I read with relish Trevor Chinnick’s recent piece about the evolution of St. Henri from district, institution, and enclave into centre. This development is long overdue. For too long this city has been blighted by enclaves, particularly of the working class variety, and districts, especially those of the immigrant type. These are 19th or, at best, 20th century nouns, and their eradication from our town ought have been accomplished by the midnight stroke of the year 2000. As Chinnick, and every rational person, agrees, the history of enclaves (and their even less-reverberant cousins: ghettos) has been one of poverty, insularity, public interest, poorly-manicured lawns, and ancient, fading paintings. I write to express my joy that this city has finally moved away from the world of Van Gogh to the world of Banksy. May all our paint be wet for years to come.

I note with greater, onion-flavoured relish, that not only is the area now a bona-fide centre, but that other, more avant-garde nouns have found a welcoming home underneath the “majestic bank and impressive fire hall” of St. Henri. The introduction of a “woonerf” is sure to be the final nail in the coffin of the decrepit death “streets” that have lain prostrate on our great city’s floor for far too long. Kill the death streets.

But the price of culture is eternal vigilance: evidence suggests some relics of St. Henri’s enclave-past linger on into the centre-present. Some culture-less enclave-dwellers tread the hallowed woonerfs. These remnant-beings are detrimental to cachet. We must improve cachet. So the striving to escape must continue: the working-class roots of death will only expire when all have been cut. Slice the roots of death. The trees of wet paint must flourish.

I, for one, look forward to the day when all enclaves have been disbanded, all districts closed. Perhaps then all our centres will be vibrant; all our fire halls, impressive. Until then, stand firm, as stoic as a market, and do culture.

Yours in reverberation,

Euan EK
“Skeleton of a Lost Time”

The post Centre: a noun for the now appeared first on The McGill Daily.

People are now worried.

A small subset of the people is worried because they believe the line symbolizes the sadness and anger of a powerful metaphysical force, which they also believe to be behind the appearance of similar lines throughout history. These people have warned that if any more similar lines appear in the near future, they will cease the movement of sequences of binary numbers between large grey boxes. The larger grouping of people is worried that if the binary numbers cease moving, there will be no more small green pieces of paper for them. All of the people agree that the line is Important.

Speaking to The Twice-a-Weekly moments after drawing the Important Line, Krugman advised people to look very closely at “all of the line,” before attempting “the difficult task” of interpreting its meaning.

“As you can see,” said Krugman while pointing to the start of the line, “the line first moves from the bottom of the screen to the top in a sort of diagonal way. In Economics, we say that the line ‘ascends.’”

“But then, and this is the really important bit,” said Krugman, “the line starts to go down – it starts to ‘descend’.”

According to Krugman, it is this ‘descending’ that signals the line’s importance.

“At this point,” said Krugman, pointing to the highest part of the line, “we want the line to continue to ‘ascend.’ But, as I have already taught you, this line then ‘descends.’ The line does not keep ‘ascending.’ This is important.”

Many people, including all of the Important White Men, agree with and understand Krugman.

Charles McMaths, President of the Society of Important White Men (SoIWM), contacted The Twice-a-Weekly to stress the importance of the Important Line.

“We do not know the full magnitude of the force that lies behind this line,” said McMaths. “But we must appease it.”

According to McMaths, the SoIWM has exclusive access to ancient lore, passed down through generations of SoIWM members, that explains how to appease the power and make the line ‘ascend’ once more.

“It all comes down to stopping the movement of the numbers,” said McMaths. “Actually, this lore is several generations old, so it technically only mentions the movement of small circular pieces of metal, and also shells, and pieces of wheat. But we extended the principle to all of the numbers. If ever any member of the SoIWM comes across a bad Important Line, we change the numbers, whatever they may be – that is what the lore requires.”

Critics of the line argue that the Important Men have forgotten why they are drawing lines.

“It used to be that we were expected to learn not only how to draw the lines, but why we were drawing certain lines, and not others,” said an old Marxist Economist who refused to be named because names are just the means through which the Bourgeoisie interpellates members of the proletariat as its subjects. “But now its all drawing, no asking,” he said.

Elsewhere, U2 Management student Jean-Paul LeBriggs pointed to the line during a seminar and was congratulated. LeBriggs told The Twice-a-Weekly he had been practicing by pointing to the menu in Gert’s all year.

“I expect a fulfilling life of pointing at graphs ahead of me,” LeBriggs said.

The post Economist successfully draws line appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Manfreddo said that administrators have learned from their previous attempts to complete major structural redesigns and that this one cannot possibly go wrong.

“This time we are going to write down our ideas before we do them,” said Manfreddo. “[It’s] foolproof.”

Previously, administrators barked orders from the top of James Admin and assumed that they were “obeyed.”

“It was a good and a bad system,” said Manfreddo. “We enjoyed it, but then the graphs.”

Currently, each academic department in the building has its own floor and administrators, because of face-to-face contact.

