“I thought I hated that rag, but to be honest I think we all pale in comparison,” on anonymous hater offered, shaking their head in wonderment after picking up a copy in the SHMU building.

Inanity and vitriol were offered in equal amounts by editors of all sections over several generations.

At least seven Coordinating editors wrote in for something labelled an ‘intro,’ which largely consisted of seething diatribes about their respective years’ worth of co-editors.

“Why doesn’t anybody at this goddamn university know how to write a grammatical sentence?” one Copy editor griped. “I swear to god none of you should have graduated from high school.”

News editors’ complaints were sprinkled throughout, largely to do with their high workload and lack of recognition amongst the editorial board. “Hello, it’s a NEWSpaper,” was repeated numerous times as a response to other editors’ rants.

“I’m genuinely impressed,” said Rash Inall, who made a name for himself two years ago as one of McGall’s foremost Daily haters. “And I’m never impressed with The Daily.”

A recurring theme among the tirades was the number of opportunities lost to the bowels of the SHMU basement, from Friday night concerts to more gainful employment to a healthy social life free of severe caffeine addiction. “Do you know how many years I’ve shaved off my life in cigarette breaks and chugged coffee alone?” wrote one former Culture editor. “Fuck this place.”

The post Campus stunned to discover Daily editors hate The Daily more than they do appeared first on The McGill Daily.

“Protests are devoid of young people,” said Jambon Bramdom, community activist and organizer in an interview with The Weekly. “Last week I was at a demonstration against austerity. You know, usual stuff. But nobody under the age of 30 was to be seen.”

Bramdom pointed to an app open on hir ePhone. “I think stuff like this is to blame.” Ze was indicating the recently released puzzle game, 2,178, which ze described as “some bullshit about moving numbers around a board? Whatever.”

Peein’ More, a former activist and member of the Board of Directors of Association of McGall Employees Working Staff (AMEWS), explained his recent departure from several different organizing committees. “It started with a little public transit simulator game…look, it’s hard to explain.”

AMEWS, and other organizations, have felt the strain of losing student members in a slow but steady drain, as word spreads between them. When pressed for further comment, More waved his hand absently before returning to his phone.

Former editor at The Weekly, Anne Gee, was similarly vague as she discussed her resignation from the paper. “I just need this. I need it,” Gee hissed, talking to nobody and yet everybody who would listen.

Gee continued, “I’m so close this time. 2,178. 2,178. I see the grid when I close my eyes.”

An anonymous tip suggested that Gee played the game for ten hours straight the day before her interview with The Weekly, but Gee declined to comment. “I don’t see time anymore,” Gee explained. “Just the grid.”

Speaking on behalf of the McGall administration, Media Relations Aficionado Sweetie Boy-Sweet described the situation as “an exciting time to be alive.”

“There used to be a lot of fear about the power of social media. You know, all these young people talking to each other and organizing these awfully public demonstrations. But now, all they’re doing is talking about what character from Girls they would be. The tables have turned.”

The Moontreal police force are taking a more proactive approach, reportedly teaming up with BuzzFeed, an entertainment website and host of many such quizzes, to better target a “radical demographic.” Quizzes such as, “Are you a Slavoj or a Noam?” and, “What subset of anarchism best suits you?” are already gaining increased traffic among young radicals.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Bramdom said, referencing the efficiency of such distraction tactics. “It’s like they want them to win. I mean, come on. Who even wants to be a Slavoj?”

The post Radicals distracted by pointless online games, quizzes appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Even before the scheduled start time, it was obvious that the capacity of the room was far exceeded by the number of interested and energetic students who arrived ready to ask hard-hitting questions that pertained to their student lives and quality of education at McGall.

Students lined up along McLavish in advance of the debates. Before any candidates were able to take to the podium, an announcement was made in regards to the shift in venue, and the crowd of students moved to the Perky-Milson Stadium instead.

Anne Gee, U3 Brain Thinky student, commented as the mass-migration took place, “I don’t know why they didn’t think of this beforehand. There are always so many people at the debates.”

At the stadium, students aggregated in the stands according to their preferred candidates. Large homemade banners and rows of students with candidates’ names painted on their chests were all visible from the hastily set up podium. During the debate, several groups of students had airhorns confiscated in order to minimize the disturbances.

The majority of audience members were enthusiastically engaged in the proceedings of the debate. Questions from the floor included complex and nuanced points on the candidates’ roles in issues immediately relevant to students, such as policies on mental health and academic integrity.

There were also broader questions on the candidates’ commitment to equity. Several students also inquired about concrete, tangible ways that demands could be forced to the attention of administrators.

