled abuse from your prof, TA, and classmates. Then I have to turn around and pretend to my family that everything’s fine?”

The Weekly interviewed Crackers Burge, a Masters Comical Science student and disgruntled nerd, to speak to the revelation. “What we’ve figured out is that this began post-student strike. Political elements decided that students needed to be tranquilized back into stupidity – they were frightened of exposure.”

“What’s most worrying is that some students seem to have been co-opted,” he continued. “It’s those slimy student Liberal Party members who strut around with their suits and pompous smiles and condescending conversation. These people have been bred to make you feel bad about yourself,” he continued. “God-awful class traitors!”

McGall has reacted with characteristic apathy; Liberal McGall, the university’s Liberal student society, released a statement calling on the need for more “neutrality and rational discussion.” However No Justice Without Justice For Nerds (NJWJN), a student group aiming to collect all academic-minded students under one roof, has decided to raise awareness of the issue.

Some of NJWJN’s activism has raised eyebrows, however. The group has accused student politicians, professors, and administrative staff of belonging to an alien reptilian race.

“David Ickes was right. Just so, so right. The proof is in their eyes: their cold, emotionless, reptilian eyes,” chirped Nerd-In-Chief, Satchel Gramme, referring to the glaze of hopeless exasperation commonly found among bureaucrats.

“It’s all a trick. They put on their human shells everyday, but their alien technology isn’t sufficiently advanced to capture the beauty of the human eye.”

An anonymous administration insider contacted The Weekly to clear up some of the confusion. “In a way, this reptile shit is playing really well for us. We’re obviously not reptiles,” he said.

“We are engaged in psychological and economic warfare though,” he chuckled. “Governments crush the working people while the middle class sits smugly because they think they’re exempt. Our genius is in making them think that, while enslaving their puny minds when they come to study with us.”

The post University is a sham appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The Weekly contacted the McGall environmental researchers for comment; however, all bar one were busy burrowing deep beneath the Macdonald-Stewart building in an effort to found an underground stronghold. The only researcher who could be reached for comment was visibly distraught.

“Wow. So environmental destruction,” said Professor Doge Sanscomic, an Environmental Collective Murder academic. “Such sad. So fear.”

At press time, splits between McGall’s research community and the administration were evident. A point of particular contention is the Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens’ pro-crude oil marketing campaign, which has been underway since the beginning of the semester. Across campus, students have been invited to sample a “cup o’ crude” in lieu of their morning coffee. Another initiative, “crude-for-food,” has seen McGall pay for student services using only its profits from fossil fuel investments, though has received widespread outrage, as well as condemnation from the United Nations.

“I tried a cup [of crude] before a conference once. It tasted like natural-habitat-death, with just a hint of Alberta,” Bryan McBlob, a U0 Farts student, told The Weekly. “Pretty gross to be honest. Both taste-wise and moral-wise. Definitely why I decided to join Divest and Destroy,” he continued, referring to the anti-fossil fuel campus activist group, Divest and Destroy McGill.

“I don’t know what everyone is grumbling about,” Bitumens told The Weekly in an email. “For a start, we’re raking in those dolla’. Plus, we’re all going to have to accept this is the life we’re all going to be leading soon. Better get used it.”

“I mean, when there’s no water to drink – are people going to complain about drinking crude oil then? I don’t think so,” he added.

Campus tension reached such a point that McGall principal, Suzie Forte, decided to weigh in on the debate on November 6. Addressing an angry mob that had congregated outside her balcony at the Administration Palace, the principal remained recalcitrant.

“Now I become Death, the destroyer of worlds,” she announced, eyes agleam and arms outstretched. “All shall love me and despair!” she cried, before retiring to her throne room.

Students participating in the angry mob were reportedly at a loss for words, and pressed the administration for clarification. Some claimed they heard snatches of conversations outside the palace referring to a “new world order.” None of the senior administration could be reached for comment after November 6. All have been hospitalized for an extremely rare condition in which the iris and pupil morph into dollar signs. The Weekly wishes those affected a speedy recovery.

The post Administration power drunk and oil-crazed appeared first on The McGill Daily.

After hours of waiting, hundreds of students crowded the Shtaneer building, frothing at the bit to debate minor points of policy. Paramedics were called to attend to several undergraduate students overcome with overpowering waves of emotion upon hearing the good word of Robert’s Rules or Order.

“Have you read the Robert’s Rules book?”

Motion to be a little kind sometimes, maybe

The lion’s share of students were motivated to attend the “quorum love-in” because of one single motion – one proposing that SHMU timidly condemn a combination of open-air prisons, targeted death-from-the-sky attacks, and grinding daily humiliation and poverty for a certain national group.

However, opinion among McGall’s undergraduate student body toward the motion was mixed. “This motion is completely inappropriate,” explained Major Rand Trilby, a U2 Objective History student. “I’ve read a fair bit of history in my time, much of it objective, and I’ve learned that history belongs to the strong. How dare SHMU try to buck the trend. Crush the weak!” he exclaimed.

Many apparently failed to grasp that McGall manufactured weaponry is used to oppress the group mentioned in the motion in the university’s “Murder Innocent People” laboratory.

“I can understand one fact,” garbled Luke Reject, an undergraduate researcher at the Department of Brain Thinky Science. “But two facts! And make a causal connection?” he asked, shocked. “This is McGall, not Harvard.”

“I’ve read a fair bit of history in my time, much of it objective, and I’ve learned that history belongs to the strong. How dare SHMU try to buck the trend. Crush the weak!”

Rumours that SHMU had been strong-armed into proposing the motion by campus totalitarians also ran rampant in the days leading up to the GA – to the extent that liberty and free speech activists quickly organized to prevent a campus dictatorship.