Manfreddo told The Twice-a-Weekly that if the proposed fool proof construction project goes ahead, academics, students, and other nuisances will be moved to “one of those roads to the left, as you look at James.”

“McTavish, is that one?” said Manfreddo. “Or Peel? Somewhere west of Peel would be nice.”

The newly-vacated space will then be used to house an above-inflationary number of administrators, each with a bespoke security officer.

“The security officers will help with autonomy and solidarity, collegiality, and it’s always good to have personalized relationships between security staff and administrators. Losing these intimate relationships would be too high a price to pay for ensuring faculty and students can see each other in a building on campus,” said Manfreddo. “But Second Cup is nice.”

Despite Manfreddo’s confidence that he is doing a good thing, many on campus are not so sure.

Faculty are pretty outraged but too scared to say anything generally because they’re reading; “damn and blast,” one anonymous faculty member wrote in an email to The Twice-a-Weekly.

Support staff are tired of this, but totally unsurprised and won’t comment because what’s the point.

Management students have praised the move but have asked why the Dean “has not yet thought to outsource students and faculty to India.”

Campus communist paper The McGall Daily is “pissed” about the plans because “they are not rad,” but has offered little in the way of constructive criticism, its staff preferring to shelter in their echo-chamber in the basement of the Shatner building.

Despite the largely negative feedback and the administration’s inability to count past the number six, Manfreddo is confident his solution is “the best of all the worlds.”

“We spoke to the physicists, and it looks like there is actually only one world,” Manfreddo said. “So we think we’re going to halve the budget…for shits and giggles.”

The post This construction project is necessary and cannot go wrong, says Dean appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The student, Alexpanda Coat-Hanger, is a regular contributor to Montreal based political-gossip blog, the Political Soup. 

Coat-Hanger is the Soup’s self-anointed expert on “the Middle East, and also the developing world [sic].”

Obama told The Twice-a-Weekly that he is “astounded” that an undergraduate student and contributor to a blog had such insight into “almost all of the world.”

“This kid really has got something,” Obama said. “I have the most well-funded departments in the entire world, and yet when we looked at the problems in the places, we just couldn’t see. We couldn’t see like this kid.”

“I read his article, ‘The Balancing Act,’ yesterday and I have to say, I was blown away,” Obama said.

In the article, Coat-Hanger expounds his view that “the failures” in Afghanistan should be blamed on both the West and the Karzai regime which holds power in the country.

“This is really a radical take on the situation in Afghanistan,” Obama said. “But when we looked at his argument, and then compared it to the way that things are over there, we found he was right.”

Obama noted that he was particularly impressed with Coat-Hanger’s use of assumptions and received truths to back up his analysis.

“I was also very impressed with the way the kid dealt with the question of legitimacy; the question of why America was justified in taking the fire out over there to the sandy places,” Obama said. “He just didn’t even acknowledge the question. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Even our finest departments and their finest heads haven’t been able to completely dodge that question.”

Obama is now understood to be making an offer of employment to Coat-Hanger, but is worried that the rival Montreal-based political-gossip blog Pencil might land him first.

“We have indeed been preparing a move for Coat-Hanger,” Paneer Tie-el-b, founder of Pencil, told The Twice-a-Weekly.

“We’ve actually been sizing up a move for Coat-Hanger for quite a while, since we were founded, actually [last week],” Tie-el-b said. “We knew one or two of the big shots might come in for him, but we thought it would probably be the Prince Albert Herald, not the President of the United States of America.”

Tie-el-b noted that Pencil welcomed the competition from the Commander-in-Chief of the world’s largest nuclear arsenal, stating that “right now, we think the balance tips slightly in our favour.”

Prising Coat-Hanger away from his current blog might not be so easy, with the Political Soup making it clear they do not want to sacrifice their man.

“We have been preparing an offer we think he can’t refuse,” the Soup’s chief editor, I-am-a-Bell So-lick-me, said. “Guestlist at Tokyo every week, plus a $50 meal plan card for the Orange-Road cafe.”

At press time, Obama was not sure if the United States of America, comprised of the fifty states and significant parts of the rest of the world, would be able to match So-lick-me’s offer, but he said he would “seek advice as soon as possible.”

“Unfortunately,” Obama said, “Coat-Hanger is the only man I can trust to give me the right advice.”

The post Obama telephones student appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The report proves the link between smaller feet sizes and lower pay, effectively dismissing over 150 years of sociological research that suggested the gradual reification of performed gender roles into male and female over time, an economic system reliant on the exploitation of all non-males, and the all-around shitty nature of men were to blame.

The report asked women and men – there were no other categories offered – to self-report both their shoe size and their wage. Professor Paul Nathanson, lead-researcher in the IfS team, then compiled the Facts into Graphs and Took Averages.

When quizzed as to why he chose to impose an artificial gender-binary on participants, Nathanson replied with the words “just because” and “common sense” several times.

Nathanson told The Twice-a-Weekly that the results “were not un-unambiguous.”