Buzzwords such as ‘sustainability,’ ‘diversity,’ and ‘consultation’ were used sparingly and thoughtfully by candidates, with attention paid to the exact context and suitability of those terms.

Many of the answers were met with resounding applause or thunderous booing from the crowd, or at times a mixture of both from the energetic audience. The polarized crowd would let no issue slide, and strings of intense follow-up questions extended the debates well into the night.

Following the debates, the candidates were “happy, but unsurprised” by the excitement that imbued the atmosphere of the stadium. “Students at McGall are totally engaged in politics,” said Torque Slam, one of four presidential candidates. “It’s always invigorating to see people at the debates, general assemblies, and all the consultative forums.”

“People know that we’d be getting $30,000 a year to do these jobs, so they obviously want to vet us and make sure we’re responsible enough to make that salary. It’s understandable, considering how we also end up with such huge means to affect the lives of every single student on campus,” explained Danger Claim, the uncontested candidate for VP Internal.

“Why wouldn’t people care?” he added.

The post SHMU campaigns gain unprecedented momentum appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The meeting was prolonged beyond its usual tedium due to the consideration of several new motions for the upcoming SHMU referendum period this semester. Among the uncharacteristically long list of motions for the referendum was a motion regarding the relocation of certain offices within SHMU, which took up most of the debating time during the meeting.

The motion was moved by SHMU Vice-President (VP) Extraterrestrial Sham Haggis, and VP Universal Affairs Showy Jay, and resolves to “shoot certain offices currently located in the SHMU building into fucking outer space once and for all.” The resolutions go on to specify that The Weekly office in particular “has a crater in the moon with its name on it,” and that the entirety of the SHMU office should be “given the astronomical boot, if you know what I mean.” Other smaller offices were also slated for launch, but in less grandiose and descriptive fashion.

When debate opened on the motion, opinions were highly polarized. Immediate concerns were raised about the logistics of the operation. SHMU President Karp Larping was among the first to speak up. “Sure, it needs to happen. But how? Are we gonna get a demo team and rip these offices out the side of the building? Or just collect everything inside them and load it into a spaceship?”

Several councillors spoke out in favour of the motion, but with reservations about its limited scope. Damn Bannermore, representative for the Department of Brain Thinky Science, suggested that, economically speaking, it would be worth including a number of offices located elsewhere on campus in the ejecta. Bannermore indicated several floors of the Farts building, as well as certain offices within the MacDoodle Engineering building that “could certainly use a trip to the surface of Pluto.”

Very few were vocal opponents of the gist of the plan itself, but instead fierce debate continued for hours on the scale and management of the plan. Sham Haggis spoke up in favour of his more conservative motion to only send a few offices from the SHMU building. “If we’re going to be honest, everybody in this building needs to get shot into outer space. I think we can all agree on that. But it isn’t doable.”

A representative from the Department of Criticism and Critiquing, King Sharzem-O’Granny, emphasized the urgency of having the motion moved forward in the upcoming referendum. “The longer we all stay on the surface of this shitty planet, the longer we have to fuck everything up.”

The meeting finally adjourned when it was decided that the motion would proceed as a referendum question, with minor amendments. Rather than selecting a few offices, the question now reads that the entirety of the SHMU building is to be lifted from its foundations with several rockets strapped to its sides. The precise logistics are yet to be made explicit, but details will follow if the question passes referendum later this semester.

The post “Everybody in this building needs to be shot into outer space” appeared first on The McGill Daily.

—Scared of Wrinkles

Dear SOW,
To help you out, here’s The Weekly’s four easy steps to glowing, firm-but-not-tight, smooth-but-not-like-a-literal-baby, Martha Stewart-tier skin. It’s up to you how seriously and rigorously you want to follow these rules, but let’s just say a certain number of the editorial board here takes their skin care very seriously, and you can tell.

1. Remember your liquids: milk, honey, blood, and brine. It’s important to keep your humours in the right balance when you’re trying to achieve that otherworldy glow. If you find yourself surrounded by chaos, stress, and unconscionably large amounts of bloodloss (as we all often are), you should try to balance that out with a good, whole-body goat milk soak. Crying yourself to sleep every night? It’ll draw your skin tight and lead to crow’s feet, so soothe the tension beneath your eyes with a dab or two of honey.

2. Try to use the purest products possible, whenever possible. Everybody knows that brine concentrated from the tears of recent divorcees just isn’t quite the same when they’ve been drinking too much scotch. Only ravens hand-fed with the corpses of your enemies are going to provide you with the feathers you need to brush the dust from those little nooks and crannies in your body without leaving any undesirable residues behind too. Of course, it’s possible to cut corners and still get results, but you won’t be the best possible you, unless you use the best possible components.

