Devon Welsh, Author at The McGill Daily

The Dark Motorcyclist returns!

Devon Welsh — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 03:00:52 +0000

Hello Daily, Hello All, Hello World!

This is the Dark Motorcyclist, here to unveil the latest truths about faded, washed up former heroes.

On this occasion I’d like to toast Zach Newburgh (the Apt Pupil) for his twisted aspiration to become the next (even more elitist) Mark Zuckerberg.

I don’t think David Fincher is in the mood for a biopic about a sad clown who valiantly attempted to take SSMU along on his demented quest for money and fame, his brains having been melted and reconstituted by the shadow-dwelling De Brabant.

One reads the articles in our cherished campus newspapers, and one wonders what it was like in all those strange hotel rooms on weekends, having told friends that there was yet another family gathering to attend… et cetera, et cetera.

Too bad about Jobbook. Who is this nefarious Jean De Brabant? What was his real intention, whisking the impressionable, unsullied Newburgh from one seedy Motel 6 to the next? What kind of wild Charles Starkweather trip was he on, anyway?

Yours Truly,

The Dark Motorcyclist

Devon Welsh

U3 Religious Studies, Drama and Theatre

Received February 14

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Another letter from another planet about Cornett

Devon Welsh — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Although my number-one law is: “never ruffle the feathers of the innocent in order to punish the corrupt,” I proceed out of a love for truth and a disgust for secrets. Being a student in the Faculty of Religious Studies, I am privy to certain information that is withheld from the wider McGill community, and the withheld information is this: Norman Cornett landed on our planet in the spring of 1992. All sightings and encounters with a person claiming to be “Norman Cornett” before that point were of an avatar placed on Earth in order to give the real Norman Cornett a typically “human” life-story which he could use to gain access to the teaching facilities of McGill University. Between that date and the date of his dismissal, he used his teaching position to introduce the teaching methodology that he had brought from his native Jupiter. Although the teaching style was much more advanced, and resulted in the unintended emergence of ESP abilities in all graduates, his Jupiterian origin was a liability to the credibility of the institution of McGill University and so he was let go under the shadiest of circumstances.

In order to accept someone with superior, extra-human abilities such as Cornett, we must first examine our own prejudices. If we can accept the limitations of human educational methods and allow an exception to the otherwise bland status quo at this institution, perhaps that great wall of extraterrestrial prejudice can be torn down (and maybe the Rolling Stones can play at the ceremony!).

Cornett MUST be brought back, at the very least so he can teach us the complexities of intergalactic space travel.

With these and innumerable other concerns,
Zoog

Devon Welsh
U3 Religious Studies, Drama & Theatre

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The Dark Motorcyclist tellin’ the truth

Devon Welsh — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Hello Daily, Hello All, Hello Almighty,
I am here to reveal a truth which has hitherto been kept secret: the construction that has been taking place for the majority of the past two years near the Milton Gates is criminal, unconstitutional, and fiendish. The construction involved the building of a bunker for Heather Munroe-Blum in the event of a nuclear holocaust. We, the students, must demand a bunker built for all of us as well! How can we sleep at night knowing that we would be forced to hide in bathroom stalls as nuclear bombs are dropped across our great nation! We would be forced to hide in the Leacock building (the only known safehouse from nuclear attack).

I recommend a full-scale revolution, the intent of which may be unclear, but which is inevitably secondary to the passion involved in such a revolt. Arise!
—The Dark Motorcyclist

Devon WelshU3 Religious Studies, Drama & Theatre

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I wish I was unborn

Devon Welsh — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

I, The Dark Motorcyclist, hereby declare my intention to take the throne of “Pro-Abortion” spokesperson in the debate with Jose Ruba.

When I was in the womb, I BEGGED my mother to abort me, but alas, she refused. At long last, there will be representation for the un-born children who DO NOT WANT to be born into this sour world.

With good intentions,

“The Dark Motorcyclist”

Devon Welsh
U3 Religious Studies and Drama & Theatre

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Zoog ponders

Devon Welsh — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Hello World,

Daniel Lametti is onto something…. A severed brain could fair well in the nooks and crannies of space, all the spots where friendly extraterrestrials might be loitering. We could shoot brains out into the universe like bullets in Schwarzenegger’s classic, Commando, and hope for some strange green brains in jars to be fired back.

Of course, we’d have to do some testing first, to make sure all the gadgets are in order…. I wonder if the McGill pro-life group would volunteer to have their brains removed and experimented on? We might find the malfunctions responsible for recent events….

With eyes and brain pointed at the stars,

Zoog
Devon Welsh
U3 Religious Studies and Drama & Theatre

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The Dark Motorcyclist rides again

Devon Welsh — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Hello Daily,
Has John Lapsley considered the entertainment value of these tasers? How could we expect a policeman to go mad from boredom without the handy taser, man’s best friend?
“The Dark Motorcyclist”

Devon Welsh
U3 Religious Studies, Drama & Theatre

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Zoog rambles incoherently

Devon Welsh — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Hello Daily, Hello World, Hello Alternate Worlds?
Reading the Pop Montreal insert, I discovered a tear in the fabric of reality….

The student bands playing also exist in an alternate universe….Everyone wears funny hats and speaks in tongues…. Daily, was this a figment of my imagination? Am I committable, or a prophet of the imminent musical paradise?! Will co-conspirators follow us into this unknown void/heaven on earth? Will we find the so-long-sought-after alien civilizations? Will we come back whole, or will our atoms be reconstituted by mysterious providence?!?!?!
With these queries and many more, yours sincerely until the coming end of time,
Zoog

Devon WelshU3 Religious Studies, Drama & Theatre

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At long last, Zoog returns

Devon Welsh — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Hello Daily, Hello All, Hello World! (For my true fans this will be a welcome reference to my first letter.)

I have been doing some thinking. First, I have realized that The Daily hates me for some reason. Why do you hold these feelings, Daily? Is it my intelligence? My insight? My fearlessness and refusal to lie to the people or otherwise manipulate them with shoddy pseudo-journalism?!?! I have realized that even superheroes have enemies, and that haters never take time off, so neither should I.

Second, what in God’s glorious name is this “Hewman” flyer that I found stuck in the first page of my Daily on Thursday afternoon? Crude poetry, even cruder images…. If The Daily is responsible for this, I’m considering a protest (maybe in Gert’s…. We’ll drink until The Daily apologizes). I DO NOT want to see “Hewman” appearing ANYWHERE on campus again, and if I do, I will place complete blame on The Daily and its affiliates.

Thank you and thank you and thank you. Kids, eat your onions and remember to think twice before talking trash about Zoog and/or “The Dark Motorcyclist,” because he/she is probably somewhere very near….

P.S: As I always say, “Extra-terrestrials are people too!”

Zoog

Devon B. Welsh
U3 Religious Studies, Drama & Theatre

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