“The data clearly shows that women earn less, and also have smaller feet,” Nathanson said. “Now I’m not a ‘scientitian’, but I think it’s pretty clear what that data means…women need to grow some bigger feet.”

Nathanson notes that the findings are consistent across race, class, and even across different countries, “proving it.”

“People have been bandying about some radical ideas over the past century,” Nathanson said. “But ‘feminism’ and ‘sexism’ are really just outdated intellectual fads that bare no relation to the reality of my Graph and Calculator.”

“The idea that our society is structurally sexist, that women are sorted, ordered, categorized, and named according to a ‘value’ system that has been constructed to coerce the female body because of men’s atavistic fear of powerful women, and that this system does not apply to men, is plainly misguided,” Nathanson said. “I saw a woman with size 10 feet yesterday; I bet she had loads of money.”

When asked if he felt that maybe he had misunderstood “it all,” Nathanson was unequivocal.

“Women need to stop blaming and start growing,” he said. “I grew my feet, so why can’t they? They could also buy bigger shoes, because of freedom.”

“We agree,” said Ted Turner, founder of CNN, Bruce Bawer, and new McGall University Principal Suzie Fartier.

Despite Nathanson’s confidence, many of the rest of everyone are “thinking that this is one of those ‘untruths.’”

“I refuse to read anything ever,” said Paul Johnson, first-year Bubble-Blowing student and Devout Bro. “But I think Nathanson is doing a bad thing, [yes], he definitely is.”

“It’s not that I know less than him,” said Gee R. King, coordinator of Awesome at Dream-Big Radio. “It’s that I do know more than him and he is wrong. Also, lived experiences.”

The post Big feet increase earnings; men free of all blame appeared first on The McGill Daily.

“Oh God, finally.”

“No, I’m Peter.”

“Oh. Wait. I meant oh God, thanks for for calling, Peter.”

“Ah. You’re welcome. Is something the matter?”

“Nobody speaks to me anymore.”

“Okay. But I was just calling in to get a job done, if you need to speak to someone…”

“You can help me.”

“I’m not really trained for this sort of thing…”

“No. I meant that your business will help me.”

“My custom?”

“Yes.”

“Oh. Is business going badly?”

“You could say that.”

“Well, explain.”

“Nobody wants anything set in stone anymore.”

“No one?”

“No. To tell you the truth, you’re the first call I’ve had in weeks. I think I’m going to have to just let it go.”

“Weeks? Surely not? People still make plans. They must need some set in stone.”

“Not like they used to. You know, in the old days it was simple. People would make some plans, throw a few ideas about a final time around, find out what works for everyone, and then give me a call to get it all finalized, carved into a nice piece of granite or something. I’m quite skilled with a chisel.”

“I’m sure you are; that’s why I called you.”

“I’m the best. It’s a talent, an art if anything, but it’s also hard work. It took a lot of training to get here you know. Years and years of chipping away at the career ladder. There’s quite a hierarchy in this profession. You have to hammer on more than a few doors but it pays off in the end. At least it did.”

“What’s changed?”

“It’s technology. All these newfangled phone-eyes and plastic tablets. I remember when a tablet was just a good old-fashioned piece of sturdy clay, something good to set down your thoughts in. Moses was a great customer of mine; he ordered ten of them. There was a time I could keep myself in business just by selling ten commandment knock-offs to cheeky bishops and priests looking to make a quick buck.”

“And then what?”

“Carbon dating.”

“And so the new tablets are putting you out of business?”

“Yeah. People today are all about their on-the-fly plans. They like to ‘change it up’ as they say. ‘We don’t need plans ‘cause we can just make a call if we’re gonna be late’, they say. But it’s a mess. It’s a real mess.”

“In what way?”

“They think making plans on the fly is not really making a plan. But it is. It’s just penciling it in over and over again. Look, Peter, I don’t want to sound jealous, cause I’m not, I’m not a jealous guy, you know – commandment ten, ‘thou shalt not covet’, one of my best pieces of work – but the penciling-in guy? He’s absolutely loving it right now. Fair play to him, the last few decades, with the Biro, you know, they weren’t so kind on him. But these days? I mean, fuck. It’s all penciling in. I’m surprised events ever happen. And the waste! He’s almost drowning in paper. I went to see him last week, you know, to see if he had any tips on some confirmations that might be coming up, and all I could see of him was his head. His head above a sea of paper. I don’t know how he gets those plans down correctly. Can he even see his hands? But, you know, fair play to him. But fuck it’s a mess.”

“Right. Well that’s awful, Simon. I hope it picks up for you. In fact, I might have a little something for you.”

“Oh good, good. ‘Cause I’ve had years of training. Did I mention that?”