3. Routine is key: you can’t just apply a goat’s blood mask once every two weeks and expect to get amazing results. You have to commit, whatever the application is. Milk from a cow who gave birth on a night of a new moon is great, but only if you use it four times per lunar cycle, like the instructions on the stone tablets say. Honestly, it’s inconvenient but not hard to read the runes yourself, or find an online translation – it’s just a matter of making yourself stick to it.

4. Maintain a good diet. Good skin is not something that just magically happens when you slather your skin with a paste of mud and puréed shed snake skins, though obviously that helps. You have to change your intake as well. Consuming a decent amount of chitin is an often overlooked way to improve the skin’s firmness. Try eating whole raw shrimp to start, and if you’re feeling adventurous, there are a myriad of insects available for your consumption. You’d be amazed at how far a couple centipedes go!

Obviously, there are benefits to following these guidelines other than the breathtaking complexion you’ll have. Balancing your humours will help with digestion, energy levels, and improve the strength of your pheromonal excretions, to list a few. Hopefully these tips set you on the right path though – good luck!

—The Weekly

The post Ask The Weekly: Skin care appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The show’s producers, Stevie Boffut and Mike Gaffit, have now announced intentions to film and air the next series as pre-made GIFs to most directly serve the interests of their watchers.

When first aired three years ago, the series spurred the creation of a disproportionately large fan community on jumblr. Its members have remained loyal despite an overall decline in plot and/or character development as the new series progresses, in favour of fan-servicing tidbits designed largely to appeal to fans’ short attention spans coupled with their appetites for ‘moments’ between the two main male characters.

Boffut and Gaffit made clarifying remarks after the announcement was posted online, saying that “to be clear, these main characters are totally straight. Like, so heterosexual! And this heterosexuality will continue in the next season as they continue to be really close but really, really straight. We’re excited. If anything, the GIFs will make it easier to see how close and how straight they are.”

The announcement of the more digestible new format has experienced a mixed reception from fans, some of whom are “thrilled” that the producers “understand what [they] really want,” and some of whom are disappointed, as “all the fun was in getting around the annoying plot to find those clips for GIFs and compilation videos.”

The post British TV series to be aired as a series of GIFs appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Through gold-leafed pamphlets delivered door-to-door, as well as a series of bus ads in most Canadian cities, the Conservative government has taken a proactive stance on both keeping its citizens warm and destroying priceless and irreplaceable texts in the new year.

The government announced in 2012 that it would begin shutting down many national archive sites across the country, in what it called a “totally legitimate” cost-cutting measure as positions and programs were slashed.

A significant number of these archives were relied upon by environmental researchers and activists attempting to piece together records and reports of climate change. Skepticism dogged the closures, as limiting access to information regarding climate change was publicly referred to as being “goddamn sketchy.”

The closures have now been rolled into a national strategy on “fighting the symptoms of climate change,” according to the Minister of Environment, Ollie Spille, in a press conference on January 2.

The ads offered helpful advice on different uses for old and discarded archive collections and any other materials that “indicate so-called ‘alarming’ global climatic trends.” Tips included using loose pages as kindling for bonfires, hardcovers as longer-burning fuel, and shredding pages to use as stuffing for makeshift quilts or pillows.

Since the archive closures leave thousands of books destined for landfills or scattering to private collections, the book burning initiative makes better use of these unique and rare tomes for the good of both citizens and the environment. “We know that landfills are bad for the environment, right,” Spille explained. “So by destroying these books instead of sending them to landfills, we’re helping the environment. Boom.”

While Spille would not comment on any change in official government opinion on the issue of climate change itself, she heavily emphasized the role the government is taking in addressing its aftereffects, “now that people are starting to complain about it.”

In Montreal neighbourhoods, many of the books come from the dismantled Mori Lamountain Institute Library, after some were digitized for public viewing. “People don’t use books anymore, let’s be real,” said Spille. “Not like there’s anything different between reading books in person and online.”

Many American neighbourhoods struggling with power outages and uncommonly cold weather these past few days have begun burning books in kind, and a number of these were supplied directly from closing Canadian libraries. With many Americans unfamiliar with, and unprepared for, below-freezing temperatures, book burning has taken off as an easy and “relatively safe” emergency measure. Spille said the Canadian government is helping in any way possible.

The post Tips on destruction of archives distributed appeared first on The McGill Daily.