“The idea that SHMU, which must represent me, would force us all to say that murder is wrong beggars belief,” said a disgruntled McGall student who asked to remain anonymous. “How can we hold a debate on an issue in which I’m clearly in the global minority?” the student continued. “It’s outrageous. Freedom of speech for everyone means freedom of speech for me, which logically entails freedom of speech for only me.”

One student was so struck by the prospect of left-wing totalitarian rule that he became a dedicated disciple of Robert’s Rules in the hope of communing directly with Robert himself. To the good luck of free speech activists, the student was eventually graced with Robert’s presence.

“It was tough,” the Anointed One told The Weekly, “To become a true disciple requires total dedication. It is a multifaceted task: for example, I had to train myself to speak in such a way as to make everyone before me fall asleep in stultifying boredom.”

“After a week of mental and physical trials, I communed with the Great Robert,” the Anointed One continued. “He taught me his ways – and they were good.”

When it came to debate the motion, the Anointed One stepped up to the podium and stunned the audience with the gift of his learning, the “subsidiary motion to postpone indefinitely.”

“That was Robert’s Rules: Boss Level,” Trilby told The Weekly in an email.

“That was Robert’s Rules: Boss Level,” Trilby told The Weekly in an email.

Such was the brilliance of the Anointed One, that all antagonists relented, admitting that free speech did indeed trump morals. Afterward, the debate attendees fell into a trance of adoring reverie, giving real meaning to the “quorum love-in.”

Students and SHMU executives were so ecstatic to be touched from on high that they missed a Skype call from Raul Castro and Kim Jong-Un congratulating them on their democratic practices.

The post Free speech on campus upheld! appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The event organizer, Deputy Provost for Student Gripes and Weed, Trololollivier Bitumens, spoke to The Weekly about his motivations.

“You know, colonial history isn’t all about pillage, and theft, and disease, and slavery, and genocide,” he explained. “There was also a little commercial export thrown into the mix. Sometimes, it’s nice to accentuate the positives.”

“McGall of course had its own part to play in the whole business – and we want to show the student body what a great time we had of it. Sharing is caring, after all.”

According to the promotional literature for “Let’s give thanks for colonialism”, the event was billed as something that would “at last cut the bullshit” about what Thanksgiving is really about. “We might as well give up pretending this is something it’s not.” said Blinda Hebb, a mandarin at the Office of the Deputy Provost (Student Gripes and Weed). “Let’s throw caution to the wind and celebrate like it’s 1899.”

Students attending the event were encouraged to come in fancy dress – those who turned up without a costume were handed skimpy white shorts, long socks, trilby hats, and pipes. Many were shocked by the scale of the imperial splendour at the festivities, but expressed their thanks that this was a system from which they could all benefit.

“It’s nice to know that whatever I do, colonialism, colonial history, and McGall have got my back,” said Major Rand Trilby, a U3 Objective History student and event attendee. “It’s important that we collectively give thanks for the opportunity to feel superior. I mean this has been going on for centuries and we’re still reaping the benefits – jackpot,” he added.

Undercover Weekly journalists at the event told of the undisguised debauchery in James Defenestration, with members of the administration reportedly riding around on horseback, inebriated with gin and tonic, while students enthusiastically debated which among them had the most extensive feudal land rights. The highlight of the event however was a panel discussion, with surprise guest speaker, Christopher Columbus, conjured back from the dead with the combined wizardry of McGall’s Board of Governors.

“I thought there was an Eyes Wide Shut theme going on or something like that,” said Jill Spellbinder, U2 Occult Sciences. “All these old white guys dressed in robes sort of dancing around a cauldron. Then all of a sudden this old Italian dude jumps out with a comedy grin.”

Columbus, reportedly pleased to return to the mortal realm, took questions from an inquisitive, if drunk, audience. Some students at the event were still confused about what to think of the morality of colonialism and Thanksgiving.

“There’s some confusion I know, but it’s important to bear in mind that holding inconsistent values is the key to a happy life. I’m sure Trololollivier [Bitumens] would agree,” said Columbus.

“True that – how else do you think we manage to keep the moral high ground with students while doing all our sketchy research,” quipped Bitumens.

The post Students and staff give thanks for colonialism appeared first on The McGill Daily.

After prolonged negotiations with Manfreddo’s mommy, Weekly reporter Baphomet Muscletone was allowed to approach the Dean of Farts for comment, on the condition that he “play nice.”
“Sometimes the other kids call me names and it makes me sad,” admitted Manfreddo. “Besides, my mom says I’m cool,” he added, nervously fiddling with his backwards cap.

Farts Faculty insiders weighed in, saying that Manfreddo could be “a bit touchy,” in an anonymous email to The Weekly. “He’s a humourless drone,” they continued. “We live in a constant state of fear that we’ll insult his ego with some throwaway remark. He’s hell-bent on abusing what little power he has and takes criticism pretty rough.”

Reported sightings of Manfreddo playing with the SSMU babies have long drawn comment from students at McGall. Popular opinion has now coalesced over the Dean’s motivations. “At first when I saw him clutching that leash with the little kids I thought it was some kind of publicity stunt,” said Jill Spellbinder, U2 Occult Sciences. “I guess he’s just more comfortable among his own.”

Weekly reporter Muscletone brought up the allegations in front of Manfreddo, but was rebuffed with piercing wails of “it’s not fair” and “no one understands me.”

“Don’t you worry about him,” Mommy Manfreddo told The Weekly, after the Dean had gone to bed. “He’s usually bright as a whistle after I tuck him in with his chocolate milk and read him his bedtime story.”

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