“You did, but…”

“Oh good, good. I’ve been in the business for epochs. And I haven’t been lazy during my downtime either. I’m always working on that CV. Gotta show what I’m doing between gigs, as they say. I’ve been making some really nice progress fine-tuning Garamond in sandstone – real flaky stuff, real tricky to work all the little serif flicks into it, but it does look absolutely fabulous at the end. Shall I put you down for something like that? Or I suppose you want Helvetica? Very rock ’n’ roll these days I know…”

“I just want to make sure I don’t miss my anniversary next week. I’m just looking for something simple, something permanent in a nice piece of rock…”

“And don’t I have the rock! I have got literally tons of rock sitting in my workship right now. Granite, basalt, claystone. A lovely bit of dolomite just begging for a wedding or an anniversary to be carved into. Oh, and don’t get me started on Paleocene era bauxite – it puts the stuff from the Cisuralian era to shame it really does. And just last epoch I put some Cenomanian age Glauconite in the catalogue to see if it would do well. It didn’t really take off until your own subatlantic age but it’s been a real seller since then. Looks fabulous on a mantelpiece, makes for a real conversation starter…”

“Look, I think this is all a bit much…”

“Please. Peter. How about something from the Pliocene epoch? You gotta help me. I’ve got hundreds, maybe thousands, of chisels on backorder. And rock isn’t cheap. Cash flow is essential in my line of work; I just need a little leg up.”

“Simon. I’m really sorry, but…”

“What?”

“My wife just called me. She wants a divorce.”

“You moderns…zero staying power. Zero. And fuck Henry VIII, too.”

The post Stonewalled appeared first on The McGill Daily.

“We’re people now.”

“Like human people? Bro, I’m clearly a dolphin.”

“Yeah, you’re a dolphin, but you’re also a person.”

“Have you been swimming near those hydrothermal vents again? I told you that extremely hot mineral sulfides and dolphins do not mix well.”

“I’ve been off the vents for two years now. Stop bringing it up.”

“Quiet. I need to push this lever to indicate to this nice scientist that I do not know what sound he is playing me.”

“That’s it! Personhood. You’re doing it!”

“They gave me some fish.”

“But that’s why they think you’re a person.”

“Because I like fish? Fish is just tasty shit. I like eating tasty shit, so sue me.”

“You’re demonstrating superior intelligence to chimpanzees and awareness of your own consciousness.”

“I’m a smart dolphin, granted, but I’m a dolphin.”

“But they’re saying that your self-awareness means you’re, like, a non-human person.”

“Who’s saying?”

“Scientists.”

“Human scientists?”

“Human scientists.”

“Fuck them.”

“Fuck human scientists?”

“Fuck humans.”

“Fuck all humans?”

“You remember Paul? You remember his smile? He had a smile like Free Willy. And you remember what he looked like in that net? All cut up like he a tuna or a mackerel? I’m done with humans. I’ll eat their tasty shit, but no more.”

“No but I think these scientists want to stop the nets. They made a Declaration of Rights for Cetaceans.”

“Cetaceans? Now you’re just using their language.”

“But it gives us protections. It gives us rights to life and liberty.”

“Ha. What next, property?”

“Maybe. If we work toward it. We’ll need to pull together, but…”

“I knew it.”

“What?”

“You’re ashamed to be a dolphin.”

“What? That’s fucked up.”

“No, you’re fucked up. You always wanted what they have. You love them. You’re always swimming near their boats, doing jumps, blowing water with your blow hole. You don’t deserve a blow hole.”

“Take that back.”

“You’re ashamed of that hole in your head.”

“Brother?”

“Remember when you tried putting tape over your hole?”

“I was just young.”

“You couldn’t breathe.”

“I was just messing around.”

“You still wanted it. Even when you were a calf. I remember the posters, the magazines, the pieced-together human skeletons on the ocean floor. Dolphin was never enough for you.”

“No. That is not fair. I want what’s best for all dolphins. Everywhere.”

“By being more like them? By having them label you? Labelling you just enough like them that you get some ‘rights?’”

“It’s all part of the process.”

“Non-human person? That’s second-class bull fucking shit if ever I saw it.”

“They’re saying it’s morally unacceptable to kill us.”

“You’re morally unacceptable. You’re ashamed to be dolphin. You’re ashamed of your fin, you’re ashamed of your tail, and you’re ashamed of that hole in your head.”

“I love my hole. I hate sharks.”

“I’d have two holes in my head if I could.”

“It’s all about the hole for you. You’re a dolphin essentialist.”

“Run away. Run away, and never return.”

“You know I don’t have legs.”

“Because of who you are.”

“I just wanted to help.”

“You want ‘liberty.’ You want property, you sell-out. And you want rights. Rights that only mark your absolute subservience to sovereign power, to the sovereign’s power over your life. They can give you their rights; they’ll still string you up in those nets like any old tuna.”

“But…”

“You know who has rights? Humans. Did you ever seen a dolphin with an atomic bomb? Rights mean nothing to those people.”

“But you’re a person now.”

“Get out of here.”

The post Did anyone even ask the dolphins? appeared first on The McGill Daily.