The administration’s acknowledgement of the vast overrepresentation of bros has been seen as an underwhelming and untimely response by several campus groups, who have been petitioning for a critical look at student demographics for years. QPARGH is one such group, having organized with the intent of raising awareness of, and action against, the ‘bro situation’ since 2010.
QPARGH working group Woes Before Bros (WBB) maintains a pessimistic outlook. “It’s definitely a situation of too little too late,” said one WBB activist. “Listen, you ever been to Schmerts [Bar] on a Friday night? You know what I’m talking about.”

McGall Deputy Provost (Student Purchases & Receipts) Mo’livier Cryinz was directly referenced in the University’s email, which described his new responsibility as a “liaison” with student activists. When reached for comment, Cryinz confirmed that the administration would be “moving forward” with the most widely supported course of action regarding the bros – that is, the gradual replacement of all bros with large Angora rabbits.

Described as “the best of all possible worlds” by proponents, the bro-to-rabbit turnover is scheduled to take place over the next three years. Careful screening of prospective students will eliminate the enrolment of new bros, and the introduction of the rabbits will be staggered, with a new herd set loose on campus at the beginning of every semester, allowed to “integrate themselves as they will,” according to Cryinz.

The plan has been contentious, with several outspoken students pushing against the majority support. At a consultative forum on the issue on November 12, Hurrah Mann said, “Look, I understand there’s a lot of bros here, but this is absurd. I mean, I’m not speciesist or anything, but isn’t it unfair to just hand over space to those big fluffballs?”

In response, WBB members simply lifted and pointed at large signs with pictures of Angora rabbits the size of people, their fur so long and fluffy that their adorable little noses were obscured. Mann considered the images for a few minutes before saying, “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

Some criticism about the integration process that lays ahead has already reached the ears of the administration. Cryinz was quick to clarify with The Weekly that though the academic evaluation system must be overhauled in anticipation of the new demographic makeup, professors are “overjoyed” with the scheduled changes.

Cryinz’s sentiments were mirrored by several professors reached for comment. “Yes, we’ll have to restructure our classes,” explained Hardy n’ Burly, associate professor in the Department of Anglophilia. “The rabbits can only be tested with food-baited, forced choice experiments, so it could be tricky to really get a sense of their understanding of Derrida, for example. But that’s a minor concern when you consider just how fluffy they are, oh my god. Have you seen them? Ahhhh! So fluffy!”

The post McGall addresses petitions for demographic overhaul appeared first on The McGill Daily.

National Ally Day (November 14) was only instituted six years ago, but has a long unofficial history of allies everywhere vigorously agreeing with each other over the dynamics of oppression. The event was organized by the McGall chapter of the Quebec Political Action and Research Group on Humanism (QPARGH), and facilitated by the Students’ Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU).

QPARGH Action Coordinator, Ann White-Pearson, explained that Ally Days at McGall was conceived as a way to address the systemic undervaluing of allies. “You hear a lot of gay people, for example, talking about gay issues. And I think a lot of people wonder, ‘What about straight people’s opinion of gay issues?’ That’s the kind of critical direction we tried to take with these workshops.”

“McGall is one place where I definitely don’t feel allies are given enough space,” White-Pearson said. “If I want to talk about the ways disabled people are underrepresented, why can’t I do that? I’m told that I’m ‘talking over’ people by explaining their feelings to others. I think that’s a serious problem.”

“Steps to More Effective Self-Back-Patting”

“It’s a powerful experience to have a good cry about oppression sometimes,” Jack Lemoore said as he began his workshop. “I sometimes like to imagine what it must be like to face microaggressions and it gets me so worked up, I just–” Lemoore then broke off for a moment, pressing a closed fist against his lips and looking off to the side, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “I just get really emotional, and really inspired to do good.”

The workshop was introduced as a way to help allies feel affirmed in their support of marginalized people. Lemoore detailed several strategies for “totally empathizing” with the victims of daily oppression. One suggestion was to “refuse to take no for an answer” in demanding information from marginalized people. Lemoore explained, “The only way you’re going to learn about intersectionality is by getting emotional, personal testimonies from people, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.”

“As an ally, your most important job is to be a voice for those who have no voice,” Lemoore explained. “You just have to tell everybody that even though you’re not part of that group, you really get it. You are an ambassador for those people.” Lemoore himself is a proud ally of ‘LGBT’ people (though he largely referred to gay men), and is “definitely close” with “at least three” queer people.

When the workshop opened for questions, one unidentified attendee said, “You realize that you’re taking up space that marginalized people could use to speak for themselves, right?” Lemoore answered, “Huh?”

