Disclaimer: This tutorial is not for vegans or the faint of heart.

Ingredients

• 4 goat horns
• 1 cup crow’s fat
• 1 metric handful of pitted cherries
• 1 incapacitated meninist
• 1 bad neighbour

Step one: For a perfectly moisturizing lip balm, grind up the horn of goats with crow’s fat and stir the solution in a small, heated cauldron. Rub this new DIY balm on your lips so that they’re primed to retain your lip colour long after you fall into eternal slumber.

Step two: Take the pitted cherries and mash the fruity flesh in a bowl. Dip a thin brush into the mix and outline your lips. The cherries will give your lips great colour pay-off while adding a bit of sweetness to the metallic taste of our secret ingredient.

Step three: Bite into the flesh of a meninist – I guarantee that their blood will be the perfect red hue for your lips. No need to spend time trying to figure out your exact skin tone just to find the perfect lip colour. One bite fits all! Misogynistic blood suits every complexion, so don’t be afraid to wipe any excess fluid on your cheeks to create a rosy, lively look. You’ll send a message to your enemies that you will outlive them all.

Step four: Take a tissue that has been used to mop up tears of white guilt and gently press your lips against it to get rid of any excess lipstick. Leave the used tissue on the doorstep of a Confederate Flag-toting neighbour or an outspoken white friend who refuses to acknowledge the merits of affirmative action. You will strike fear into their hearts and send the message that your witchy aesthetic is not just for show.

Step five: Apply a clear gloss over your lipstick to seal in the commitment of dismantling the gender binary and white supremacy. Let your lips shine gloriously in the moonlight when you venture outside for your nightly hunt; the reflection of this glare will protect you from inferior, bigoted beings who mistake your human form for vulnerability and weakness.

Bonus tip: If you’re at a party and overhear people talking about why racism is over, send them a not-so-gentle reminder that they know nothing by going into the bathroom and writing the words “LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT” on the bathroom mirror with your new lipstick. Let them feel the weight of their privileged ideologies while they pee out all the cans of PBR they drank that contributed to their insufferable white liberal mistakes.

By following this tutorial, you will have the reddest lips to rule them all. Taylor Swift’s lips will look paler than Rachel Dolezal’s real skin tone in comparison. Let your reign of terror begin, and may it last forever.

The post Let the meninists bleed appeared first on The McGill Daily.

Step one: Cleanse your face to remove all impurities. Make sure to scrub away all confidence and self-esteem. Remember, you want your face to be a blank canvas so that your skin can easily absorb socially constructed ideas of beauty propagandized by methodically retouched CoverGirl ads!

Step two: Smear your face with a foundation that is five shades lighter to cover up blemishes and any shame you might have for not being related to Snow White. Blend your foundation evenly with a clean brush – this smooth coat of slime will be the mask that shields the world from ever knowing that your natural skin tone isn’t a plastic shade of Barbie beige.

Step three: Apply bronzer under your cheekbones, jawline, and the sides of your nose to hide all non-Western European features. The dark contouring will create angles and facial features you never knew you had, revealing your inner Kylie Jenner-esque nightmare creature when you look in the mirror. Don’t stop applying bronzer until you can feel the weight of a thousand souls sighing in resignation after a celebrity dons blackface in the name of fashion/their bursting ego/a pseudo-God complex, et cetera.

Step four: Apply highlighter on the bridge of your nose, forehead, above your cheekbones, and chin to make these newly unleashed angular features pop. For a modern twist on the classic white supremacist aesthetic, make your face look whiter than Taylor Swift’s in the neo-colonial safari mess that is the “Wildest Dreams” video. If you want to go for an ‘edgier,’ more ‘alternative’ style, look no further than Katy Perry – her candy-coloured hair and faux-rebellious image have allowed her to enjoy both her blinding whiteness and penchant for flagrant cultural appropriation.

Step five: Lightly dust your face with a setting powder composed of a crushed mixture of the lost dreams of soulless GQ image editors, the bone marrow disappeared from models retouched down to a size negative two, and the skulls of art directors who make Beyonce and Nicki Minaj look like brand ambassadors for skin whitening cream.

Bonus tip: If you want to make your cheeks pop, mix the blood of catcallers with some essential oils and sweep this budget-friendly (and super organic) blush over your cheeks! For an extra sense of empowerment, practice your biting street harassment comebacks in the mirror while waiting for your makeup to set. Now that you embody the spitting image of white colonial beauty, the world truly is yours.

The post How to contour your face and look like a nightmare creature appeared first on The McGill Daily.

“Our field experiments have shown that froshies have very similar needs and exhibit nearly identical behaviour to the four-year-old children we work with every day,” said experienced SHMU Daycare Centre caregiver Daisy Dove.

“Like small children, froshies need regular naps. They need to be held when they walk down stairs. They can’t keep their hands to themselves, and have trouble performing simple tasks like eating three times a day or peeing in appropriate locations. And just like children sometimes eat dirt or chalk because they don’t know any better, froshies sometimes ingest dangerous substances that threaten their well-being.”

The implications of the research were obvious: Frosh coordinators simply had to implement practices used in early childhood education.

“It’s very important to talk to your froshies and small children in a soft tone of voice and never yell at them. But you must be firm when they break the rules and nip bad behaviour in the bud,” said child development psychologist Dr. Rachel Johnson-Richardson.

“Despite the twenty-year age gap, we found these practices to be widely effective.”

Heeding the expert advice, Frosh coordinators enacted some basic disciplinary rules. For example, straying from the collective leash would lead to the confiscation of one drink ticket. A second demerit would lead to their bracelet being cut.

“In addition to these disciplinary procedures, we also took precautionary measures to ensure a safe environment,” said Dove. “We hired contractors to build seven-foot baby fences around Lower Field, and put up ‘froshie crossing’ signs on Sherbrooke.”

The new program was a resounding success, eliciting supportive reactions from froshies. “I actually have no concept of self-care and responsibility,” said U0 Farts student Lil’ Jimmy. “Thankfully, the entire student society is now like a mother to me – it’s like I never left my parents’ home.”

The change also resulted in a drastic reduction in the number of 911 calls, and very positive feedback from the Milton-Parc community. McGall Emergency Response Team for Students (M-GERTS) volunteers, however, felt a little neglected, and were spotted twiddling their thumbs in their tent on Lower Field.

The post SHMU Daycare given the reins of Frosh appeared first on The McGill Daily.