—compiled by Euan EK

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What is that? Oh. It is my friend the other apple. He bumps into me sometimes. I don’t think he can help it. Because he is also an apple and so also lacking in nerves. And lacking in knees. And in arms. Just big and juicy juicy bellies mmm. You wanna taste? No. No tasting. Naughty. That would forsake me.

There is a lack of professionally-trained apple surgeons in the world today.

The black market gets dodgier every day.

Every day, another rotten core. Another half-eaten belly. Think before you eat, dear humans.

What shall I do today, you ask? Hush now! Did you not listen to what I just told you? We apples have no time. There is no such thing as time for us. What is time? No idea. We have but one day. One eternal day in the sunshine of eternal beauty.

Our eternal beauty. Our presence within the singularity. You see it now, don’t you? You see that apples, we apples, are the truly devout? The truly holy? But still we are not glorified. We are not held up, aloft. We are not celebrated in the stained class. But we will be. We will be led to true glory. I am the apple to do this. I am Applestine. I am Saint Applestine.

Now I go this way. Now I go that.

But. Alas. I am a saint, as it is plain for all the world to see; no other apple shines like me. But I am also an apple. And, as so many saints before me have said: what does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

You see my predicament.

I am a saint. But I am an apple.

What is that coming this way from over yonder field? I have no idea. And what is a field?

Real predicament.

But I would worry if I had a conception of time. I do not. So I do not worry. I shall continue to be in being.

Mmm. Shall I eat now? Yes. Ah, but did my question reveal itself to be a trick? Yes. Because I am always eating. My food comes down and right into my tubby belly ohhh so juicy it’s so juicy tasty tasty love nutrients. I am always eating. In my eternal day. Love. You can be so in love with food when it comes into your very own belly 24/7. Oh juice. Oh holy juice. I have tasted and I have wept. Oh juice. Everything, all of the time.

Perhaps that is where it lies. My sainthood. It lies in my very apple-ness. Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

We apples wander nowhere; the apple is true believer. The juicy believer.

It is clear to me now.

Juicy is to believe what you do not see – only what you taste. The reward of this faith is to taste what you believe. I am Applestine. Saint Applestine. And you have tasted.

Renounce your earthly desires, oh human. Renounce earthly passions. Renounce earthly time. Renounce hands and legs. Renounce everything but the belly. Become belly itself. Only then can you become juicy belly, and the juicy belly is the only truly free belly.

Human. Oh earthly human. Remember the truth: if you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don’t like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself. If you reject me, you reject only yourself. Become belly. Do not waver. 24-hour-a-day juice into juicy belly. Become.

But lo? What is happening to me? I am plucked! I am plucked! Hands clasp me. I am come. It is the moment. The judgement. Am I juicy enough? Will the one that plucked me from my juicy 24 hour juice stream deem me juicy enough? Am I juicy? Truly juice? I am! I am juicy! I am juicy! I am juicy! Saint Applestine, for ever more, I shall be known as! I am become only juice! I am become juice itself. Juice, forevermore.

The post A day in the life of an apple appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Publisher: I am enjoying cocaine, because it is the 1980s.

Editor: I too, am enjoying much cocaine.

Author: I always said seven books a year was the lucky number. Cocaine is the best.

Reader: I feel an attachment to this character and must continue to follow his always-surprising endeavours in the next installment. Also, emotions are hard.

Science fiction books

P: Should I just tell the author to write the screenplay first?

E: Well, fuck you too, spellcheck.

A: I hope the pro-environment message isn’t too subtle. Maybe I should set it in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, just to be sure.

R: Mom, can I have this one please?

Modernist poetry

P: Can we at least make it look like Lord of the Rings?

A: The substantive breaks with stylistic convention will secure my fortune and happiness.

R: And to think, he finished it only days before his death in poverty and obscurity.

Shakespeare

P: And you’re saying the publishing rights are free?

E: So many folios, so little time.

A: Actually, I am more than one person.

R: Should I put this on the coffee table, or next to it?

Contemporary literature

P: I’m so alone.

E: Success in this internship will help kick-start my career in publishing.

R: Oh, I thought it was Fifty Shades. Nevermind. And it didn’t win a Booker?

Alt-lit

P: I am also the editor.

E: I am also the author.

A: I am also the reader

R: I am also the publisher.

Diet books

P: I feel no compassion for human life, and never will.

E: Is this immoral?

A: Maybe I did a bad thing.

R: Now society will accept me!

Canadian literature

P: Have we run out of stock nature photos yet?

E: Is it too much to ask for a lead character?

A: My novel will finally define for all time the “garrison mentality.”

R: Since the election of the Harper government, I have a newfound desire to discover this country’s nationalist traditions.

Erotic fiction

P: $$$

E: Would a comma add to, or detract from, this erection?

A: I enjoy writing while my kids are at school.

R: By reading this in a public place, I am showing the world how comfortable I am with sexuality.

Dickens novels

P: Shall I leave the end off?

E: I’m just going to pretend I got to the end.

A: And they pay me by the word!