“Identity Crisis: Living with Allyship”

This panel discussion opened with a heartfelt description of the coming-out process for Lemy Tok, a self-described ally of people with mental illnesses. “I gained a real understanding for what it’s like to be mentally ill,” Tok said. “One of my friends is bipolar and I found myself really inspired by her courage when I saw her taking her medication one day. It was a huge moment for me.”

Tok went on to describe the gradual process of telling his friends about his support for people with mental illnesses. His sentiments were mirrored by the other panelists, who had similar stories of inspiration and realization after encounters with marginalized people.

Another panelist, Manny Feals, described the hardships of dealing with marginalized people who “demand attention,” and of being shamed for her allyship. “People have sarcastically asked if I ‘want a cookie for saying that trans* people are people,’ and I find that really hurtful. I don’t know why it’s okay to tell me to ‘stop talking and listen to trans* people.’ As a woman, I already understand how oppression works, so I don’t need to be lectured that way.”

One suggested method for dealing with such discrimination included taking breaks from allyship, as it would be “ridiculous” to assume that one could just always be a vocal supporter of marginalized people.

“Pedantry for Fun and Profit: Using the Dictionary to Derail”

“We all know that racism is bad,” began Julian Pettifogger, a member of the Canada-wide group Pedants of Privilege. “But what exactly does racism mean?” Pettifogger went on to list several incredibly banal dictionary definitions of racism as a belief that races have inherent differences that can be used as a means to discriminate against some. “So in this simple exercise, we’ve already proven that racism can be used in any direction. As allies, the dictionary is a powerful tool.”

Building on his original example, Pettifogger further explained the uses of essentialism when engaging with marginalized people. “If, for instance, your friend of colour says they’re really ‘tired of white people,’ you need to call them out on that, because that’s a form of racism, as we’ve seen in the dictionary.”

Pettifogger dispelled the notions that one should accept that reality is not necessarily married to description and strict definition. “Let’s not get carried away by vagueities about ‘power’ and ‘intersectional dynamics’ now, these all have specific connotations that should not be misconstrued just because somebody’s feelings are hurt.”

When asked his opinion on constructed words to define specific identities (the example given was ‘genderqueer’), Pettifogger said, “Oh, come on. We can’t just make words up and expect people to know what they mean. Language doesn’t just evolve new vocabulary like that, which is why we’re all still speaking Middle English right now. Er, wait…” Pettifogger then excused himself for the remainder of the workshop time.

The post Ally Days draws strong support at McGall appeared first on The McGill Daily.

All eyes turned to Forte as she closed her eyes and reclined against the jewelled seat. After a moment of absolute stillness, her mouth opened and the sound of a babbling brook began to play from two small speakers located on either side of her head. Long strands of tissue paper billowed up from the floor, blown by unseen fans in an imitation of fire, and a red light illuminated the stage. The crowd ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’ appreciatively amid the racket of photos being snapped.

The vernissage was a smash hit with the small number of students present, who were selected by a secret draw. Simply titled “McLavish,” the installation will remain open in Sadpath Hall until November 15. Due to its strong social media advertising campaign, the exhibit is expected to bring in over 1,000 external visitors each day, with a number of McGall student volunteers introducing the Principal in her artistic form to guests.

The ceremony was vintage McGall, with several cloaked figures present, their faces obscured by shadow as they hummed in unanimity, swaying gently from side to side in two long rows on either side of the long room. The Hummers, as they are informally known, set a reassuring mood for the vernissage. “The installation is rooted in McGall history,” said Governor General Smithy Bland-Blandston, who was in attendance. “Yet it moves the University ever forward, heralding new creativities. And Forte’s statement of intent was as intriguing as the installation itself.”

The statement was assembled with proteins crystals extracted at Forte’s previous lab at Qwop’s University, and was imaged through X-ray crystallography and projected onto the screen behind the throne. “We are at a carrefour, a time of confluence,” it read. “We are the great collider. And even if the collider overheats, this is where you find the most exotic particles.”

As the most recent continuation of a long history of principalian installations at McGall, expectations were high for the new exhibition. While many McGallians seemed contented with the display, others were quick to criticize.

“This installation is a disappointment,” declared Wan Velocitous-Burrito, a U2 Pretension Studies student who was among the lucky few students invited to the vernissage. “Tissue paper flames? I mean really, is this a high school play? We’re supposed to be a world class university here.”

The post Suzie Forte installed as elaborate artwork appeared first on The McGill Daily.