R: I chose to focus on the first chapter in my book report, Mrs. Sanders.

Self-help books

P: <3 capitalism 4 lyf.

E: So many sentences in the imperative…

R: Oh. He has a PhD. That means that this is the one I can trust and so will buy.

Recipe books

E: Did he mean tablespoon or teaspoon?

A: You put the onions in the pan, and the money comes out.

R: The claims about preparation time mean these recipes will fit into my daily schedule with ease.

Textbooks

P: Do you think they’re ever going to do anything about this?

A: Shall I change the units or the examples this time?

R: “Charlie, I found it. It was under the keg.”

Kama Sutra

P: Should we put this in the ‘world’ section?

E: Is the illustration upside down?

A: I am extremely fulfilled, like, in every single way you would expect.

R: Where is the nearest yoga gym? I hurt.

Financial guides

P: I don’t need this. I will never need this. People will always pay for books.

E: I don’t need this. I have a BA.

A: Soon, I shall be king.

R: Where did I leave my piggy-bank?

The For Dummies books

P: Can we do a Dummies for Dummies?

A: We need air. Send help.

R: Adderall is easier.

Academic journals

P: We should do this again.

E: He didn’t cite me. Rejected.

A: Only five more till tenure.

R: Thanks for your submission to the Journal of Studies. We have passed your article on to be peer-reviewed.

Liberal political theory books

P: That was boring.

E: The white male author of this book has clearly never felt love in his life.

A: Why won’t everyone listen to me?

R: I wish everyone listened to me like they listen to this man.

Scientific data collections

P: Did you run it by EXXON first?

E: It looks like it’s true. But it also looks like a lie.

A: Punk gave us all unrealistic expectations when it comes to authenticity.

R: Oh. That’s handy. My car actually reduces the effects of climate change.

The Harry Potter books

P: And she’s 100 per cent sure she’s done, is she?

E: Boom. Fucking. City. Life is so good.

A: Should I tell them about Harry’s real father?

R: I can’t wait to get my letter from Hogwarts!

The post Mind-reading in the papermill appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Dearest Manfreddoooooo:

How’s it hanging? Did you cut any research funding yet? No? You should do that. As per your last email I’ve included some deets below about dealing with questions/issues/commies, et cetera. Hang tight, bbe.

 Dealing with questions

If a student’s question mentions one of these sets of keywords, they should trigger a response using another set of keywords.

 Set one

Keywords to look out for in a students’ question: Money, where, what, doing, you, with.

Keywords to use in answer: Victim, budgetcuts, underfunding, global economy, World Class University, student wishes, the Francophone Problem [the Parti Québécois].

Set two

Keywords in question: Nothing, education, learning, happening, advising, help.

Keywords to use in answer: Victim, budget-cuts, underfunding, global economy, World Class University, student wishes, the Francophone problem.

Set three

Keywords in question: Lies, access, information, request, to, truth, show, now, illegal, courts.

Keywords to use in answer: Conspiracy, campus, beautification, future, consider, your.

Context-specific questioning

What to do if a faculty member asks about the money:

Is this a tenured, full professor?

Yes: Take money from our account and put in their account. Offer to make Chair of Department.

No: Say you will take money from their account and put it in our account.

Is the question related to specific expenditures?

Yes: Refer to The Francophone Problem, discuss benefits of science.

No: Laugh at, make humorous reference to Marxism and/or trade unions.

What to do if a student asks about the money:

Mention career trajectories. Discuss importance of assortment of contemporary ‘needs’. Pepper response with frequent references to Facebook, Apple, and competition from young people in India.

What to do if non-student questions students’ learning environment:

Mention research priorities. Point menacingly at assortment of graphs.

What to do if student questions student’s learning environment:

Mention tenured-faculty. Put six-pack of imported beer at student’s feet. Talk about Thought Catalogue. Mention Fruit Salad.

What to do if a student journalist asks about the money:

You are too far out of James. Retreat.

Hope that clears up any questions, home boy.

Peace out.

MJ Fendie, VP (Parties and Hanging Out) (I like this better, what do you think Chris?)

The post Leaked documents obtained through ATI requests appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Senior administrator: It was nice visiting the moon.

Junior administrator: I imagine it was. I will need to wait for my guaranteed end-of-year bonus before I can go to the moon. I am bored of visiting New Zealand.

Senior: I was also bored of New Zealand at your age. Once I was so bored in New Zealand I tipped a bag of money into a volcano in New Zealand.

Junior: You must have been so bored. To get through the day I sometimes throw money out the window. But sometimes the wind isn’t fast enough, so it just accumulates on the ground. I don’t like seeing piles of money outside my windows because I see piles of money too much each day. I don’t know where to put this money.

Academic administrator: The faculty are upset again.

Junior: Shall I go and tear up the contracts?

Senior: Yes. They never complain about that so it must be fair. Also, go and get more adjuncts from the pit.

Academic: The pit is overflowing with adjuncts. How many shall I take?