One of the main organizers of the tour, Kevlar Saul, spoke with The Weekly about the unexpected interest. “I guess a lot of prospective students want to know about McGall’s long-standing involvement in technologies designed and manufactured for the specific purpose of ending human lives,” Saul said cheerfully. “The drones were a real hit.”

The tour’s announcement was itself the subject of much curiosity, as McGall had previously done “everything in its power” to keep military research away from the eyes of the public, according to Saul. When reached for comment on the overnight renouncement of such secrecy, McGall’s Extremely Welcoming Centre simply explained that “it was time” for McGall to be fully transparent in its militaristic dealings, and because “it’s not like people would refuse to attend the university based on its contributions to warfare anyway.”

The tour reportedly included a visit to the heretofore secret McGall hangar, embedded deep in the heart of Mount Royal and accessed through a tunnel that connects to the basement of the Jones Administration building. Tour attendees were invited to “gaze with wonder” upon the rows of unmanned aerial vehicles. When they proceeded to the armoury, the attendees were then granted permission to “reach out and feel the unyielding strength resting inside [the thermobaric explosives].”

The McGall Military Research Division also staffed an ‘information kiosk’ in Service Point during the open house, alongside other student services and offices. The Division candidly answered questions about the militaristic applications of many engineering research projects, and also revealed the involvement of other faculties in the research, much to the “pleasant surprise” of many attendees, according to a debriefing released by the Division.

“I got a much clearer sense of the practical applications of research here,” one prospective student said of the tour and kiosk. “I’m thinking of going into biochemistry, so it’s good to know that I could be contributing to the painful deaths of people in strange and exotic lands halfway around the world, someday. […] Chemical warfare is a whole other job niche I hadn’t considered until today.”

Given the success at the open house, Saul is optimistic that he will be able to continue giving the tours in the future. “There’s something about that spark of delight in people’s eyes when their fingertips graze against the smooth surface of a drone. It’s a real pleasure to inform the public, and I think the transparency is a good move on McGall’s part.”

The post Students invited to “revel in glory” of McGall weaponry appeared first on The McGill Daily.

As a result of the unfortunate timing, this GA was unable to meet its measly quorum and was unable to approve nominations for representatives to the Board of Delegators (BoD). The BoD normally has responsibilities such as brief contemplation of legal matters related to SHMU, shrugging nonchalantly as they evaluate whether they would rather go have lunch at Shmert’s Bar, and voting to table items on their agenda until later meetings.

The lack of a BoD may drastically affect the operations of SHMU this semester. As SHMU President Karp Larping admitted at the GA, “We have a lot of things that need tabling and delegation to sub-committees and sub-sub-committees. I’m not sure how well we’re going to get by.”

“There’s already something of a backlog of things to be passed on to slightly more competent working groups, et cetera,” Larping continued. “We have a lot of work ahead of us.”

The two motions proposed were both moved by SHMU Executive Council members, the first being a “Motion to ostensibly, but not practically or actively, oppose any obviously fascist legislations,” and the second being a “Motion to amend SHMU Council membership policy.”

Motion to oppose legislation that is definitely fascist

Discussion of the first motion was largely straightforward, though there was some pointed critique from the Farts Representative to SHMU, Charles Schmance, regarding the use of “too many adverbs” in the motion and its many long-winded clauses. A handful of the sparse SHMU members in attendance delivered brief speeches about the “definite badness” of fascism, and were met with serious nods of agreement.

“I know at least two people who would be directly affected by fascism enacted by law,” said Anne Gee, U3 Brain Thinky Problems student. “We need to show our fellow SHMU members that we stand alongside them in a fundamental distaste for fascism. We need to do this with words and actions. Well, maybe not actions. But we definitely need to say it.”

Gee then looked around at the attendees over the top of her glasses, as though daring anyone to challenge her. None did so. A collective pat on the back was self-administered to all attendees for their show of ideological bravery.

New SHMU Council membership policy

The second motion, however, was met with more contention and confusion, as it proposed a fundamental change to the selection process of SHMU Council members. The proposed policy was drafted by “some people who are definitely familiar with laws,” according to Larping.

However, it came to light on the day of the GA that certain clauses of the motion could be interpreted in such a way that the current SHMU Executive would be immediately relieved of their duties, namely the clause that reads, “Resolved, if this motion is ratified at the General Assembly, all current SHMU Council Executive members will be replaced with various large, slow-moving mammals, effective immediately.”

Larping spoke carefully at the GA when recommending an amendment. “I think it was largely just a technical oversight on our part. […] We realized after we submitted the motion that the clause could be misinterpreted somewhat. It’s easy to understand, as it’s a little vague.” Larping would not comment on why it was included in the motion moved by the executives themselves in the first place.