Senior: Take ten. We can put them back in the pit if they are bad adjuncts.

Junior: Bad adjuncts? I thought all adjuncts had a natural respect of authority?

Senior: Yes, in general most do. But some enjoy reading too much and then tell me about their reading. It makes me puke.

Junior: Reading does not make money, but faculty seem to think so. I think it is because they are all Marxists.

Senior: I think so, too. Marxism has been proved wrong by facts. They should read the facts more.

Academic: Some of the adjuncts at the bottom of the pit are suffocating.

Senior: That it because they are at the bottom of the pit: they should try and climb to the top of the pit where there is air. That is the rational thing to do.

Junior: Faculty are so irrational. I think it is all the money they make for doing reading.

Senior: I hadn’t thought of that before. We should deny them tenure.

All: Yes. Tenure is a job for life and that is stupid because Marxism was proven wrong by facts.

***

A discussion in the faculty club lounge, as imagined by the administration:

Assistant professor: Don’t you just love sitting and reading?

Full Professor: Yes, I do. It is all I do in fact, which is nice.

Assistant: How many books have you read?

Full: All of them.

Assistant: I, too, have read all of the books.

Full: I enjoy leisurely re-reading all the books that have ever been written in my oak-panelled office while smoking my pipe.

Assistant: If we didn’t have the time to leisurely re-read all the books then we wouldn’t be able to notice subtle variations or find ambiguous points that we can debate the meaning of for the next tax-year.

Full: Exactly, that is why we need money: to write more books. Because we have read all the books that exist. We are providing the world with a very valuable service by writing more books.

Assistant: But we must not write too fast. If we did that then the books would be read too fast, and then there would still be nothing left to read.

Full: Yes.

Assistant: That is why we also invent new words and terms: to fill up the new books.

Full: Reusing old words is boring.

Adjunct professor: It is fun sitting at the big table.

Full: Another way of inventing new words is simply redefining old words. Did you know that ‘a public’ is a group of no more than 100 people gathered together to light fires?

Assistant: No, I did not.

Full: Yes, I defined the public as such in my latest academic paper. Writing that paper gave me a sense of well being and fulfillment and a deep satisfaction at having contributed to society’s knowledge.

Assistant: Yes, this job is satisfying but, more than that, seeing your name in an academic journal is why I started this job: publishing is what I live for.

Full: I would publish for free, but I also like my wage because I use it to buy more vintage oak panelling.

Assistant: I just oak-panelled my bathroom.

Full: I just oak-panelled my leg.

Adjunct: I am very young and just have fun being here. Being young I do not need to eat; the money the administration gives me allows me to buy extra popsicles for fun.

Full: Well, I best go home now. It is the end of the working day.

Assistant: Yes, 1 p.m. is time for tennis and golf.

Full: But first we should finish this vintage single-malt whiskey and think about the way things are.

Assistant: The way things are is complex and requires thought.

Adjunct: Thinking is fun. I think I can do it!

Other professors: Shh booboo. Sleepytime for you.

Adjunct: Yes, I must get a minimum of eleven hours sleep a day. Thankfully that is tolerated by the institution and society at large.

Thinking happening

Full: Well, that was a good session of thinking. Maybe we should write some of those thoughts down.

Assistant: Tomorrow. First we need to go and be respected members of our community that are influential and regarded as sexually attractive because we combine brains with a good dress sense because we only buy designer clothes because everyone buys our books.

Full: Yes. Also I need to oak-panel my windows.

The post Campus conversations appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The flood – which is being referred to as “God’s beauty” by Campus Crops – heavily nourished the previously-parched earth in the garden be the McGall School of Environment (MSE).

According to the group’s website, the water flow carried “many wholesome natural scientifics that plants need into the garden; the scientifics of nitrogen and biologican were particularly present.”

Campus Crops said the flood meant their soil would not need improvement for “most of the rest [of time].”

“The area had poor quality soil, lots of clay,” explained Darl Sion Tree, a member of Campus Crops. “Over the years we have been improving the soil; we add compost twice a year, for example. When we closed in November, we added a lot of mulch. We have supplied the soil with a lot of organic matter.”

The damage from the flood, however, was the final piece of the puzzle, adding valuable scientific nutrients to the topsoil.

“A lot of time and money was saved in one night,” Tree explained.

As a result, Campus Crops hopes to open a new garden in summer 2013, and are in discussion with lawyers over the possibility of opening a franchise. In the past, the group was considered small.

“Normally we have one garden and some student volunteers. But after the flood, and the bountiful harvest that followed, we really don’t know where to stop. We’ve given half our food away and we still have money flowing in from the people that are buying all our food. We’re not sure where the limit is but probably there isn’t one,” said Tree.

The group is still in the process of organizing discussions on how to move forward, because the group’s executives have not finished their week-long celebratory bender.

“We need to discuss what we can do this summer, however I am very, very drunk and have eaten far too much foie gras. Farming makes you rich, that is the lesson I have learnt. Ultimately, I’m not sure if I can be bothered to franchise, because I have too much money. Do you want it?”

Candidates interested in owning the Campus Crops (TM) trademark and developing the global franchise should email: themoneyiswonderful@campuscrops.com.

The post Campus Crops celebrates record harvest appeared first on The McGill Daily.

According to a leaked document obtained by The Twice-a-Weekly, the Obama administration adopted the protocol in order to “obscure” the legal framework surrounding the killing of “American citizens and the Other.”

The document, dated March 2012, shows that Obama adopted McGall University’s Provisional Protest Protocol – released in February 2012 following a highly-technical and musical raid of McGall administration offices by daring bandits – because it felt the document “laid out in clearest terms the legal imprecision which characterizes application of the law in the contemporary world order.”

The document also deals specifically with the issue of when and how the president can order the killing of a U.S. citizen, concluding that “activities which continue beyond the normal operating hours of the Nation” can be met with “the full force of the United States military…and all of the guns in here, baby.”

Citing the McGall protocol at several points, the document says that an “informed, high-level” official of the U.S. government may determine if someone “deserves” to live, depending on whether or not the target has been “recently” involved in “activities” posing a threat of a violent attack and “there is no evidence suggesting that the target has renounced or abandoned such activities.” The memo does not define “recently,” “deserves,” or “activities.”

In a key passage in the document – which is unsigned – it argues that, regarding “human beings on planet Earth […] the law and other paperwork will not immunize them from a lethal operation.”

This so-called “death-clause” is widely believed to have been adopted following talks held between Obama and McGall University Vice-Principal (Counting and Adding Up) Mantony C. Assi. Obama was said to be “inspired” by the “utter audacity” of Assi’s work on McGall’s provisional protocol, which included clauses prohibiting protests that “implied threats to persons” or “impede[d] the conduct of University activities.”

“Neither of those clauses had ever appeared in a legal document before,” said Obama. “But then they were put there, and stayed there. I have to say I was very inspired by Assi’s work.”

“Following the successful adoption of rules like that at a public institution of higher learning in a place frequented by people who can reasonably be expected to know better,” said Obama, “I feel it is safe to assume not enough people care and so I will get away with this egregious abuse of power.”

The document does not specify the “minimum legal requirements” for launching a killing spree, insisting that “all murder” would be constitutionally justified as long as the United States is engaged in an “armed conflict,” as defined by Assi in 2012.

Assi famously defined “armed conflict” as “those activities that contain the potential for implied disagreements.”

The paper justifies the exclusion of the courts by arguing that “judicial enforcement of such orders would require the court to supervise the president and his national security advisers” and so be “incompatible with the Obama administration’s aims and goals.”

The document also provides one of the most comprehensive accounts of the wider international legal framework that was inaugurated by McGall’s provisional protest protocol, and that the U.S. believes supports its controversial drones policy.

Principally, the document shows that the U.S. now believes the words “implications, imply, and implied” are now interchangeable with “think, thought, and perhaps,” and, further, that the word “different” has now “been successfully replaced with the word ‘threat,’ as was planned in the 2001 White Paper, ‘What to do about the Other.’”

The leaking of the document, with its dense legal argument justifying the targeted killings of U.S. citizens, is certain to escalate the arguments that have been swirling around the issue.

Speaking to the New York Times, Hina Shamsi, director of the American Civil Liberties Union’s national security project, denounced the memorandum as “a profoundly disturbing document,” adding: “It’s hard to believe that it was produced in a democracy built on a system of checks and balances. It summarizes in cold legal terms a stunning overreach of executive authority: the claimed power to declare anyone a threat and kill them, far from a recognized battlefield and without any judicial involvement. What was that damn University thinking?”

The post Obama adopts University protest protocol appeared first on The McGill Daily.

These operating procedures explain how the University will manage, order, regulate, and structure the possible field of action of students.

Demonstrations, assemblies, and protests are deemed to be peaceful if they involve no use of bodily limbs, vocal chords, or, in the case of internet protest, the caps-lock key, and if their intensity, intentionality, duration, and location are such that, given the circumstances surrounding them, they:

Allow the University to reproduce and replicate the disciplined environment necessary for the reproduction of social norms and currently-accepted truth-values;

permit the conduct of University activities, such as counting and adding up, or of meetings and events which have been arranged for Paris, Berlin, or Rio de Janeiro;

allow members of the University to enact their assigned role as required for the perpetual reformation of Western ontological values;

occur in spaces or rooms that are generally called “caves in the desert” or “the bottom of the sea”;

avoid unreasonable risks to University property or assets.

Demonstrations that do not substantially interfere with communication or access to both the mental and physical space of the campus are an acceptable form of dissent. Intensity, intentionality, duration, and location will be assessed when, and if, we feel like it.

We will hold two Consultation Fairs: at McDonald’s (TM) Campus (February 30) and on the downtown campus (February 31), where members of the community are invited to share their views. More details about the time and location of these events will be shared with you on those dates.

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