The motion was amended to propose that the executives would only be replaced by large mammals in case of impeachment by SHMU members. The modified motion was passed by roughly 85 per cent of attendees.

Larping expressed relief on behalf of all the SHMU executives. “I’m glad SHMU members seem to understand it was just an honest mistake.”

“Damn,” one attendee remarked, as the GA wrapped up and leftover bagels were descended upon like a flock of vultures to fresh carrion. “I really feel like SHMU could be going places if a couple pandas were running the show.”

The post SHMU Council accidentally motions to impeach themselves appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Ze also manages to drop in and visit every dark corner of every crowded party when you’re feeling low, making you feel even more impotent and alone than you were when you arrived, realizing you don’t recognize anybody and they’re all staring at you down their noses, equally confused and disdainful, and you catch a glimpse of a friend but only out on a balcony surrounded by people you don’t know and they’re all laughing and the moonlight catches in their hair and it looks like it’s right out of a goddamn rom-com, and you know you’ll never be that picturesque and successful, even if you were fashionable or good-looking or had marketable skills anyways, so you just go back inside for another beer by yourself at the bottom of the stairs, because what’s the point?

Ze is, of course, Persistent Existential Dread, no stranger to any of us as an arbiter of self-worth and hope for future successes. Ze sat down with The Weekly for a brief chat last week.

McGall Weekly (MW): If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Persistent Existential Dread (PED): Totally torn between lab-grown meat and 70 per cent chocolate.

MW: What’s your favourite place to go for first dates?

PED: Corner of your bedroom, 4:30 in the morning, when you’ve broken down after a night of looking up grad school applications between trying to finish two research papers at the same time. Nothing breaks the ice better. You really get to know someone that way.

MW: If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

PED: I dunno if this technically counts, but I’d really like to live in a spaceship. Seems cozy up there.

MW: What’s your favourite class you’re taking this semester?

PED: Taking a lot of interest in my psych classes this term – I’m pretty into Child Development, feel like it relates a lot to some of the stuff I do.

MW: Favourite music to fall asleep to?

PED: I don’t really listen to music, other than some experimental industrial electronica stuff. The more closely it resembles white noise and screaming, the better, really. Puts me right out.

MW: If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be, and why?

PED: Dragonfruit. Because, like everyone, I appear interesting and flashy on the outside, while on the inside I am in fact bland and full of unappealing seeds.

MW: Diet Coke, or regular Coke?

PED: I like the taste of Diet Coke. It tastes… empty.

MW: Lastly, could you describe your McGill experience in three words?

PED: Total dread feast.

—Compiled by E.k. EK

Full disclosure: E.k. EK was previously in a long-term relationship with Persistent Existential Dread, and while things have been kinda on-and-off, the relationship has (probably) not coloured this piece with any particular bias.

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In an effort to remind students of their insignificance in the larger scheme of intergalactic existence, Principal and Vice-Baroness Suzie Forte announced today that McGall would create a new major in Occult Sciences. The University will add this major as an option for all undergraduate students beginning fall 2014.

According to Warren Rice, a former professor of classical languages at Arkham’s Miskatonic University and the head of McGall’s new Occult Sciences department, the program will focus on preparing students to “cope with the inconsequentiality of humanity.”

“We live in a vast and incomprehensible universe,” said Rice. “How can we expect students to cope with the knowledge their lives are devoid of any meaning and that they are mere amoebas compared to the magnificent horror of the Outer Gods?”

Students enrolled in the program are expected to learn R’lyehian, the language of Cthulhu, in order to “please the Great Old Ones.”

“We start with the most common phrases, namely ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn’ and then go to the more complicated aspects of the language, like saying ‘Hi’ or ‘Thank you,’” Rice said. “Unfortunately, R’lyehian has a lot of words for ‘slumber,’ ‘horror’ or ‘I am losing my mind,’ but nothing that’s really useful for a normal conversation.” Rice remarked that the language component of the major would be “comparable” to learning Ancient Greek, in that it would serve no purpose other than translating “ancient and/or heretofore unknowable verses,” and “boring your friends at parties.”

Rice will be hosting a luncheon on Wednesday where he will be reading selected passages from the Necronomicon, and facilitating a networking event for new department members. A lamb will be slaughtered for the event.

—Benadryl Custardbatch 

Minor in Serious Heterosexual Men swiftly approved

McGall’s Department of Anglophilia announced, through an email sent to all undergraduate students in the Faculty of Farts, that a new minor has been green-lit. The Serious Heterosexual Men minor will be available for selection simultaneously with the major in Occult Sciences, in fall 2014.

McGall has come under fire recently for its lack of coverage of serious heterosexual male writers, in comparison to a main competitor, the University of T-Dot (U of T). The U of T made headlines last week as one lecturer, Dirk Glibbymore, was showered with accolades for his intensely serious, heterosexual coverage of only the most serious and most heterosexual writers.

An interview with Glibbymore, published in The Blob and Snail, went viral online and was met with widespread praise due to his sharp wit and uncompromising diligence in presenting students with only the best literature, written solely by “real guy-guys.” He explained that he was only capable of lecturing on “people that [he] truly, truly love[d]. Unfortunately, none of those happen to be Chinese, or women.”

Glibbymore’s overnight stardom online led to several follow-up interviews, in which he elaborated on his stances. “People know what they’re signing up for. Serious heterosexual men, taught by a serious heterosexual man. That’s all.” Glibbymore was, however, quick to note that he “very open-mindedly” teaches the works of Truman Capote, notable for being serious, but not terribly heterosexual. At the time of printing, there is no word yet as to whether Capote was Chinese, or a woman.

McGall has been accused by professors in the U of T’s Department of Words of simply attempting to “cover its ass” in light of the attention drawn to Glibbymore’s enlightened syllabi. In response to these comments, the Department of Anglophilia officially maintained that the minor was long in the works, and was simply delayed in the approval process until now.

McGall’s Dean of Farts, Christopa P. Manfreddo, spoke briefly with The Weekly over the phone. “McGall’s been in the game of serious heterosexual men longer than you even know,” he said. “T-Dot thinks they can teach real guy-guys better than us? Our guy-guys are top fucking notch. I say bring it on.”

—E.k. EK

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New poll results have been officially released by the Students’ Headquarters of McGall University (SHMU), showing that 87 per cent of undergraduates “strongly agree” with the statement, “There is a mouse problem at McGall University.”

The mice on campus have been a persistent source of trouble for decades, though the last few years have been particularly worrisome. SHMU VP Internal, Bran Fibrenom, spoke briefly with The Weekly by email. “As students, we know that political apathy is its own kind of epidemic here at McGall. But the voting percentage in the mice demographic is just appalling, no matter how you look at it.”

Historically, the mouse population at McGall has seen low voter turnout in SHMU GAs and referenda, as well as mouse-specific elections. The best mouse turnout for any event at McGall was 13 per cent, when an unexpected number of mice rallied to vote against the Arts faculty student strike in 2012.

A member of the McGall Equality Office and Workplace (MEOW) commented that SHMU members should be cautious against judging fellow McGallians regardless of size, fluffiness, or political engagement. “I don’t pretend to speak for all mice, and neither should you. You don’t necessarily understand the mouse experience.”

No mice representatives contacted would provide official comments.

Source of “gut feelings” identified

Last week, a groundbreaking new paper was published in Schmience by McGall researchers in the Department of Brain Thinky Problems, detailing an ongoing experimental analysis of so-called “gut feelings.” The paper sheds new light on a widely shared experience of being emotionally compromised by one’s stomach.

Ph.D student and lead researcher on the paper, Dane Juros, spoke at a small press conference in the McIntern Medical Building. “Everybody’s had to deal with gut feelings before. They are persistent and intense. My team really wanted to know the source of those feelings, and consequently, the ways we can all learn to live with them.”

The study shows that ‘gut feelings’ are remarkably similar to ‘brain feelings,’ in that they are produced by a conscious mind. While this may seem commonsensical, many people may be surprised in the realization that, in their abdomens, reside autonomous beings with individual desires, personalities, and, of course, feelings.

Juros described the challenges of his research. “As is the case when studying the brain, it’s difficult for us to accurately track the activity of our gut minds, or “gutmunculi.” This is due to electrical interference produced by the surrounding body parts, as well as [other complicated science stuff].” A new method of study was developed on our very own campus, which Juros referred to as “basically inserting a window into the abdominal cavity, like a literal window that you can look into.”

This research may be the first step in returning us to more civilized Aristotelian-era theory of mind. This would break free of all-too-common modern neuroscientific beliefs that restrain us to a paradigm of the brain as the sole source of mental activity. The new paper has already come under fire, even from prominent Brain Thinky Problem-Solvers on our own campus. Ostrey Size, professor emeritus in the department, was in the crowd at the press conference, and stood during the question period to announce that he found the study “pretty fucking ridiculous,” before storming off.

—Compiled by E.k. EK

Longer versions of these briefs can be found in the extremely legitimate source of news known as the McGall Reported, in the Grasping at Straws section.

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